My Hero, Even Though He Lost His Mind

I couldn’t believe it.

I had done it. I had finally done it.

I had finally said no. I honestly didn’t think I could say no and especially to him, but I had. I sat there, and stared him dead straight in his face and I said no.

I said no to all the lies, the days I spent alone and to all the times he said he’d be there, but never was. I had finally said no and walked away from this life we called “ours” and this love that died the minute we “escaped”.

As I stared at his blank and hurt face I felt my own heart start to swell. I had said no, but did I mean? Could I even possibly walk away from this messed up life we lived and actually survive?

Where would I go? Who would I turn to? Who would want me after they found out I had broken the heart of rhythm guitarist Zacky Vengeance, from Avenged Sevenfold?

I’ll answer that, no one. No one would want me and I knew I had just set up my own lonely, depressed and hollow life. I had pretty much written the rest of days of solitude for myself. I had pretty much marked my own lonely grave. And you want to know some?—

I. Didn’t. Care

I didn’t care if I spent the rest of my life a miserably, grumpy old woman. I didn’t care if A7X fans walked by me, glaring and murmuring half truth gossip. I didn’t even care if the guys took this the wrong way and never talked to me again. I just, didn’t care.

I was tried to be painfully honest. I was tired and worn out from all the half truth, to all of those unreturned calls and mostly to a love that I died trying to save. I was dying. And I think he knew but he was to wrapped up in his own pain to acknowledge mine.

But I would love to ask him this one, simple question; did it happen to him? Did he have to suffer the result of the mistakes we both made that day? No. No, he did not have to.

I didn’t blame him for what happened, no I could never pin that on him. It wasn’t his fault that we had to go through with that life threatening situation. It wasn’t his fault that we both just narrowly escape. It wasn’t his fault that we didn’t check both sides before crossing the road; not his fault we didn’t see the cars coming. No, it was not Zacky’s fault that we had almost died that day; him from the physically roughening and me from the mental damage.

The one thing I blamed Zachary Baker for those was the aftermath. Where was he when I needed him? Where was he all those cold, lonely, distant nights? When I would wake up screaming and find the bed empty, when we both went to bed together? Where was he when I needed him most? I needed him there, not only for myself, but so we could both heal together. I wanted to let him know that even those that happened that he was the one and only man I’d ever love. I wanted him to know that the whole scenario that happened back there held nothing to me. If anything I felt disgusted with myself. I wanted to hold him in my arms and never let him go. I just wanted him there to tell him I loved him and that our relationship could over come anything.

But he never gave me the chance to…

As he stared at me with his sad and dead green eyes, my own amber ones started to tear. God, he was dead. Every single part of him was crying, begging for help but he never let me! That was the one thing that kept bugging me, why hadn’t he just asked last time. I would have dropped every god damned thing I was doing and ran to his aid. I would have held him and told him that it was o-kay! It was okay that he felt this way and that I would be here for him no matter what. I would have gone through with anything he wanted and we could have healed together.

I would have told him it was okay that he witnessed his girlfriend getting raped and than him get beaten severely after and before that.

I know an odd thing to say it is okay too. Actually, it was a very stupid thing to say it was okay too. But, I would have said it nonetheless. I would have sat there with him, held his hand and said it was okay and that we could get through this together. But he never gave me the chance. No, let me tell you exactly what happened after he witnessed everything…

He witnessed it, he witnessed it all. I had hoped and prayed to God that they wouldn’t make him, but they made him. They first beat him senseless and than they made him watch as they pounded in and out of me repeatedly. I didn’t know what was worse; watching this happen or being rendered useless to do anything to stop it from happening.

Nonetheless, he saw it happen, everything. And when I looked at him, I saw that once bright and vibrant light in him go out. His eyes no longer sparkled—and I didn’t think they ever would again—and his face no longer stood in a happy façade. It was forever a frown. And just like that, I saw him turn to shadows. I saw him retreat within himself with no hope or determination to break free. I saw the life leave him and something inside me broke. I almost felt disgusted with myself to let this happen to me. I almost felt like I, like I betrayed him. Like I could have fought harder and with more vigor.

