Billie Joe Armstrong Is My Step-Father...and I Hate It

It was about seven in the morning. I knew something was going to explode when I got home. I’ll probably be grounded for ten years. But I felt like I needed to do something… almost… visit a therapist. But I wasn’t going there. I walked down the damp pavement with a bouquet of lillies in my hand, weeds and moss sprouting from the cracks. The city lights twinkled, as the grave yard was on a slight hill. The roads were almost empty, giving it an eerie atmosphere. At least I had my cellphone close at hand, my sharp wits and a pair of powerful lungs. The grave stones were stretching out like a crowd in front of me, but I was only looking for one. I was alone. The others were back at Lisa’s house, probably getting wasted again. But Aiden had called and I told him I was alright and for him to stay where he was. As much as I loved Aiden, I didn’t want him here. He would rush the process. It was still quite dark at this point, and there was butterflies in my stomach as the nerves of being in a graveyard all by myself were starting to knaw at my brain. In fact, it felt like snakes twisting themselves around my stomach. But I tried to ignore it. Ever so often, a name would bounce out at me, names of people I could only guess what happened to them. Roses were dying on the graves of people that were obviously being ditched in their eternal sleep. The sight always made tears sting my eyes, but I blinked them out. Finally, I came to the one I was looking for.

Underneath a statue of Jesus, there was a gravestone, the golden writing glistening in the early sunlight. On the emerald rocks covering his gave there was a bouquet of flowers, organized to read: DAD. There was a fresh bunch of white roses, must have been put there by somebody. On the grave stone, it read:

Here Lies Tony Reict

Husband and Father

1973 – 2005

“I may only hold your hands for a while, but your hearts forever”

R.I.P

I inhaled sharply, sallowing down the usual temptation to wail my eyes out. But I couldn’t stop the tears prickling in my eyes. I put the lillies down on the grave and knelt down beside it, ignoring the dew sprinkling grass letting water seep through my fishnets. At least it will make the camping thing seem more believeable. I was just kneeling there for a while before taking a deep breath.

“Billie is still trying to take your place,” I said to the hole in the ground. Of course, I didn’t get any response. “I suppose you’re just as angry as I am… he’s there for Hollie and you never were given the chance because… well… of the accident.” I sallowed down the lump in my throat, trying to drown out the sound of tyres screeching and metal clashing in my head. I wasn’t there, but I kept hearing that ever since.

“I’ll be back later today,” I went on. “I’m going to drag mum down here, to help you… to help us. I know she can’t face your grave without her emotions crippling up. She hasn’t been here for a while, has she? I remember a week after you were buried, she went missing and they found her here, lying beside your grave… of course, I was going out of my mind worrying… Joanne had to come and mind us.” Joanne was mum’s friend. She was the one I called and she also called the police and stuff. Mum had to go to the hospital for a session of therapy after that, and I hated to remember it before Billie came along… now I smiled at the memory… she loved dad then…

“Tracy favours you over Billie, I can tell… you two got along quite well, but she doesn’t like Billie so much,” I said, a smile itching on my lips. “I suppose that’s a good thing, I’m not alone anymore…” My eyes kept on the stones and the flowers on the ground, I couldn’t look at what was written on the gravestone… telling me everything I already knew…

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for ages…” I continued, sniffing sadly, feeling the overwhelming emotion of sorrow and guilt and a sharp need to cry. “I was so caught up in finding ways to press the self destruct button on mum and Billie’s relationship that I guess… it took over me a bit…” I pulled at my mini skirt nervously, looking down at that now instead of the grave. “I promise I’ll try to visit you much more often. And I promise I’ll bring mum too.”

Almost, as if magic, a small wing blew before dying away. I smiled. “I know, somewhere deep in her own heart, she misses you too… I need to help to pull that out, so she can realise that Billie is just a third wheel. We don’t need him, what we need is our biological dad… that fun loving guy who pushed me into Irish dancing… which is going pretty good by the way, did you know I was picked to compete in the championships? I couldn’t believe it, y’know… I have you to thank for that, dad. If it wasn’t for you shoving me head first into those lessons, I would’ve been nothing.”

I became silent. A car rushed past and I heard an owl hooting softly, and the sun was becoming brighter imn the sky. I pursed my lips together before forcing myself to continue talking. If there was one thing I knew about my own father, it’s that he loved conversations. He would have started one with anybody.

“I just want you back here,” I said, weakly. “It’s been awful ever since Billie pushed himself into our family and he’s even brought his two sons in with him, and believe me, that’s made things worse…” I trailed off, taking a deep breath, “If you were watching over me at the time, you’d know. But I’ve got a real boyfriend now, his name is Aiden Richie, he’s from Brooklyn. I knew you always loved New York since you were there when you were twenty six… when I was two. I started screaming as soon as I got on the plane, at least that’s what you told me.” I smiled, stopping the awkward pulling at my skirt. “Maybe someday I could bring Aiden here… hm… someday, you’ll have grandchildren, dad…” My voice began to wobble as I said the next bit, “It’s just a shame you won’t be there to see them… instead… it’ll be Billie Joe…”

I felt strange. Never before had I felt a hatred so strong and bitter for Billie Joe. EVER. Almost like a wave of anger just swept over me, washing me away with it. I felt my hands curl into tight fists and I closed my eyes. It was the reality of it all. The reality that whilst I was here, talking my dad who was in a hole in the ground, Billie Joe was at home, sucking up to the rest of my family, trying to work his way around each of us. And my dad was in a fucking hole in the ground. Dead. Gone. Forever.

