Shattered Love

GERARD

Oh god. Who had this brilliant idea to go to this fucking gay club? Now it’s extremely awkward in front of everyone, and I’m pretty sure my little brother is a little bit of a whore. It’s still late that night, and I’m here lying with Frankie in our room. The others are long since asleep. I’m not sure if Frankie is either. I decide to test it.

“Frankie, you awake?”

“Yeah.”

“Whatcha thinking about?” I was hoping it was the same thing that was on my mind.

“If you want me to be honest, when we kissed. If you don’t, then ask me some other time.”

“Me too. Listen—“

I looked over at him and he was looking right at me. “Gee, I’m sorry, I know you’re straight and I shouldn’t have kissed you liked that. It was completely wrong of me, and I’m really really—“

I cut him off. “God. You think that you kissed me? It was me that kissed you! I should be apologizing to you. It. Well, as long as we’re being honest, I was kind of swept up in the moment. Are we going to make anything of it?”

He looked back up at the ceiling. “Lets hold off until this whole ray and Mikey thing blows over before we make anything of it, okay?” I nodded, doubting he could hear me. Awhile passed before he said anything again. “Does this mean you’re…?”

His voice trailed off, but I knew what he was going to ask me. “Can I get back to you on that? I don’t know myself.” It was his turn to nod this time. I looked at him again and he looked at me. We were both smiling at each other before we both fell asleep.

I woke up in a sweat, afraid out of my mind. I was panting heavily, and Frankie was over my shoulder and was shaking me. I was sobbing and Frankie was holding me tight. “Shh, Shh. Gerard. Come on, Gee, you’re scaring me. Everything will be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” I knew it was only a dream, but I still couldn’t stop crying.

I’ve been having these nightmares ever since the incident. I rubbed my fingers against the only remainders that I have left on my body from when I tried killing myself. It was a horrible time, and the nightmares still haunt me, if you haven’t noticed. Frankie still wasn’t letting go, even though I was stopping my sobbing slowly and my shaking was almost gone. I leaned into his embrace, welcoming the warmth and protection. I feel so safe with him. So safe. I want to be with him for as long as forever, but I know that I can’t. I have to be there for my brother, above anything, and he likes Frankie too. I can’t do that to my Mikey. I’ll just have to deal with it.

“Can you sleep here, Frankie?” I looked up at him, and he nodded at me with a smile on his face. I curled up next to him and he still had his arms around me. I could go to bed safe now, knowing that he was there. It’s so much better than going to bed alone like I normally do. You know, it’s really nice to have a roommate now. Especially when that one roommate in particular’s name is Frank Iero, who I am falling fast for.

BOB

I could hear it from a mile away. It was like my Ray senses were tingling. About a week after Mikey broke up with him, Ray was alone by the woods in the back of the school grounds. I knew that we shouldn’t have left him there. I’ve got to do something, for hell’s sake, I love him more than he realizes. I really fucking am in love with him. Yeah. This is about all you’ll hear from me.

I came up to him when he had the gun held to his head. His eyes were closed, and he was about ready to pull the trigger. Where the fuck’d he get a gun from anyways? “No, Ray. Don’t. Please.”

RAY

I was halfway expecting to hear him. He always knows when I need him. You couldn’t really hear it in his tone of voice, but when I dropped the gun and opened my eyes to look at him, he looked close to tears. You could tell that his eyes were full of concern. He’s always there for me. I let the emotion overcome me and sobbed heavy sobs and he came towards me and took me in his arms.

I have no idea what I was thinking anyways. He was always here. Why didn’t I see him? I didn’t want to die. I mean, Mikey was my life in the past, but that didn’t mean that Bob couldn’t be my life in the future. He seemed to realize this as he pet me lovingly on the head. I know how he loves my fro. I need to give life another chance, I guess. I don’t want to die, I guess. I was just being stupid.

I sank to the ground, still sobbing wordlessly, but words weren’t needed. He just held me and let me cry. I held my head in shame. How could I even think of doing this to Bob, Gee, Frankie, and even Mikey? Am I really this selfish? I guess I am.

I sobbed harder as Bob cried soundlessly with me. “I love you,” he whispered in my ear. I think I always got that feeling from him. I can’t believe I didn’t get it before now. I should’ve realized it. My sobs were becoming further apart and I looked straight into his eyes, only hiccupping now.

“You mean it, Bee? You wouldn’t lie to me now, of all times?” His eyes were brimming over again, and looked at me and nodded seriously.

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. If I didn’t, I would say, ‘Ray, come on, someone out there’s got to love you.’ But well, as long as I know who one of those people is, I might as well tell you. I love you, Ray. Always have, always will.” That might’ve just been the longest statement at a time that he’s ever said to anyone. I think I could really fall for him. I might already be falling fast.

I took his face in my hands, pressing his lips to mine, keeping them there as our tears mingled together. You can’t get aids from that, can you? I don’t think so, but right now, I really don’t care all that much. All that I was concentrating on was Bob. There’s so much emotion to him that I’ve never seen in him before. All this new stuff makes me think that I never really knew him to begin with. Not like this.

Out of nowhere, he pulled away, giving me a funny look. His eyebrows were all scrunched together like I’d hurt him. “What’s wrong, Bee?”

He gave me a sincere look. “Do you really like me? Or is this sympathy, because if it is, save me from the hurt later and let’s stop right now.” I gave him a small smile before kissing him again.

“Bee, there’s no way not to love you. You’re always there for me, and of course I have feelings for you. I wouldn’t kiss you if I didn’t. I’m not like that,” I said, slightly thinking of Mikey. “I’m still hurt from Mikey, and I love him too, but it’s like one of those things where you’re so fucking hurt you couldn’t go back to them if you tried. If you’re patient with me and my being stupid over this, I really want to make it work.”

Bob smiled at me, rather cutely. “Of course. I’ll wait for you, and I can help you get through this. I’ve been waiting since I’ve laid my eyes on you. There’s no hurt in holding out a little bit longer.” He kissed me again, and this time our lips stayed locked.