But I knew the consequences and so did he. But when we escape, after they all fell asleep, snoring like pigs, I felt a different and almost hostile vibe float off Zacky. He had vengeance in his eyes; an almost thirst to kill.

“I should fucking rip their heads off right now.” He mumbled to himself, stepping hard and rough. I was shocked I was even catching up with him due to all the pain I felt in my lower region. My legs felt like jelly and the pain ripping through my core almost caused me to double over. I felt like I was in labor or something just as painful. My eyes were lidded, heavy and had deep bags under them. Lips chapped and cut from all the forceful mouths and tongues attacking it, ripping and gnawing. My whole frame shook when I tripped over something and groaned out,

“Zacky, Zacky, baby please d-don’t do anything stupid.” When he turned around, the pain in his eyes almost caused me to double over again and groan. It was like a heat wave, shocking and hitting me hard every time he looked me point black in the eye. His fist clenched and mouth set in dead line, he stared back at me. The moment he turned though his eyes softened and his body once again pleaded for help.

“Hope, I-I-I am, so, just so, damn,” he broke off mid sentence and sauntered over to me, clutching me to his chest. I smiled softly automatically and wrapped my arms around him. This, this right here is all I wanted. Just to be held and loved and just told that no matter what, he’d never leave me. He’d stick by me the whole time, no room for suspicious or assumptions. I bit down on my bottom lip as I felt liquid running down my leg. I cringed and Zacky felt it. His eye brows knitted together almost spontaneously and when he figured out what I was cringing at, his murder set face was back on. He picked me up bridal style—a distant hope now, a far away yearning that may or may not have a future—and started a fast paced walk. He walked us all the way home and the minute I was set on the bed, the lamp beside us flew across the room and hit the wall.

“Fuck! Shit, god, fucking Christ! I should go back and kill them, you know what!? That is exactly what I am going to fucking do, I am going to go and fucking slice their throats open!” more things flew across the room and I shut my eye tight, as silent tears flew down my chapped and dusty tan skin. I was skinning on my cheek, oh God.

I heard more thuds and bangs and than the distant punching of numbers. No, he doesn’t have to call the guys; I just wanted to be left alone at the moment. I just wanted to hold him for this one night because I knew, oh yes I knew that after today everything would be fucked up. We could never go back to how things were but God did I pray. I just wanted this one night to be our last, official “normal” night before everything went downhill.

He stormed back in, grabbing his jacket and wallet, “Z-Zacky, where are y-you going? P-please stay,” I broke at the last word, which caught his attention, “Don’t leave right now, please, just for t-tonight. Y-you can do whatever you want tomorrow, just not t-today, please?” More fat, ugly tears fell down my cheek.

For a second I thought I got through to him, but to my dismay he walked over, wiped them away, and kissed my lips—which was all I really needed, if he only understood back than—and whispered, “Hope, I am not letting those fuckers get away with raping you,” he paused.

He than sat down—another small flicker of hope, brief anxiety that he might actually just stay—pulled me ever so softly and lovingly into his lap, rocking us back and forth, “I am so sorry baby girl. I should have been there, I should have done something, anything that would have protected you from that. I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now and, I just, I just want to say that no matter what happens, they will not get away with this. Their ass is being sent to jail.”

The words held determination and truth and for a second, I almost wanted to believe him and let him go. Than the rational part of my mind kicked in and the possibility of me not only losing him, but if he was asking the guys for help, than the possibility of Michelle and Valary loosing Brian and Matt as well told me something was wrong. If they lost their men for what happened to us I could never forgive myself. They didn’t need to be pulled into this.

“Zacky, please no, please baby, not tonight. You, you don’t need to do this! J-just fucking leave it alone! Let it go, just please!” I couldn’t find words to say. It was like my whole world at the moment revolved around Zacky’s one decision. To bad that decision wasn’t in my favor.

