Savin' Me

"You're a..." Johnny trailed off, sputtering as if his brain couldn't possibly process what was being presented in front of him. "You do that to yourself?"

"Yeah." My answer was short, and he was still staring, wide-eyed, and it was starting to make me regret telling him. He wasn't taking the news well.

"I would...I never would have thought that. I didn't know that you were that kind of person." He shook his head.

"Well, my life wasn't easy, and it was the only way I could make an outlet." Johnny reached forward oh-so-gently and ran his finger along the scars. It tickled slightly, but I was careful not to yank my arm away. It might have given him the wrong idea, like I didn't want him to touch me or be near me.

"How long has it been since you cut yourself?" he questioned, finally able to say what I did.

"A while. A couple of weeks?" I responded, not totally sure myself. For some reason, I withheld the information of why, exactly, I had ended up stopping until a guilty feeling started settling in my stomach. "But I'm still not better. I wouldn't have quit on my own. I got caught."

Johnny's fingers retreated from my forearm before he stuffed his hands into his pocket and stared at me wonderingly. "Well, you're alive, so I don't think it was Darry."

"It was Soda," I replied. Something flickered behind his eyes, but I pretended that I didn't notice. "He took my razor away and threatened to keep it a secret from Darry just so long as I didn't make another slice. So far, I've been able to keep my promise, but..." I bit my lip. I didn't want to tell Johnny the truth, that I didn't think that I was strong enough to keep from reaching for another sharp object the second that things went slightly awry.

"But what?" he urged. Something told me that he already knew what I was going to say, but he wanted to hear it from me, just to confirm it.

"But I'm not strong. I never wanted to quit. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to keep myself from sneaking into the kitchen during the night and making some damage if something shitty happens to me," I admitted.

He nodded, his face tense, and I could tell that I upset him. He refused to show it, very used to the way how greasers were tough and, therefore, had no emotions other than anger. I just wished he had said something, an encouraging word or two just to let me know that he was behind me, that he believed that I would make my way to recovery, whether I wanted to or not.

"Zoe, you're not going to be able to make any progress, real progress, unless you want to make those steps. If you want Soda to make everything better, you're going to be disappointed because right when you're upset, you're going to look around for a steak knife."

He was right. I knew that he was. But his words hurt nonetheless. Was I really just looking for Soda to take the steps necessary for recovery?

I realized then that I had to start getting committed to getting better. I would always be a cutter, since my scars would never go away, the physical or emotional ones. But maybe, just maybe...I could get myself to keep from ever reaching for a knife again.

"Okay," I whispered finally. "I'll work on it."

Johnny smiled slightly, his eyes giving a slight sparkle. His arm slipped around my shoulders, and I couldn't help but think about how right it felt.

But, for some reason, the thought of Soda came into my mind. I wasn't exactly sure why it happened at the time, but the more I thought about it, the more it started to make sense.

I really liked Johnny. More than I thought I could like a boy in my life. I always figured that I'd die alone.

It wasn't until that moment that I realized... Soda liked me. Now, maybe I was jumping the gun. It was possible that I was just making that up in my mind because I wanted to feel more special, that not one but two guys liked me. The very idea seemed unreal.

At the same time, it would make sense. Why else would be have freaked out so much and forced me to get better when he found out about my cutting? Ugh...never mind. I was just crazy.

"You alright?" Johnny's voice broke through my eccentric thoughts.

"Yeah, just...thinking, I guess. Thanks for being so cool about the news that I told you, by the way."

"I like you, Zoe. And that means that I'm going to have to learn to accept that, too." I let out a sigh. He admitted that he liked me. The butterflies in my stomach just couldn't be quieted.

"So on a totally different note..." I started, "are we going to tell the gang about us?"

"I don't see why not," he smiled. "Does that mean that we're together?"

"I don't see why not," I teased, hip-bumping him. He let out a small smile as we made our way back to the house, his arm remaining around my shoulders and mine around his waist.