Running From Lions

I wandered down the dimly lit street, anticipation running through my veins but a sense of failure filling my gut.

I wanted to be back here, but surely, coming back wasn’t going to do either of us any good. The six months that I had spent away from him obviously hadn’t been beneficial to me in any way whatsoever. If it had been, I wouldn’t be heading towards his house right now. I wouldn’t have tears streaming down my face because I knew what I was doing was probably wrong. My head was telling me to stay away, to look back on everything that had happened, all of the trouble I had gotten into whilst I was with him, to think about how I was a ‘nicer person’ when I wasn’t around him.

And my heart... My heart was telling me that I needed him. Needed to see him and needed to be with him, just to feel his embrace again; the embrace that I had gotten oh so used to. The embrace that comforted me, the embrace that told me I was loved, appreciated even.

Surely it isn’t possible for me to be any more of a disappointment to my family though. But surely, if they cared that much, they wouldn’t have let me leave the house at a ridiculous hour of the night to come back and find him. Again. They knew where I was going. They knew who I wanted to see. Whether they knew what I wanted to say when I got to my destination was a different matter. Hell, even I didn’t know what I was going to say... All of the times I had thought about coming to see him, getting so close, being at the top of the street that had become so familiar to me over the years that he had been in my life. All of that time, I never knew what I would say when I saw him.

I thought about it, and then froze on the spot.

What if he slams the door in my face?
What if he’s not in and my whole journey has been wasted?
What if he’s moved on and wants nothing more to do with me?
What if he just genuinely doesn’t care anymore?

I swivelled on my heels and darted down the street in the direction I had just come from. My breath was getting heavier as were the tears falling down red, panicked face. I stopped running at the end of the street and curled over in an attempt to catch my breath. I could barely breathe for the dry night air was filling my lungs, swamping my airways and causing me to choke on my tears. I breathed in deep trying to calm myself down, just to stop the tears from hurtling down my hot cheeks, to stop my heart from feeling as though it had been hacked at by millions of daggers.

Attempting to pull my slouched form into a standing position was harder than I thought because when I reflected on what I had just quite literally, run away from, my heart shattered and I crumbled to the sidewalk, my tearstained cheeks meeting shaky upturned palms. My sobs became harder and louder and my breath hitched in my throat every time I sucked the cool air into my lungs. The backs of my hands grazed my thighs and I was slowly becoming even more hysterical than before, my sobs insistent on getting louder with every breath I took.

I closed my eyes and dropped my head onto my knees rocking backwards and forwards slowly muttering the lyrics that replayed through my mind every day since we parted.

I’m not coming back,
I’ve done something so terrible,
I’m terrified to speak but you’d expect that from me,
I’m mixed up; I’ll be blunt,
Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair,
And out of my mind,
I’m keeping an eye on the world,
So many thousands of feet off the ground,
I’m over you now,
I’m at home in the clouds,
Towering over your head...

My voice trembled as the last words escaped my lips and to my surprise a trundling of footsteps hammered down the street and a shadow blocked out the small beam of light that was illuminating the corner of the sidewalk I was curled up on.

Nervously, I raised my head from my palms, opening my eyes slightly, only to be met with the form of someone I had missed so much, someone I was longing to be with.

‘...Alex?’ My voice quivered and my eyes grew wide at the sight of him.

‘You came back?’ He sounded as though he had been crying; though his voice was obviously thick with sleep, I was uncertain if my first thought was correct.

I hesitated in my reply; I was gobsmacked, completely lost for words... ‘Of course I did... I – I missed you so, so much...’ Tears began to trickle down my cheeks again and my voice started to crack.

He knelt down inches away from me, caressing my cheeks with his thumbs, gently wiping the droplets from my warm skin. He brought my eyes into line with his and I could feel his breath against my face. It was calming, soothing almost, just how I remembered him.

He stared straight into my green eyes with his brown ones and asked ‘Why did you ever leave?’

Sorrow filled my heart and washed over my face when I realised I didn’t have a feasible answer. I shook my head a little; ‘Just shut up and kiss me.’

His cold hands quickly moved from my cheeks; one to the back of my neck and one intertwining with my hair. Fiercely pressing his lips to mine, hr ran his tongue along my bottom lip, practically begging for entry. He shifted his body closer to mine in an attempt to gain more contact.

I broke the kiss, pulling away from his grip only to be caught off guard as the pair of us uttered three little words in sync.

‘I love you.’