“I can’t.” And without a backward glance, he stalked out of the room and out of house. I late found out that this one decision of his would have him walking out of my life as well.

So that night, I cried. I cried my fucking eyes out for the man I loved, for what just happened to us and more importantly where this would lead us. That night when Zacky returned home, he was pissed drunk. He didn’t give me a side ways glance and fell asleep.

I shouldn’t feel hurt but I did. I should have felt slightly betrayed, but I did. I shouldn’t feel the urge to yell at him, but I fucking did! God, why the hell couldn’t he just have stayed! I just wanted to have him hold me, to tell us everything would be okay. Just for a second…

I wish I could tell you that after that, things got better, but I’d be lying. After that night, the situations only drew us more apart. Zacky would always be out by 6pm and wouldn’t return till 3-4 in the morning. Most of the time he’d be drunk and I swear I could smell the scent of perfume. And it wasn’t mine. But I told myself to stay strong, to not believe in what I thought was true and what was right here in front of me. But still, the suspicion remained as did his nights activities.

And as far as I go, I’d stay curled up in a ball. A fetal position only mental patients were seen in. I’d clutch my knees to my chest and just hope for the pain to evaporate. To leave me with nothing but the remnants of its remains. I wanted to remember nothing, I prayed to God I could just forget. The look on his face, the screams I made and the way they ripped, tore and ravaged. I wanted to forget and move on but I knew I never would.

Life was going to chew me up and then also, spit me out.

I wish I could get over the nightmares that plagued my mind. I wish I could actually wake up with a body next to me, not a presence. I hoped every night that when I would trash wildly in my sleep and scream and beg and moan that someone, anyone would shake me awake and just hold me.

I know it all sounded clichéd and overly played out but I’d be damned if I didn’t say I deserved it. I was not trying to get pity or someone’s apologies I just wanted to be held. I wanted to be able to move on from this terrible experience with the one person who I would go through that physical and mental torture through again and again. I just wanted my Zacky Baker back, the real Zacky Baker.

He should have been there, you know? He should have gone through it with me. But I guess he just wanted to forget as bad as I did. I’d never understand it, but I honestly should have been mad at him, I should have hated him and just left his life.

If he wasn’t there for me, why should I for him?

And every time that thought would invade my mind, I would literally slap myself and curse myself for thinking that. I mean I was talking about my Zacky Baker. The one who’d buy me flowers—when he knew I hated that—and than burn them—which was just as bad. The one who’d spend a whole night just drinking with me and than suffering the same terrible hangover I was. The boy who would always be there when I woke and when we went to sleep. The one who’d hold me in his embrace; and I felt protected. I felt loved and mostly, I felt obliged to reciprocate that feeling.

Now, it was as though that same Zacky Baker would purposely avoid the subject and leave with a bang of the door. The same Zacky Baker who’d pretend I didn’t exist and avoid me like the god damned Apocalypse. The same Zacky Baker who would spend more time hanging out with the guys, drinking himself to death than evening trying to return one call to his distressed girlfriend. The same Zachary, fucking, Baker who had once promised to go through hell and high waters with me and is now leaving me to burn out on my own. He might as well have let me die that night. What with the way he was acting now, it almost felt like I had died.

Though I was told that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way, apparently even the rest of guys had been giving him a hard time over it.

“Zacky, you need to fucking get a hold of yourself and go help your god damned girlfriend get through this.” Matt yelled at Zacky.

Zacky just stared at his best friend with the same dead eyes he gave everyone else. He wasn’t the same Zacky when he preformed anymore, he never would be. He tried to move on and God, did he try and go back to face the mess he called his girlfriend but his legs wouldn’t allow him that luxury.

When a hand hit him upside the head, Zacky glared at Brian, “What the fuck Bri!?” Brian glared at him and slapped him again. His best friend was probably making the biggest mistake of his life and the guys would be damned if they let him.

