Savin' Me

Later that day, we were allowed to go home. Normally, I would have stayed in the living room to hang out with the gang, but instead, I disappeared inside my room. I didn't need lectures, I didn't want everyone asking me what happened.

A few minutes later, Johnny walked into my room without knocking. Normally, that probably would have irked me a little, but I didn't really care. It wasn't like I was doing much of anything anyway.

"How you feeling?" Johnny questioned, sitting next to me on my bed.

"Fine," I replied, shrugging. "I'm not feeling suicidal, if that's what you're asking."

"Well, that's always good, but that wasn't exactly what I meant. How are your cuts?" He nodded toward my arms, his eyes locked on them. I squirmed slightly, feeling almost like he could see the severity of my cuts through the sleeves of my sweatshirt.

"They hurt," I responded honestly. "Not badly, but steadily."

"Want some ice?" His black eyes were wide, and it made him look even younger, even more innocent. Maybe I shouldn't have told him I cut. Maybe I shouldn't have dragged him into this situation. Sure, he was a greaser, and therefore, didn't have any innocence left, but he sure looked like he did.

"No, I'll be alright." I lied down, putting my head in his lap, and looked up at him. He stared down at me accusingly. He knew that I felt good about the continuous pain, like it was payback for all the trouble that I'd caused.

"I'll be right back." I sat up and let him walk out of the room. Sighing, I threw myself back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I needed to train myself to be better at hiding what I was really feeling. My face was an open book.

When Johnny walked back into the room, he had a paper towel full of ice in his hands. "Here you go."

I originally placed the freezing towel on top of my sleeve, but he gave me a knowing look. "I just don't want you to see the new ones. They can be kind of gross," I whispered.

"I stabbed a Soc," Johnny reminded me. "I really don't think a couple of cuts are going to bother me."

Hesitantly, I lifted up the sleeve of my shirt and heard two gasps. I hadn't realized that I had cut so much. The stitches criss-crossed all the way up and down my arms, seeming even darker against my pale skin.

"Yikes," I muttered. "No wonder I passed out."

From the corner of my eye, I glanced at Johnny. He was white as a sheet. I knew that was going to happen, but I didn't say anything. Seeing something gory, and seeing something gory on someone you loved were two totally different things.

Quickly, I slapped the ice onto my arm, covering the wounds. I refused to meet Johnny's eye, embarrassed at the whole thing.

Why couldn't I have just been normal?

***

The next morning, I yawned as I made my way to the kitchen. I had to go back to school that day. Too many absences would make me lose credit, which I really didn't need. Especially at that time.

Darry didn't say a word to me the entire time, instead just slapping a plate in front of me before disappearing out the front door.

"Oh, good morning to you, too," I mumbled to myself, putting a forkful of chocolate cake in my mouth. "How am I doing? Oh, I'm just fine, thanks for asking. You're making me feel a lot better about myself, completely ignoring me."

"Can you blame him?" Ponyboy whispered. My face heated when I realized that he was listening to me talking to myself. "We're all kind of shaken about the whole thing. Just wondering what had happened. We didn't know that you were depressed or anything."

I shook my head. "What did you expect? I came from a home where my mother left when I was young, and my father abused me. I only have one friend, and I can only stand her half the time."

"I know, but you moved in here. All that stopped. Wasn't that all supposed to go away?"

"I wish," I told him, standing up and grabbing my bag, which had been at my feet, "but depression doesn't work that way. I wish it could just go...poof! But it can't. So now, I'm going to have to talk to some shrink until she tells me to get over my childhood traumas and move on with my life. Promising, really."

"Maybe it's what you need," Pony whispered. His eyes were cast downward, staring at his interlocked hands on the top of the table.

Not knowing how to answer, I just turned around and walked out the door, starting toward the school alone.

"Oh my God!" Lily exclaimed when she saw me, her eyes wide as saucers. "What happened? There have been rumors flying everywhere. I, of course, won't believe anything unless you say it."

I was done with protecting people. So, being as blunt as I could, I told her in a deadpan tone, "I tried to kill myself."

She stared at me, like she didn't believe me. "That's not a funny joke."

"Wasn't a joke, but if that's what you think it is, then be my guest." I slammed my locker shut and started down the hallway. Lily was trotting behind me, struggling to keep up, but not quite being able to, thanks to all the other kids in the hallway.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?!" Lily snapped at me by the time we reached English. Okay, so her surprise had turned to anger. I expected that. After all, everyone else was angry at me.

"Because you hate people who cut," I told her with a poisonous laugh. "You think they're stupid."

"Well, now that you're one, I just want to understand," she whispered. People were staring at me as they walked by, whispering to each other. I could almost hear them. That's the girl who cuts. The one who almost killed herself.

I should have talked to her. Someone was trying to understand, finally. Wasn't that what I wanted all along?

Instead, I just walked inside of the classroom without saying another word and sat down in my seat, resting the side of my face in my hand.

When I saw Lily take her seat on the other side of the room, I realized what a mistake I had made, but I knew I wouldn't be the one to fix it.

I hoped that she wasn't done trying.