Status: I wrote this 3 years ago
Untitled
Untitled
Violet paced back in forth in her room like she had been for the past few hours. She couldn't let this happen, not again. She missed one before and now she was going to miss another one. She had been dying to go to a concert without her mother for years. She had been dying to do a lot of things, but had been shot down every single time.
It was like living in an impenetrable bubble. Or a prison. She was eighteen years old. Plenty old enough to have her own life, But she was never allowed. She was never really allowed to do anything. Her mother kept her under lock and key for as long as she could remember. Maybe she thought by protecting her from everything, she'd end up saving her from everything. But what her mother refused to realize (though Violet had told her twice that day alone) that by shielding her from everything while she still lived with her, she was actually doing much more harm than good. How was Violet ever supposed to get along in life if she knew nothing about it? How could she ever face anything if she never knew what she was up against? Her mother had no idea that all of this was killing her on the inside. And whenever she tried to talk to her mother about it, she always made her feel like an idiot for even thinking these things. But her mother really had no idea of what was going on inside her daughter's head. She had no idea that what she was doing was ultimately destroying her slowly on the inside. Would she ever understand? Could Violet ever find a way to tell make her mother actually listen up and pay attention to what was really happening to her own daughter. She had always said that Violet was all she had and would be lost if she ever left. That's really a wonderful thing to say. But was it really true? Violet never really felt that it was. If it was really the truth, then why was her mother constantly pushing her away? Did she even realize how she made her daughter feel all the time? Did she care? It never really felt to Violet that her mother ever really cared about her feelings because she never showed it. She only ever made her feel stupid and pathetic.
Violet was now in her first semester of college. But things had gotten so bad that summer and fall that she began having nervous breakdowns. Some of them were in school were everyone in the cafeteria could she her. A blubbering, hyperventilating mess, sobbing hysterically and mumbling indecipherable things. This had begun to seriously worry her best friend, Angela. It was so bad one day that Angela broke down and took Violet to a campus counselor, hoping he could do something for her inconsolably depressed best friend.
She was scared at first, telling a complete stranger all her problems. Who was this guy? Yeah, he had a piece of paper that said he was a professional and knew what he was doing, but who was he? Did he honestly think he could help her? How do you fix impossible? Because that's exactly how Violet would describe her life. Barely functioning and, even worse, barely existing. She knew it was no way to live her life, but it was all she knew.
She needed freedom. Something she never knew. How did it really feel? Sometimes the thought she'd never find out. Now her mother was at it again. This concert meant more to Violet than her mother would ever realize. Not just because she loved the band. No, there was much more to it than that. Going to this concert would show her mother that no matter what was out there in the world, Violet wasn't afraid to step up and face it. That no matter what her mother was afraid of, Violet was not afraid to try. She needed to prove to her mother that she could survive without being shut up and held down. That even though there may be things out there beyond our control (in this case a mosh pit), she couldn't be afraid and hide all her life. That may be the kind of person her mother was, but then again, Violet was really nothing like her mother. Her mother never realized that by preventing her from so much, she was pushing her so far away that she was considering leaving and not coming back.
Doing something like that would kill Violet because no matter what her mother did or said to make her feel worthless, she still loved her. But living with someone who treated her that way was something Violet could no longer handle.
So going to this concert was not just simply a "want". It was. much more deeply, a need.
But now it was going to happen again. No. It couldn't. Not again. She couldn't stand it. It was hard enough dealing with people at college giving her crap all the time. Whether it was a guy telling her he didn't care about her anymore after only two weeks (like what had happened a thousand times before) or people she thought were friends turning around and stabbing her in the back countless times.
Also filling her mind was the newest fight she was having. Someone she thought was her friend had a recurring tendency to relapse into a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde cycle. The other day, he found out that his friend liked her. He went into a rage worse than she had seen before. (Luckily, she didnt actually see it happen as it was over an IM.) He yelled at her about the backstabbing bitch she was and how she should just go to hell. He did this quite frequently actually. He was worse than a jealous husband. If another guy so much as looked at her, it was somehow all her fault and she deserved to die. But a few days later, he would always apologize and tell her he didn't mean any of it and that she was too important to lose. She would always forgive him and give him chance after chance to make it right. But he never really did because he would always revert to being angry and jealous and telling her that she was worthless. Did he honestly think that would ever make her want to be with him? Did he think that theses qualities were desirable? So she finally decided to forget about him. She wouldn't talk to him anymore or have anything to do with him again. It was better this way.
Her father was gone. He had been for a long time and he was never coming back. Why should he? He had a whole new family half way down the east coast now so why bother with her? But he still managed to find the time to call his son on a weekly basis who, coincidentally enough, lived not that far from her. She'd seen him once in about fifteen years. She did some digging and found him. She conveniently forget about all the time he'd never been there. She was just excited to finally meet him. (It was like meeting him for the first time since she didn't remember him.) He called a few times after that, But eventually the calls got fewer and fewer until they were non-existent. Now, she hadn't heard from him in fourteen months. At this point, she didn't care to hear from him or see him at all. She hated him. He abandoned her. How could he do that to a three year old? How could anyone? But he did. Somehow or another, he did it. And with no remorse because he wasted no time finding a wife and starting a whole new family, leaving his other behind.
All of this buzzed around inside her head while she tried to figure out a way to get to the concert. The pre-sale for the tickets ended tomorrow so she needed to think fast. But it was nearly impossible with all her other thoughts attacking her. She was used to that but, somehow, this time was worse. It had to be everything piling up inside. This piling up of feelings had caused her to slightly lose it before (hence the panic attacks and breakdowns at school), but only slightly. She knew, all to well, that if things kept going like this, something much worse would happen. Everyone had their breaking points. But she could feel that this was getting closer and closer everyday. She was afraid of what would happen, what she would be capable of doing, or worse, who she would hurt. These thoughts also bared down on her, worsening the heaviness she'd felt all her life.