Zacky snapped as he stood up, sending the chair flying backwards, “Fuck, off Gates, I am not in the mood to deal with your shit.” Brian raised an eye brow and chuckled mockingly,

“Deal with my shit? Why don’t you fucking do us all a favor and go deal with your shit, k!? Hope is literally withering away to fucking nothing and you’re here, fucking anything that moves just so you don’t have to deal with the guilt in your heart and the never ending sorrow that is forever etched in her face.”

The minute the words left Brian mouth, Zacky’s face contorted from a hard straight line to the same dead, lifeless façade. Hope, his Hope was dying and turning into ash while he was out here, doing anything and everything to get his mind of that night. They never found those fuckers but if they had, Zacky could possibly be in jail for a couple of years.

Zacky slouched and fell in his chair again, “Zacky, man come on, you need to talk to her. Every time either Michelle or Val go over, she literally seems to be getting weaker. The life in her is being drained Zacky.” Zacky turned to his best friend, Jimmy with sad and mourning eyes and let his head fall in between his hands.

His friends hated seeing their band mate and more importantly, their best friend turning into nothing. It was like watching a 2-part movie; at the beginning it was all Hope’s sadness and now in the intermission their best friend was fading away as well.

They didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just talk to her. All he had to do was talk to her and get it over with. Than maybe, they both could restore to their once happy and healthy selves.

“It’s been 2 months Zacky,” Matt whispered, “2 months and have you once been home sober to even notice the state in which Hope is living? She literally wasting away into nothing man, she’s becoming invisible.” Brian finished. Zacky never knew it had been that long. How she was still with him Zacky would never understand.

“The guilt kills me everyday.” Matt, Brian and Jimmy’s heads all snapped toward Zacky and at the mention of the incident. Not once had Zacky ever talked about it to anyone in general. They all scrambled to get chairs and seated themselves. Zacky chuckled humorlessly and continued, “The guilt everyday, taunts me and beats me up guys. I-I can’t even look at myself without being disgusted. Everyday, every since fucking day I tell myself I could have done something, anything, everything, I should have done something to help her. For God’s sake she was my girlfriend and I watched someone else touch her. And every time, that guilt is way to heavy for me.”

Zacky paused as his friends stared at him with sad eyes, as his own started tearing up, “I always tell myself I was finally going to talk to her about it and every time I chicken out and run. Fuck I run until I can’t feel my feet anymore. I want to, believe me, I want to make it right but every time I look at her, I feel like I betrayed her. And that sort of guilt is just to much for me to handle.”

“So you shut her out?” Everyone turned towards Valary, who’s eyes were wet and who had a pissed off look. Zacky cringed and looked down. A mocking chuckle was heard, “You Zacky Baker are a sad fucking excuse for a man. That girl needs you, out of everyone she needed you the most. She didn’t care about any of us being there, she just wanted you there. To hold her, to help her up, for both of you to get through this together and what do you do? I throw it all back in her face. You know, she thinks its her fault that you won’t talk to her. Her fault that this all happened, that she’s to blame for your distance,” she laughed cruelly again, voice cracking in several places, “And everyday I try and ell her different but does she listen, no. She retreats more into her.” Val stopped for a second. Everyone waited for her to continue. Matt looked at his girlfriend with sad eyes, they knew how close the girls had gotten.

“You’re fucking disgusting Zachary Baker. Hope would be so much better without you.” Val glared at Zacky one last time and flew out of the door, quiet sobs being heard and than a door slam.

