In My Dreams It's Me And You

I held him close to me for the last time before he went off on tour for God knows how many months.
“Shh. . . Eva honey,” He soothed me, wiping tears off my cheeks as his own hazel eyes held back the threatening moisture. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

I clutched the black wife beater he was wearing in my hands and looked up into those beautiful hazel orbs, “Promise?”

He smiled, “I promise E. You’ll barely even notice I’m gone.”

I nodded silently. In only a few words he had managed to silence the one fear that been devouring me ever since I had heard he was leaving me.

“I’m going to miss you Mattie,” I whispered and buried my face in his chest, breathing in his oddly nice scent of Jack Daniels, Cigarettes and Axe. “What will I do without you?”

He pulled away and held me at arms length staring me straight in the eye, “You’ll be okay. Like I said we’ll be back before you know it. And in the meantime I’ll write letters and postcards and I’ll call you. Okay?”

I nodded again, tears once more falling freely down my face.

“Shadows! Move your ass; we’ve got to get going!” A loud voice yelled from the small bus parked at the end of the driveway.

“The ever polite Brian Haner,” He smirked sarcastically.

I giggled a little through my tears and he smiled down at me sadly.

“I love you E, forever and ever, y’know that right?” He asked

I nodded, not trusting my voice to not crack if I were to speak.

“And you know that you’re my best friend in the entire world?”

Again I nodded.

He smiled showing those cute dimples in his cheeks, “Good.”

He leaned in and kissed my cheek, “I’ll be back soon Doll. Stay safe.”

He hugged me tightly once more and then was gone.

Matthew Sanders, my best friend was gone.

“Eva? Eva? Earth to Eva- come in!” A hand waving in front of my face accompanied with that voice brought me out of my flashback.

“Shit! I did it again, didn’t I?” I asked sighing and letting my head drop back against the sofa cushions.

My best friend Sarah let out a small laugh, “Yeah. Right in the middle of the movie.”

I closed my eyes again, realising what had caused my flashback. We were watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas- mine and Matt’s favourite movie, one of the scenes must have triggered the memory to rear its head once more.

“C’mon Eva, you can’t live like this forever. Maybe you should see someone,” My ever sensible friend suggested.

I shook my head fiercely; there was no way in Hell I was going to another shrink. I’d rather suffer the flashbacks.

Sarah sighed, “Fine. But could you at least tell me what those memories are of?”

I smiled slightly, “I’ve already told you S.”

She shook her head, “No. All you told me is that they’re off your old best friend who left you.”

I shrugged and looked away, playing with the ends of my brown hair, “That’s all there is to know.”

She rolled her eyes in mock exasperation, “What was his name at least?”

“Matthew,” I mumbled, looking away from her smiling face. This conversation was making me nervous and uncomfortable. I didn’t like people knowing about my past.

“His second name would be helpful too,” Sarah commented dryly as she shook her perfect blonde curls.

I looked into her brown eyes and saw that she was going to make me talk about this whether I wanted to or not.

“Sanders. . . Matthew Sanders.” I whispered. His name brought tears to my eyes as I fully remembered the pain he had caused me.

Her eyes surveyed me for a moment, her eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“That name sounds familiar.”

My heart stuttered then sped up.

“It’s a pretty common name,” I said dismissively, trying to silence my pounding heart.

She seemed to consider this for a moment before shrugging, “I guess it is.”

I mentally sighed in relief. She hadn’t made the connection.

“Well, I’m tired,” I forced a very realistic yawn and smiled at her. “I’m going to head up to bed.”

She nodded and eyed me with worriedly, “Make sure you take your pill.”

I smiled, “’Course Sarah. Night.”

“Night,” She replied, her attention already back on the scene on the screen.

I looked at the movie playing on the T.V. for another moment or two before I headed to my bedroom, grabbing a bottle of water from the kitchen on the way.

A few minutes later I was sitting on my bed rolling two bottle of pills along my duvet cover.
The lithium I took every morning was in one and the sleeping pills I took every evening in the other.

“I suppose I should thank Matt for something,” I muttered under my breath as I opened the little bottle and took out one of those tiny pills that would help me sleep.
I swallowed it with a mouthful of water and I waited for the drugs to take effect I pulled out an old photo frame from the drawer in my bedside cabinet.
I smiled at the two laughing figures- Me and Matt. It was taken a week before we heard about the tour that would take him away from me.

“Oh Matt,” I whispered as I stroked his image. “Why did you leave me like that?”

I understood that he couldn’t have know that I would attempt suicide but in all the time he was away he never once got I contact with me like he had promised. I guess that was what set off the chemical imbalance in my brain and why I swallowed a bottle of pills in an attempt to end my seemingly pathetic life. Thanks to him my depression was noticed and I was saved before I actually succeeded in leaving this world forever.

“I bet you’d be pissed if you still knew me,” I whispered to his laughing face, pretending for just one minute that he could hear me. “But if I hadn’t tried to. . . Leave this world I never would have met Sarah. I know you’d like her. I guess that’s another reason I should thank you.”

Sarah had been in the same counselling group as me in rehab, and after the third meeting we had become best friends. A few months later we checked ourselves out, got jobs and moved away from California. She was exactly the kind of person I needed around to keep me sane.

“She loves Avenged,” I smiled at my old best friend in his black basketball shorts on the beach. “She’s really great Matt, but nothing compared to you.”

Matt had always been there for me before he left to go on tour. He was the one I went to when my parents fought and the one who held me when I cried at my dog’s funeral. I was always the most important thing in his life until that stupid tour came along.

“I miss you Mattie,” I could feel my tears drooping from the effect of the drugs. And I was getting tired. “I love you so much.”

I curled up on my side; the picture frame wrapped in my arms and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.