It was like living in an impenetrable bubble. Or a prison. She was eighteen years old. Plenty old enough to have her own life, But she was never allowed. She was never really allowed to do anything. Her mother kept her under lock and key for as long as she could remember. Maybe she thought by protecting her from everything, she'd end up saving her from everything. But what her mother refused to realize (though Violet had told her twice that day alone) that by shielding her from everything while she still lived with her, she was actually doing much more harm than good. How was Violet ever supposed to get along in life if she knew nothing about it? How could she ever face anything if she never knew what she was up against? Her mother had no idea that all of this was killing her on the inside. And whenever she tried to talk to her mother about it, she always made her feel like an idiot for even thinking these things. But her mother really had no idea of what was going on inside her daughter's head. She had no idea that what she was doing was ultimately destroying her slowly on the inside. Would she ever understand? Could Violet ever find a way to tell make her mother actually listen up and pay attention to what was really happening to her own daughter. She had always said that Violet was all she had and would be lost if she ever left. That's really a wonderful thing to say. But was it really true? Violet never really felt that it was. If it was really the truth, then why was her mother constantly pushing her away? Did she even realize how she made her daughter feel all the time? Did she care? It never really felt to Violet that her mother ever really cared about her feelings because she never showed it. She only ever made her feel stupid and pathetic.
Violet was now in her first semester of college. But things had gotten so bad that summer and fall that she began having nervous breakdowns. Some of them were in school were everyone in the cafeteria could she her. A blubbering, hyperventilating mess, sobbing hysterically and mumbling indecipherable things. This had begun to seriously worry her best friend, Angela. It was so bad one day that Angela broke down and took Violet to a campus counselor, hoping he could do something for her inconsolably depressed best friend.
She was scared at first, telling a complete stranger all her problems. Who was this guy? Yeah, he had a piece of paper that said he was a professional and knew what he was doing, but who was he? Did he honestly think he could help her? How do you fix impossible? Because that's exactly how Violet would describe her life. Barely functioning and, even worse, barely existing. She knew it was no way to live her life, but it was all she knew.
She needed freedom. Something she never knew. How did it really feel? Sometimes the thought she'd never find out. Now her mother was at it again. This concert meant more to Violet than her mother would ever realize. Not just because she loved the band. No, there was much more to it than that. Going to this concert would show her mother that no matter what was out there in the world, Violet wasn't afraid to step up and face it. That no matter what her mother was afraid of, Violet was not afraid to try. She needed to prove to her mother that she could survive without being shut up and held down. That even though there may be things out there beyond our control (in this case a mosh pit), she couldn't be afraid and hide all her life. That may be the kind of person her mother was, but then again, Violet was really nothing like her mother. Her mother never realized that by preventing her from so much, she was pushing her so far away that she was considering leaving and not coming back.
Doing something like that would kill Violet because no matter what her mother did or said to make her feel worthless, she still loved her. But living with someone who treated her that way was something Violet could no longer handle.
So going to this concert was not just simply a "want". It was. much more deeply, a need.
But now it was going to happen again. No. It couldn't. Not again. She couldn't stand it. It was hard enough dealing with people at college giving her crap all the time. Whether it was a guy telling her he didn't care about her anymore after only two weeks (like what had happened a thousand times before) or people she thought were friends turning around and stabbing her in the back countless times.
Also filling her mind was the newest fight she was having. Someone she thought was her friend had a recurring tendency to relapse into a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde cycle. The other day, he found out that his friend liked her. He went into a rage worse than she had seen before. (Luckily, she didnt actually see it happen as it was over an IM.) He yelled at her about the backstabbing bitch she was and how she should just go to hell. He did this quite frequently actually. He was worse than a jealous husband. If another guy so much as looked at her, it was somehow all her fault and she deserved to die. But a few days later, he would always apologize and tell her he didn't mean any of it and that she was too important to lose. She would always forgive him and give him chance after chance to make it right. But he never really did because he would always revert to being angry and jealous and telling her that she was worthless. Did he honestly think that would ever make her want to be with him? Did he think that theses qualities were desirable? So she finally decided to forget about him. She wouldn't talk to him anymore or have anything to do with him again. It was better this way.
Her father was gone. He had been for a long time and he was never coming back. Why should he? He had a whole new family half way down the east coast now so why bother with her? But he still managed to find the time to call his son on a weekly basis who, coincidentally enough, lived not that far from her. She'd seen him once in about fifteen years. She did some digging and found him. She conveniently forget about all the time he'd never been there. She was just excited to finally meet him. (It was like meeting him for the first time since she didn't remember him.) He called a few times after that, But eventually the calls got fewer and fewer until they were non-existent. Now, she hadn't heard from him in fourteen months. At this point, she didn't care to hear from him or see him at all. She hated him. He abandoned her. How could he do that to a three year old? How could anyone? But he did. Somehow or another, he did it. And with no remorse because he wasted no time finding a wife and starting a whole new family, leaving his other behind.
All of this buzzed around inside her head while she tried to figure out a way to get to the concert. The pre-sale for the tickets ended tomorrow so she needed to think fast. But it was nearly impossible with all her other thoughts attacking her. She was used to that but, somehow, this time was worse. It had to be everything piling up inside. This piling up of feelings had caused her to slightly lose it before (hence the panic attacks and breakdowns at school), but only slightly. She knew, all to well, that if things kept going like this, something much worse would happen. Everyone had their breaking points. But she could feel that this was getting closer and closer everyday. She was afraid of what would happen, what she would be capable of doing, or worse, who she would hurt. These thoughts also bared down on her, worsening the heaviness she'd felt all her life.