The guys sighed loudly and turned back to him, “She’s right Zacky. If you don’t do anything, you may possibly have to face the fact of loosing Hope for good.” Jimmy said. Looking sadly down at his best friend. Zacky’s eyes were now heavy with tears as they just fell down. He knew she was right, he always knew she was right. They all were, and Zacky knew this. Good God did he know this. Zacky felt terrible for what he did to Hope, every, single, fucking day. He could see how her heart broke, piece by piece, cracks evident in it as they emitted off her face. Even in his state, he could see the pain, hurt and love in her face. And every time he felt the jolt to say sorry and ask for forgiveness, beg, plead, do whatever the fuck she wanted. And just like that, it would turn against him and make him weak in the knees as those nights returned to him and he wanted nothing but to drown in a bottle of Jack. ‘More so drown himself in a bottle of Jack’. And that day, that day should have brought them back together. But just like Valary had predicted, Zacky completed listened to everything and let it seep out of the other ear. If only he had listened that day, maybe, just maybe He would still have Hope right now.

Even after all that, Zacky still did what he did best; listen and not care. He partied, he drank and slept around and the worse part was Hope knew it all and still stuck around. Who knew why and after a while, Valary stopped trying to talk sense into a closed book. There was no way to get her away from Zacky and Val had since than hated Zacky Vengeance.
Me on the other hand, well I just took the pain as Zacky threw it; fast ball after fast ball. It was like he didn’t even ask if I wanted a rebound, just kept throwing and hoping to hit home. And every time I talked myself out of staying with him, I was rendered powerless the minute he walked into the house. And almost for a brief second, he’d look at me with those old, familiar Zacky Baker eyes. The eyes I had grown accustomed and so fell in love with. Those soft green eyes that whenever bore into me, made me feel like I was the only girl there. They made me feel alive, beautiful and loved.

Those same eyes would instantly switch back to their drunken demeanor and walk and then plop shut on the sofa. And just like that I would wake to that same, god damned sofa, kneel down and move the bangs away from his face. I’d absentmindedly caress his face and lay soft kisses all over his face even though I knew he wouldn’t remember them in the morning. And when I got to his lips, I wanted nothing more than to attack them but I knew it wouldn’t be answered so I just lightly run my lips over his. They would taste strong of liquor and love lost. And than they’d have the after taste of betrayal and infidelity.

Oh how I wished he would just finally say something, feel something, just do something.

And he did…

So, after listening to all of that, time brings us back to the here and now. And how, after all the hopes and wishes of being back together, I had thrown it back in his face and told him to literally ‘fuck off’. I had finally said enough was enough and I was proud of myself

I knew Valary would be utterly ecstatic when I told her what happened and that saddened me. I was kind of hoping Zacky would win…But now, now all that did not matter. He had his chance and he ruined it, every, single, time. I didn’t know if I was going to regret this or not, all I knew was that I had to get out. I had to get away from this relationship that in the past had done good for me, but in the last 2 months has done more harm than the actual abuse ever did. And for that, I didn’t know if I could forgive him for. I knew I’d love him, forever and always, I just couldn’t take another lie. Another promise only to be broken again.

“Hope,” he grabbed my hands, oh how I hoped he wouldn’t, “Please, please just listen to me. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, God knows I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but if you can, please, can you find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me.” All those words, a couple of days ago I would have flown into his arms and forgave him. But this time I was different. I felt different. I felt like I had been re born and had another calling.

One that didn’t include Zacky Baker

“It was the guilt Hope; it was the guilt that caused me to walk away form you. Every time I’d see your face, I felt disgusted with myself. I felt dirty and wrong because I couldn’t save the one person who meant more to me than my own life. And every time I heard how you got weaker, I’d feel like that disgust only grew and it grew to one point where I just couldn’t take it. I know this isn’t an excuse for anything I’ve done but,” he paused, gulping, I was so close to saying ‘yes’, “If you can, please forgive your Zacky Vengeance, I really am sorry and I promise you, that from now on, I will be here for you. No matter what you go through, I will go through it with you. I promise that I wont walk away.”

And as I didn’t answer him and only stood up to walk away, I saw that same light go out, again and those same shadows he turned to before, consume him, again.

And you all want to know that one thing that would haunt me forever…?

I think this time he meant it.