I felt tears slip down my cheeks. But I smiled. “This has been nice,” I said, shakily, standing up. “I know I’ll never get to hear your voice talking to me again… and that I’ll never feel you again… but it’s nice to know I can come here if I miss you too much… you always understand everything.” As expected, there was no response. I started to back away. “I’ll see you later, dad.”

I didn’t go back to Lisa’s house. I walked straight home. I texted Aiden this, who replied with some colourful words because I was just ditching them there. I apologized and told him I would talk to him when he got home (if he ever will…) and also asked him if he could bring home my stuff. I walked up to Billie’s house and took out the spare key he had given me before I left. I unlocked the door and walked in. I wandered up the stairs to brush my teeth, getting the smell of alcohol out of my mouth and taking a quick shower before changing into a pair of jeans and a ragged shirt. By then, it was half nine.

And God damn it. I was exhausted.

“Mommy!”

I jumped as I was walking towards my room when I heard Hollie’s yell. I wandered into the other spare bedroom and peered into the cradle in which Holly was standing up it, gripping onto the handle bars. Her brown eyes filled with enthusistic morning glee when she saw me and she started into fits of laughter.

“Grace is back!” she squealed. She was wearing footie pajama’s, it was pick with white polka dots.

“Shhh,” I said, lifting her out. “You’ll wake everyone up if you keep screaming.”

Hollie blinked before holding up her forefinger to her lips and mimicking my “shhhh”. I smiled at her.

“You know what daddy did?” Hollie asked. I frowned again.

“Who?”

“Daddy!”

“… Please tell me you don’t mean Billie Joe,” I said. Hollie blinked.

“Whosat?” she said, in some cute barbled way of asking “who is that”.

“You know… the man who lives with us,” I said.

“That’s daddy!”

“Wha- no it isn’t!” I said, my eyes widened. Hollie’s blue eyes were still soft with innocence. She nodded.

“Yes it is,” she giggled.

“No Hollie. He isn’t,” I said, sternly. “Remember back when you were two?”

Hollie shook her head. “He is daddy.”

“Hollie, our dad is dead!” I said, raising my voice. When the final word was said, Hollie’s eyes widened in terror.

“Bu-bu-but-!”

“Aw, sorry Hollie,” I apologized, sighing. “But you need to know these things… here, come with me.” I set her down and took her small hand in mine, leading her into my room. I set her down on the bed and took out the picture of me and dad. I sat down beside her. I held out the picture for her to see.

“Whosat?”

“That’s daddy,” I said, smiling at her. Hollie blinked.

“Noooo…”

“Yes. Billie isn’t your dad, Hollie. He never will be,” I said. I never considered this might be too much for Hollie to handle, but she seemed to be handling it decently. Better than Kage did anyway. When he was old enough to understand (he was about eight), he screamed the roof off. Hollie, on the other hand, was gazing at the picture. She pointed at dad.

“That’s daddy?”

“Yes. He’s with God now.”

“Really?” Hollie whispered, her eyes as wide as saucers. “Mommy told me God is a very very good person… but why is he with God?”

“Because God wanted him in Heaven,” I said, explaining death as simply as possible to her.

“Mommy told me heaven is also a very very good place!” Hollie giggled. “So daddy is in Heaven?”

“Yea. And someday, you’ll be there,” I said. Hollie’s eyes glistened.

“Really?”

“Yea, sure,” I said, wincing on the inside at the thought of Hollie dying. “And then you’ll meet daddy. But not soon, oh no. You'll have to wait until you're reeeeeally old.” Hopefully, I thought to myself.

“Are you going there, Grace?”

“I hope so,” I said. “And Kage is going there, and so is mommy.”

“What about Billie Joe?” Hollie asked. I shook my head.

“Nah, he’s going to hell,” I said, bluntly.

“Ohhh… what’s hell?”

“The oppisite of heaven,” I said. Hollie took a moment to understand before gasping.

“No!” she squealed. I nodded solemnly.

“Oh yes,” I said. “Billie is a pri- I mean… he’s just not nice,” I added, remembering not to add any bad words when talking to Hollie. Hollie gawped up at me.

“Noooo!” she cried out, slipping off the bed. I blinked a few times before grabbing her as she was running to tell Billie what I said.

“I was only joking!” I confessed.

“What’s going on in there?” I heard someone yawn. Billie was walking across the hallway, his eyes widening when he saw me. “Grace!”

“Joy, it’s the troll… where’s the bridge I have to cross to kick your ass?” I asked, referring to Three Billy Goats Gruff. Strange though. How it related to me. Hollie would be the small goat, Kage would be the bigger goat and I’d be the oldest and strongest goat who beats the shit out of the troll and lets the other two cross the bridge.

“Wh- ho- bu- why didn’t you answer any calls last night?!” Billie said, bewildered. I frowned.

Fuck it… you’re in deep shit, girl.