You Took What You Wanted

I slid reluctantly into the passenger’s seat of my best friend’s car. With a pout gracing my pink glossy lips I pulled the seatbelt over my chest, locking it to secure my temporary safety. Johanna fell into the driver’s seat and turned her outdated Toyota on, popping a cd in the player and began backing away from my driveway.

“Holly, can you look in the glove compartment and make sure the tickets are in there?” she asked, her voice high pitched and bubbly. I nodded with a quick roll of my eyes and fished the two tickets out of the messy compartment, slamming it shut and putting the tickets in her cup holder.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked, taking her eyes off the busy traffic for a second to read my expression.

I shook my head and sighed heavily. “I just don’t feel like going anywhere tonight,” I mumbled. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth.

“But we’re going to see Jack and Alex, and Rian and Zack! You love seeing them, what’s gotten into you?” Johanna questioned.

Without answering I turned my body to face the window, crossing my arms over my chest. I was excited to see Jack and Rian and Zack- they were my best friends if not my brothers. Alex, on the other hand, was a different story- a different, twisted story.

It all started back during our senior year of high school on a Friday night. Alex was drunk and I was nervous, but he promised he’d be gentle and would take care of me. I thought against believing him, but I let him continue and to my surprise he actually did keep his promise, stopping himself if I made a noise that sounded anything like pain and cradling me in his arms as he did so. When he was done he toppled over beside me and wrapped his thin arms around my waist, pulling me into him. I rested my head on his chest as the vibration of his vocal chords hit my skull when he told me he loved me. I figured if it wasn’t the alcohol speaking earlier, then it couldn’t have been then, but I was so wrong.

We didn’t talk about that night the next week, until he showed up at my house the next Friday, wanted to repeat the last activity we’d done together. I thought back and told myself that he loved me and he would take care of me and be gentle, just like he promised, so I let him in and led him up to my bedroom. This time, he wasn’t so gentle and he just gave me weird looks of annoyance whenever I winced or hissed at the pain. When he took what he wanted, he smiled, gave me a quick peck on the lips, ascended his pants and marched out of my house. All I could do was lay on my bed, half naked and wonder where the hell my dignity had escaped to. To my dismay, it wasn’t planning on coming back any time soon.

I called him the next day to talk about things. He sounded as if talking was the last thing he wanted to do so I narrowed the conversation to one quick topic. All I needed was a yes or no answer and he could be off doing whatever was more important. I reminded him about the first night we had sex, about how he told me he loved me through staggered breaths. He merely sighed so I pressed onward. When I asked him if he meant it, he sat silently for a moment or two before chuckling and responding with a yes. I felt my head begin to spin and I clung on to my comforter and I took in a choppy breath. “Ok, well, thanks, I love you too,” I responded slowly. I hung up the phone and fell back against my fuzzy purple pillows.

Being in a pretty famous band, Alex was always gone on tours. Every time he came back home, my house was the first one he visited and stayed at for the majority of his time off, just for that one bedroom dance he loved so much. Every time he was finished, he’d kiss me and say “love you” before leaving again. Other than the times he wanted a hookup, I didn’t seem to exist to him. I was only real when I was tangled in the sheets, either mine or his.

For some strange reason though, I allowed him to keep treating me like he did- like a one-night stand that was stuck on repeat. I let him because of the way I felt when he told me he loved me. As I would lay there, him towering above me, feeling like the filthiest dirt there was, as soon as he said those two simple words, I would start glowing. Even though I knew he didn’t mean it and would just say that to keep me from discontinuing our meetings, I couldn’t help but feel special when he did.

It became quite obvious that Alex in fact did not love me when he got a new girlfriend, Katie. I thought that with the new addition to the equation, we would call our operation off, but I was proven wrong when he knocked on my door the same night I was introduced to his new love bug. I was shocked to see him standing on my porch, his hands in his pockets and a smirk effortlessly playing on his lips. He took a few steps forward and cupped my face in his hands and planted his teeth curtains against mine. It was strange-foreplay was never in the picture because he wanted to get in, get done and then get gone.

