Someone Get Me a Doctor, Someone Call the Nurse

(Maddie POV)

It had only been a month. One little four week period of time. Knowing this didn’t help. They said “oh you’ll learn to just separate yourself”, but oh no. Not me. I still cry after every victim lost, every life cut short. And today…well let’s just say that it wasn’t my day.

My day had started off average. It was the usual “oh no Dr. I really did walk into a tree and give myself a black eye while my steroid-enhanced boyfriend watched tv” and the concerned mothers dragging in lethargic children who in reality just didn’t want to go to school. In fact, I was kind of bored at work. I fought the urge to take a break and check my phone for any interesting messages. In the last few months, all three of the guys had taken to texting and calling me about everything from my opinion on songs to just what I was up to. On top of that, my friends from both college and earlier on were all getting together throughout the week, keeping me busy when I had time off. It was nice having so many people to care about me.

After sharing lunch with Leslie—a large woman with a larger personality, and who immediately befriended me on my first day—I noticed an increase in patients. One had accidently caught his hand in the door of his oven and needed a cast plus seven stitches. A set of siblings came in with a mysterious purple rash—later discovered to be a photosensitive reaction to the sun from their allergy medicine. By the time 6 o’clock rolled around, I was running from patient to patient, will little time for anything else.

As I was just wrapping up a final patient with a nail through his foot, the call went up for doctors to help with a code 99—patient on verge of death—that was pulling in now. Having just cleaned up, I raced to the stated surgery room and began to scrub up and sterilize. Next to me, Dr. Redburn was also scrubbing up and nodded at me.

The patient was only a child…maybe 9 or 10. It had been a car wreck with a drunk driver. The boy’s mother was fine, just had a broken arm. The boy, on the other hand, had a deep laceration across his abdomen and several severe cuts on his upper torso. Blood was everywhere. Falling into my Dr. mode, I rushed to assess his condition. Heart rate up, blood pressure low and still dropping.

“Ok, let’s get him sewn up! We can save him!” The room was full of people rushing to save this boy’s life. Lacerated liver and ruptured spleen. Possible punctured lung with broken ribs. God…he was a mess. The worst part was the glass littered everywhere. Before we could start stitching, we had to wash the wounds—something that took time, time the kid may not have. We were in the process of stitching the major wound when the kid flat-lined. Out came the defibrillators and for a moment, I thought we had him. But as I went to finish stitching, the boy coded again, and this time, he didn’t come back.

I left the surgery room after twenty more minutes of attempting to save the child before me. God had called his lamb home. Tearing off my smock and throwing it in the biohazard bin, I held back tears while scrubbing my hands. I walked out into the hall and made my way to the room where the boy’s mother—Mrs. Franks—was being held for her own treatment. As I walked in, the woman and nurse looked up at me, hope on their faces.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Franks, but we lost him.” The wail that came from this woman shook the foundation of the earth itself in its grief. My own heart broke a little more with each quaking sob she released.

“Oh my baby…my baby! Why? Jesus, why?!”

“I’m so sorry for your loss…” Before I broke down and joined her in crying, I exited the room and fled to the locker room. My shift had been over for an hour and a half, and I clocked out with such anguish in my soul that I don’t remember how I got home. I just remember falling to the floor in the kitchen and sobbing. A buzzing invaded my hearing, and I fumbled for the phone, sucking back another sob.

“He…hello?”

“Maddie? We were in town and were wondering if you…what’s wrong?” My chest burned with holding back another fit of tears.

“It was just a child Jare…just a little boy…” and I lost what little control I had left. Choking on my own tears, I knew I needed to breathe, but my lungs had collapsed in sorrow.

“Hold on Maddie, I’m on my way.” The phone went silent, and as I slid to the floor, I released it to clatter beside me. It was only a tiny child. My mind still saw the blood-soaked gurney, glass glittering everywhere and pinging off the floor as it fell. How could such a little body bleed so much…and I couldn’t even save him. What good was all my training for if I couldn’t save the lives that mattered most? It isn’t fair…

The door opened and shut with a bang, footsteps rushing towards me. Warm arms lifted me up into a tight embrace, rocking me back and forth while a soft voice shushed me quietly. Tears poured like waterfalls, my sobs shook my frame like some form of palsy. Children were always the hardest to lose. Curling into myself, I wept with all the force of grief. Maybe I’m too soft-hearted for this job?

“No, Maddie…You just care so much. It’s ok…Shhh. I’m here.” I looked up, sucking back another sob. His eyes were dark with sadness, mouth turned down in a frown.

“I couldn’t save him…he was only a little boy…” Large hands rubbed my back in soothing circles, warm breath brushing past my cheek.

“I know. It’s alright. You did your best.” I tucked my head under his chin, tears still dripping down my face. With his arms wrapped around me and my head under his chin, Jared began to sing. The softness of his voice wrapped around my soul and knitted it back together while his strong arms held me close. Little by little, my tears trickled to a stop and my breathing returned to a more normal pattern. Letting go of his shirt, I smoothed away the last tears on my cheek and sniffled quietly. Jared’s voice died off, and he craned his neck to look at my face. “It’s ok, Maddie…he is in a better place, and I know you did all you could.” Blinking back more tears, I nodded.

“I know…but he was so little. Children are the hardest to lose.” Jared pulled my face up towards his, warm, large hands holding me in place.

“Don’t think on it. Think of other things. If you keep letting it get to you, you’re going to tear yourself apart—and I’m not letting you do that.” Icy blue eyes captivated me, and I felt the world shift under me, as if it had finally righted itself.

“Ok…”