Savin' Me

"And I just don't know what to do!" I sighed, throwing my hands up in the air as I sat back in my comfortable chair. It was my second therapy session, and I had just finished telling Dr. Ellison all about my problem with Soda and Johnny. Even though it had nothing to do with my cutting problems or suicidal-ness, she had agreed to listen.

"Hm...seems like you're in a bit of a problem there, huh?" she asked.

I shot her a glare. "I know that. My problem is, I don't know who to choose. Johnny's so sweet and cute, and he's done a lot for me. He's the one that got me into the Curtis' house. But Soda's the one who found out that I cut and threatened me about it. He cared enough, you know? What makes everything all the more complicated is that Soda threatened me not to break Johnny's heart."

Dr. Ellison paused, pursing her lips. "Does that frustrate you? Being told that you should stick with Johnny?"

"Yeah. A lot."

"Does that mean, do you think, that you like Soda more?"

Hm. I mulled this over for a second, biting my lip. When I thought about either of them, I got a little tingle in my stomach, but...I was shocked to realize that I got more for Soda. That I smiled a little at the picture of him in my head. "Possibly."

"Well, if there's any inkling in your mind that you like Soda more," Dr. Ellison started to conclude, leaning forward in her seat a little, "then you need to let both of them know. Soda might not want you to break Johnny's heart, but you're just going to hurt him even more if you don't tell him straight-up that you don't like him as much as Soda."

"That makes me nervous, though . I told Johnny multiple times that I didn't have any feelings for Soda. This whole thing makes me a brutal liar."

"Not a liar. You can tell him truthfully that you didn't at the time, but after all Soda did for you, the feelings grew into something more. I'm sure he'd understand."

"Oh, he's understand, and he'd be painfully sweet about it. But I don't know...Johnny's been put through so much pain already, I don't want to inflict anymore."

Dr. Ellison stopped and swallowed. "Zoe, can I say something honestly without you getting upset?"

"Sure," I replied, bracing myself. I hoped with all my might that it wouldn't be that bad. What if she suggested that I kill both of them, get a fresh start? That would be brutal! I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Oh, wait...she was a therapist...She probably wouldn't be endorsing chemically imbalanced behaviors.

She took a deep breath before she spoke. "You know, Zoe, you're clearly a great person. You're being so careful to make sure that no one comes out hurt, but it's not possible with this. You know what, though? Even if someone gets hurt, they'll get over it." Something told me that the touchy part was coming up, so I kept my insides tight, as if they had turned into stone. "Not everyone feels pain like you do. Not everyone, when they get hurt, goes reaching for something to calm it, something to inflict a different sort of pain. They'll be alright."

Alright, so she had a point. I still didn't want to hurt either of them, but it was going to be okay, even if I did. No one was going to kill themselves. No one was going to hurt themselves the way I did.

"Okay," I whispered, fixing my eyes on a teeny speck on the wall. Even though I had this new information, my mind was still not made up about which I chose. It would make the decision easier though, knowing that both parties would be okay. Me on the other hand...I didn't know.

"Plus, if either of those boys really care about you, then they'll want you to be happy, no matter what."

"You're right about that," I sighed. "This decision is still going to be hard."

"I'm not here to make every decision in life easy," Dr. Ellison laughed. "I'm just here to tell you that you need to make them, most of the time accompanied by some pros and cons."

"That's not so helpful," I forced a laugh.

"But it's all I can do. If you want to make your life go the way you want it, then you have to be able to make your own choices." She glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed. "Well, that's all for today. I'll see you Friday after school."

Nodding, I got to my feet and thanked her before walking out the door. Alright, so I knew that I had to choose one of them, but which one? And how was I going to let them down? Ugh...being a teenager was so freakin' complicated.

On the way home, Darry didn't start any conversation, sensing that I was not in the mood for pointless chatter. He was a pretty cool guy, I had to say. Pony told me that he used to be controlling and overbearing. Although he still had his moments where he was too hard on Ponyboy, he was actually an alright guy.

For the first time in a long time, I was nervous as I stepped out of the car. I wasn't going to lie, I was scared about what I was going to do once I stepped through the door. But I was elated to see that neither Soda nor Johnny were there.

"You look extremely relieved," Darry commented before he walked in the kitchen. I decided to follow him, boosting myself up onto a counter as he poured himself more coffee from the pitcher that he made in the morning.

"I kind of am," I admitted.

"Any reason why? You hate Soda that much?" His tone was light, but I could tell that it was a serious question. I wondered for a second if he thought that I held a grudge against Soda for turning me in with the whole cutting thing.

"No, I don't hate Soda at all," I let out in a breath, leaning back to rest of head on the bottom of a cabinet.

I didn't know that I had been so obvious about it, but it took Darry about a second to realize what I meant. He made deliberate movements, putting the pot of coffee back in the coffee maker and taking a sip from his mug.

"Well," was all he said after he'd swallowed.

Rolling my eyes, I ran a hand through my hair. I wanted to say something, but I just didn't know exactly what to say. He, after all, could think something different than was reality.

"How are you going to tell Johnny? Are you even going to tell him?"

I let out a slow, shaky breath. "I don't know."

"If you want my advice," he started, leaning against the counter next to me, "I'd say that you should go with whoever you like more. Do you know who that is?"

"Yeah. I just don't want to admit it to myself."

"That's the first step. Then, you gotta let the other guy down easily."

He took a few steps toward the living room. "Hey, Dar'," I stopped him. He turned around and looked at me with a cocked eyebrow. "Thanks."

"No problem, kiddo." Darry gave me a wide grin before he settled into the chair in the living room and turned on the TV, still sipping his coffee.