“What are you doing here?” I asked after I mustered up enough power to stop him.

He looked at my lips and grinned. “What do you think?” He kissed me roughly, getting himself in the mood and I pushed him away again.

“What about Katie?” I asked.

With a wink and a kiss to my forehead, followed by the sexiest sound I’d ever heard come out of his mouth-one that was a mix of pleasure and excitement-said, “Don’t worry about Katie.”

I nodded slowly, looking up into what I wish were sincere eyes and stood on my tip toes to push my lips against his. He inched his way back, and I could almost see the next scene playing in his mind. He put his lips to the tip of my ear and whispered, “Now, come on, Holly, would you turn me on?”

Something inside of me clicked, something I’m not proud of. Being the judgmental hag that I am, had I ever heard of a girl hooking up with a boy that was in a relationship, I would have wasted no time labeling her as a slut, a dirty whore who opened her legs to anyone without consideration. I knew I was slowly going there, if I wasn’t there already. Alex made me dirty, filthy, and he didn’t even have to try because all he needed to do was show up and I would let him have me. I hopped up, my legs wrapping around his bony waist and allowed him to carry me up to the bed that had seen far too much of us.

Alex left that night with the biggest smile I’d ever seen on his face. He didn’t even leave directly afterwards, but instead stayed for a few minutes, just kissing me all over. I wanted to stop him because I didn’t feel right with a taken boy doing to me what he should be doing to someone else, but I went with it. For that hour every couple of nights, he didn’t belong to anyone else but me.

I watched him gather his things and waited for the kiss and the false words of affection but was surprised when I got a little more passion out of him. He deepened the kiss and pulled away and added one more word to his parting phrase: “I love you.” It doesn’t seem like much, but when you hear it, it means the whole world.

It has been two years since that night, yet nothing has changed between us. He’s still with Katie surprisingly and he still comes to me whenever he’s home. It’s sickening, how addicted to him I am and how low I’m willing to put myself to get him when I want him. He has to know how shitty I feel, but I doubt he feels any remorse when he breaks me like he does. No remorse at all-he probably enjoys knowing he has a puppet on strings.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him though. The way he sang his heart out to the people out in the crowd sent shivers up and down my ivory skin. He looked over at me sometimes and winked and I knew he was thinking about what we were going to do after he got off stage. When I was finally able to look away from him, my attention directed to Katie, who was on the other side of the stage. I felt so bad for helping Alex ruin her, but I couldn’t help it-I had my needs too.

Johanna poked me in the side and bumped her hip into mine, more than likely trying to get me to dance along with her, but I just smiled and looked back out at the puppeteer. He thanked the crowd and all four of the boys started walking towards us. They each gave us a smile and when Alex walked past, he jerked his head down the hall, signaling for us to follow him.

We entered a room that was pretty small and Johanna and I sat on a loveseat while the guys dried off with towels and changed shirts. I sat and listened to everyone talk about how their part of the set went, trying to ignore the burning stares coming from Alex. I finally caved in and glanced at him, having to force the smile when I saw his arm around Katie’s shoulders. He smirked, and I knew it was going to happen soon.

As I predicted, no more than a minute later my phone buzzed in my cardigan pocket and I pulled it out, looking down at the screen. Of course, it was from Alex, planning our escape.

bathroom break? ;D

I sighed and put my phone back in my pocket, glanced at Alex and stood up, telling Johanna I needed to use the restroom. As I left the room, I heard Alex say something about going back to the stage to get something he left on an amp and waited against the white brick wall. He was soon exiting the room and smiled when he saw me waiting for him. He walked over to me, laced my fingers with his and led me to the room next to the one everyone was in.

Before he even had the door closed his lips were moving rhythmically against mine, probably to the beat of my racing heart. He sat me down on the couch and the routine began. Kiss my lips, take off my shirt (in this instance my cardigan), take off his shirt, kiss my neck, kiss my lips, lay me down, take off my pants (or my dress), take off his pants, kiss my lips, take off my panties, take off his boxers, kiss my stomach, kiss my lips, dive in.

