Savin' Me

My palms were sweaty as anything, and my heart was racing in my chest. I wasn't sure that a person could be any more nervous than I was. How was I supposed to tell Johnny that I didn't want to be with him anymore? After all that he'd sacrificed for me? Getting a job...bringing me in off the streets...

I was such an awful person. It was times like these that I wished that I had just cut a major artery or something that time in the bathroom, with my past mocking me, and I was just...gone.

But that wasn't an option, since I was still alive. Bummer. So that meant that I was going to have to break up with Johnny, break his heart...

If it was possible, my heart started pounding faster, harder, once Johnny stepped through the front door and shut the door behind him. "Hey, Zoe," he greeted, his whole face brightening. Ugh...he was just going to make what I had to do as difficult as possible, wasn't he?

"Hi," I responded gruffly, crossing my arms across my chest. "Listen, Johnny, I gotta say something."

His face fell, and his eyes bore into me. The worst thing was that he didn't seem anxious about what I had to say at all. He just looked worried, worried about me. Was it too late to back out? Could I just say never mind and walk away?

My mind ran through the options seriously, and I let out a sigh, realizing that running away from my problems was not going to fix anything. And so I drew in another deep breath and took a step closer to him, only having to look up to lock my eyes with his a little bit.

"God, Zoe, you look like you're going to have a heart attack. Are you okay?" He immediately grabbed my arm and ripped up the sleeve. "You didn't cut again, did you?"

"No," I shook my head and swallowed. "But I wish I had a razor right now."

His eyebrows drew together, but he didn't say anything, so I kept talking. "Johnny, look, I'm so sorry...but I can't be with you anymore. I know that we didn't really have too much of a relationship to start with, but I just can't..." My eyes started tearing up, so I shut my mouth, knowing that my voice would break if I tried to power through it.

"It's Soda, right?" he asked quietly, his eyes still soft and caring. There was no anger hidden in there, which made me feel even worse.

It hit me like I walked into a brick wall. Johnny had seen it coming, anticipated it. He'd spent time preparing for this moment, the time when I would break things off with him for Sodapop. How had he noticed so easily that I liked him? Even when I hadn't known myself.

"When I told you that I liked him, I didn't know that I did. So it wasn't like I lied to you at all. Things just...changed, I guess."

He let out a small laugh and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "I've known that you liked him for a long time. When I originally asked you, I knew. I just hoped that you'd like me more, or that you'd keep living in the thought that you didn't like Soda."

"I'm so sorry," I choked out, reaching up and covering my mouth with my hand, feeling a few more tears fall from my eyes. "This is not easy."

"It's okay, Zoe." His arms closed around me, and I buried my face in his shoulder. "Really. Don't feel badly about it. I really shouldn't have asked you out in the first place, knowing that you were just going to pick Soda in the end."

"I feel like scum," I muttered, pulling back a little and wiping my eyes. "Like a real horrible person."

"Well, you're not. I'm just glad you told me. Better than leading me on, right?"

"I hoped so. Thanks for being cool about it."

He kissed me on the forehead and smiled sadly. "Just be happy, Zoe."

It was cliché, but I was thankful for it. Then, he turned around and left. It seemed abrupt to me, but I didn't really blame him. I hadn't left him a lot to stick around for.

Taking a deep, shuddered breath, I put a hand to my forehead and made my way into the kitchen. Leaning against the sink, staring at me with both anger and another emotion that I couldn't pinpoint, was Soda.

And there was no doubt in my mind that he heard every word.