Visual Kei

As I looked over at Kiiro, I realized suddenly that it was my chance to confront him. It had been long enough since the incident, it had been nearly a month and a half. However, I was lacking one necessary thing in order to actually begin the confrontation: courage.

The elegant violet kimono had become like a sheet of Teflon wrapped around my body, holding all the heat and anxiety in. For a moment after I had sidled up beside him rather timidly, I just stood there to let my nerves work on overdrive and play themselves out… until I felt my chest constricting, too. I took a deep breath. Beside me, Kiiro had given no indication of having felt me beside him, but I knew that he had to be very alert.

“Hey,” I said softly, a little too softly. I cursed myself, hoping that I would gain the confidence (or lack of caring) that I normally had as I continued. “There’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s been on my mind for a while… maybe you have thought of it also.” When he said nothing, I sighed. “I know you’ve been avoiding me, and I decided to take the first step with this.”

“I’m listening,” he replied coolly. He did not look at me, but I knew he was aware of my words.

“When we first met, I thought you were—ah—attractive and, of course, very awesome. All my life, I’d been dreaming of someone like you. I thought. But now that I know you better and I know what you’re really like, I know that I could have never even dreamt up someone like you… I mean that in the best way possible,” I insisted, mentally scrambling for how to sum up my feelings in simple terms. After a few seconds with nothing, I just moved on. “I think it best to bring it to your attention if you haven’t already realized it. And I just… I think that it will make me feel better to tell you, even if you don’t share the feeling. If you actually hate me with a passion, you will continue to regardless of what I say, but I want you to be able to at least understand me. Kind of.”

Kiiro stood at the rail easily as if we were discussing the weather. Not one lock of hair was out of place, as usual, nor were his sunglasses, which I had come to loathe more than anything else. His posture suggested ease, but his tone proved otherwise. “I have always known.” He continued to look out at the darkness pervading the plains, his toned arms holding aloft his whipcord body; he looked like he belonged here somehow, all pale flesh and spiky hair in front of the darkening hills. Gazing up into the transient sky, I could find no words.

Sighing, he said, “I have no idea what I should say right now.”

“You could start by telling me how you feel.”

“With my hands.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” I said, rolling my eyes. He smiled a bit, but was obviously finding this whole situation uncomfortable. “If you don’t like me back, just tell me and let’s move on with life,” I sighed, turning away a little. I readied myself for his rejection, his flat “no”.

“Humans are so impatient sometimes,” he said softly, a small smile playing along his lips. After a moment, he became serious again.

“Vampires are nothing like we’re portrayed in your media; we were only given the term ‘vampire’ thanks to the fictional work of Bram Stoker. It’s true that we ingest the blood of others, but we do not require it necessarily.” He continued to look out at the darkening sky as he told me more. “Some developed a power that allows them to directly consume energies. These vampires are known to you as psychic vampires.

“We require the life energy of a living creature in order to draw life ourselves. In my original culture, such energy was called ‘chi’, but there are numerous terms for it. Regardless, vampires lose their energy more rapidly than other creatures and must compensate by ingesting the energy of another being with life energy. The easiest way to do it is by drinking blood, which is the equivalent to raw energy, and most of us choose to do that. Blood is the most efficient way to get energy, and it is simplest for our bodies to process.”

“What does this have to do with anything?”

“I’m getting there,” he said, turning and hushing me with a finger and a small smile. “When you saw me hunting that time before, I frightened and hurt you. For that, I cannot ask you for forgiveness, but I will continue atoning until I no longer am able to. I’m not going to throw a pity party, so don’t say a word.” His finger slid off my lips slowly and he looked back up into the landscape beyond.

“My nature is this dependency. Loathsome though it is, I am still here, aren’t I?” he prompted with a bitter, melancholy smile. “When I met you, I had much the same thoughts that you must have had of me. I immediately wanted to protect you… and of course, I thought you were beautiful. From that moment, I must have known what you were; what you were destined to become. Sorry, I shouldn’t say it that way,” he said, leaning once more on the rail with his forearms.

“But to think that I would bear any affection for you- any true affection, that is… If you would have asked me that day in the alley, I would never have believed it to be possible. Something like me does not comprehend love in the same manner of human love.” He looked at his hands as though they were someone else’s and he was examining them for the first time. “We are unnatural, this is true. We steal life from those whom have never known us, have never wronged us— those too innocent to know that underneath our ‘beauty’, we would slit their throats and sing in ecstasy as we bathe in their blood. This, too, is true. How can such a creature know a thing like love?”

Disdain colored his voice, but it was a deep-running sorrow which painted his features.

“There... there are many things that I do not understand about my nature... what I am, or the powers I possess and will later acquire...” He struggled to find words that accurately described the sensations he perceived. "But I understand this... this horrid dependence on those around me! That I should need so intensely is madness. I am... rather, vampires are, beyond mortality!"

His sudden hysteria frightened me beyond all words. I watched him with renewed fear, what I should have felt the moment I realized what he truly was. It seemed to catch up to me suddenly, nearly forcing all breath from my lungs.

"Alice," he called softly, a strange tugging sensation beckoning me toward him. I froze. "I did not know before this moment the concept of real and unconditional love... I know it now, and that I do, I want only to rid myself of it."

"Do you... really mean that?" I asked, feeling my heart lurching in my chest. Could you really be so cruel, Kiiro?

"I mean it with every intensified feeling inside me, Alice. I mean it beyond imagination." He slid his hand idly on the banister, looking away from me. "To thirst for the life's blood of The Divine invites only trouble."