I laid there motionless except for the upward sliding motion my body was doing due to the forced actions of our bottom halves. He smiled and began kissing and biting the skin of my neck and my hands wound up on his back. I worked my fingers up to his hair and gripped at it a couple of times when he hit my sweet spot. He could always find it so well.

“Holly,” he whispered with satisfaction and his back muscles began to flex as he worked his magic. My lips parted and whimpers escaped. I expected an annoyed look from him but instead he smiled and kissed my shaking lips. That got me even more aroused than anything else could have.

I was getting so close to my breaking point, where all of the built up frustration and heartache this boy was causing would vanish as he let himself go inside of me. He began shaking and his eyes squinted and his breaths became uneven. He started going faster and faster and I held my breath to keep myself from screaming.

“Fuck,” he yelled and I pulled his lips down to mine to quite him. His tongue shot into my mouth and explored every nook and crevice there was before retreating back into its own cave. The world we were living in exploded with his most powerful thrust and I pulled my mouth away from his to let a few moans escape.

“Fuck Holly,” he groaned so loud it sounded like there was a microphone in front of his mouth and just when I thought I was finishing up my body let go again. “Oh God, Alex,” I panted, my chest rising and falling with every breath I took. It looked like he was trying to smile, but the pleasure racing through his veins made his face twist and he started slowing down. “Shit, baby,” he cooed once he was out and lying down on my naked body. I smiled up at him and looked down at the pile of clothes next to us. He moved in to kiss me, but I drew my head back as much as I could with the couch cushion under me. He tilted his head, waiting for an explanation and I prepared myself for an unknown outcome. “Can I get up?” I asked.

Alex stared at me for a second or two and nodded before pushing himself off of me. I thanked him and picked up my clothes off the ground, putting them back on.

“You ok?” Alex asked as he stepped into his jeans. I nodded and slid my dress over my head. “I’m just saving myself the trouble,” I said while I pulled my hair up in a pony tail.

Alex put his shirt on and stepped in front of me. “What do you mean?” I pretended like I didn’t hear him as I slid my sandals on and began to walk around him, but he stepped in my way. “Holly,” he said, his voice almost begging for an explanation. I looked up at him and he looked scared, but I figured he was just worried I was trying to put an end to our reoccurring rendezvous.

“I think the only reason I let you do this to me is because I have some hope that maybe someday you’ll mean it when you tell me that you love me. I’m going to try to wean myself off of you, starting by not listening to you lie to me,” I huffed.

“But, Holly,” Alex said, “I do love you.”

I shook my head and laughed sarcastically. “Save it, I know you only tell me that so I keep letting you screw me anytime you want. And even if I did believe you, what’s left of me you’ll swallow soon, so I would rather take what I still have if you don’t mind. There’s just been too much of this.”

I tried walking around him again but he grabbed my forearm and pulled me back around to face him. “Holly,” he said my name with force and a sense of authority. “I’ve meant it every time I said that I loved you. And too much of you is never enough. Please just believe me. ” I shook my head and took his hand off of me. “Bye Alex.”

I opened the heavy brick door and started towards the parking lot to Johanna’s car. I could hear Alex leave the room and stop, probably to watch me walk away. I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t chase after me. Once I found her Toyota in the still full parking lot, my phone began buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out and read the message from Alex.

i really REALLY love you holly. whether you believe me or not, that’s never going to change. i’m sorry for everything. hopefully you can forgive me for making you feel the way i did, it was unintentional i promise.

I sighed heavily and replied with a “come outside”. When he came running out the backdoor of the venue and spotted me, I smiled with a small shake of my head. He walked calmly to me until his body was only a few inches away from mine. We stared at each other and I sighed in defeat. “You better not be lying,” I warned. He laughed and picked me up by my waist, spinning me around before kissing me.

“Would if be cliche if I told you I loved you right now?” he asked after he pulled away.

“Maybe just a little," I smiled.