Relief washed over me at his words, though I knew idly that I should probably be disgusted or at least afraid. I felt nothing like that. As if to push the point home, he said, "To love your blood is not to love you."

I glanced at him, puzzled. On one hand, he seemed to enjoy his immortality, but on the other, it plagued him. The youthful, teenage side of me mulled over his last statement and dissected it to best torment me. Did he love me or not? A slightly more mature side of me tried to understand how he felt about his vampirism.

"Will you say nothing?" he asked, almost taunted in a sour but mischievous way.

"The truth is, I don't really know what to say."

"Let actions speak rather than words."

Before I could react, he drew me close to him and slid his smooth, slightly-cool face against my cheek. Startled, I could not even impose upon my nerves to pull away. He continued his gentle caresses, pausing and pressing his lips to my neck teasingly, as if to bite me dramatically. This goading continued for what seemed like just a bit too long before he pulled his face away. His impish smile was also mocking, but somehow stunning.

Without thinking, I pulled him back to me and closed my eyes, savoring what I could about him. I touched his face hesitantly, worried that he would move my hands away from him, but when he didn't, my fingers roved over every gentle slope of his face. His curious scent filled my nostrils; contrary to popular belief, it was not the smell of carrion or anything resembling such a foul odor. I felt more acutely than before even the gentle tickling of his hair on my bare shoulders. He buried his face into the base of my neck for a long moment, and I felt a strange sensation overcome me, as if he were pouring his emotions into me. The intensity and depth of them surprised me at once and I felt as though they would crush me. This pain quickly became unbearable.

As if suddenly sensing this, he regained his composure immediately and tilted my chin up to see his face. His sunglasses were gone, and I was staring into pools of metallic silver which conveyed a complex mixture of sorrow, pride, fear, and joy. Such was the way of Kiiro. There were never raw or simple emotions, only complex ones. Emotions that blended together and somehow made his beautiful eyes so deep and intense, yet at times harsh and alien. I touched his face hesitantly and could not bring my eyes apart from his. Lowering his head as if in slow motion, his lips found mine with equal hesitance. My eyelids eased shut as he kissed me. It was a very innocent, nervous kiss, the kind shared by schoolchildren, but it was something special.

My heart thumped obnoxiously in my chest, swelling my veins under my flesh as I softly placed a hand on his chest. This was my dream since I could lust, but this was more than simple sexual craving. My hot breath fanned across his chest and his over my shoulder and neck. I shakily brought our lips together once more, indulging myself on the pleasure of his arms around my waist. His toned, muscular arms crushed me to him. Every part of me screamed ecstasy, but most noticeably, the inappropriate ones. For the moment, I could ignore it.

Kiiro rested his chin on the top of my head and rocked me back and forth in his arms. “My answer is ‘yes’,” he whispered through a smile.

“To what question?".

“I do return your feelngs.”

My heart soared in my chest, a giggle of relief escaping me. He pulled away from me, his hands holding mine gently. “I forgot to tell you how beautiful you look when you dress this way,” he said, kissing my gloved hand once more, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. “Especially in purple. You look like a goddess.”

“How charming,” I replied, rolling my eyes at his terrible attempt at a pun.

“Yes, ‘goddess’ indeed.” He chastised himself lightly at his ill humor, unable to hide a small grin from me. “May I be graced with one dance with my goddess?” he asked, sweeping me back into the party with him.

“Um,” I stalled, looking at all the twirling couples. Someone I didn’t recognize was dancing with Chino, her face youthful and excited. Chino looked happy, too. Tsurara and Uruha were dancing, Tsurara dressed female this time. They both looked like they were having fun, and both men were very agile on their feet. Even Rei looked amused, though he was standing across the room swirling a glass of wine, surrounded by pretty women. I turned back to Kiiro and realized that I still had to make up some kind of lame excuse for not dancing. “My foot hurts.”

“Alice,” he shook his head. “Don’t make this difficult, or else I shall have to sweep you off your feet. Don’t think I won’t do it.” He raised an eyebrow warningly.

“You wouldn’t dare,” I hissed, narrowing my eyes. Laughing, he picked me up with lightning-fast speed, too quickly for me to even try and defend myself. “Okay, maybe you would dare,” I managed through a mixture of childlike joy, annoyance, and shock.

“So what will it be, my goddess?” he asked with a grin, his long teeth hanging over his lower lip dangerously and (somehow) seductively. “A dance or… other amusements. Your choice.”

“Other amusements?” I asked, confused. “What kind of other things are we talking about? If you mean sex, I haven’t had enough wine for that yet.”

“Who says you need wine to have sex?” he asked with a wink. “You know, I think you’ve had more than enough time to decide. I’m simply going to have my way with you.” I laughed, but looked into his silver eyes as he carried me gracefully up the stairs, not even interrupting the other dancing couples. I wondered if he was joking. His face had been playful, but his tone hadn’t changed. I wondered if he actually meant it.

“Let the ravishing commence!” I announced, laughing as he spun me around, the long train of my dress twirling after me in a deep purple streak.

As he carried me up another flight of stairs, I thought of how this might play out: we would have wild sex, he would tell me that he was kidding, or he was serious and I wouldn’t be able to follow through. He opened the door to his room easily, somehow still keeping me aloft. He lowered me delicately onto red satin bedspread. I looked into his intense eyes, trying to see if he was serious. Before I could make an accurate deduction, he turned back to close the door.