These Words Are My Heart and Soul

Whilst the music blared and everyone else danced and moshed, I sat on a couch with Cariad in the back. She sang along to every word, having been dating Mikey for a month and hearing demos and their CD.

I’d started thinking about my mom when the band had played that song. Oh, what’s it called? Early Sunsets Over Monroeville or something like that. It was the whole mood of the song.

See, my mom didn’t exactly die of natural causes. Not long after Gerard walked out on me, and I got depressed, my mom got this boyfriend. He started out nice, but once he moved in, when I was just starting my senior year, he totally changed.

He hardly let her out of the house, did all the shopping and made her clean while he sat on his fat ass eating the meals she slaved over for him. Eventually she cracked, about three months after he started to hit her. She took out a gun from his massive collection and put the damned pistol in her mouth; the end of Laurie McStone. My mom and eventually only friend.

I was orphaned at seventeen. When my life was in the shitter.

Cariad looked round at me, and I saw her happy features melt into sympathy. Her hand came up to my face and wiped my tears away. I sniffed and sobbed slightly, which caused her to pull me into a hug. I couldn’t hold all of it in any longer.

When I’d finished my rant, when I’d finished pouring out everything - my past, my present, every Goddamned fear I’d ever had and still did have - her face was as damp and blurry as mine.

I got another hug, which I returned with gratitude.

“I-I can’t believe all that happened to you. How come you never told me before? You know my parents were murdered when I was three. I could have been here for you to talk to, honey!”

Great, I’d got her thinking about her parents. And when she looked at Gerard, I could really make out the vengeful look across her usually peaceful features. At that moment, I regretted telling her. I knew she was going to confront him. She never let anyone live without justice. God, I love that girl to bits.

“D-Don’t mention anything to anyone. Not Mikey, not Frank… especially not Gerard.”

She looked at me, flabbergast.

“You mean, you never told Mikey? But he says you were so close! And Frank? He’s your boyfriend! I’m sure he’s told you about his past,” she whispered, rather angrily.

“Cariad, I can’t. He told me he loved me the other day, and I just… I just brushed it off. That’s what Gerard’s done to me. But I’ve buried it. Why do you think I’m so unstable, and such an alcoholic? Trust me, if you talk to any of them about it, then these won’t be a thing of the past anymore…”

I rolled up my sleeve and showed her the etched lines in my skin. Her eyes filled with tears as her fingers ran over them. She was gonna get me crying again.

Instead of yelling at me, Cariad pulled me into one of those Auntie hugs. The kind of hugs where you don’t wanna let go because the feeling of solace is just incredible.

“I love you so fucking much, Cariad. You’re my best friend.”

I felt her smile weakly, and I heard her return my words without an ounce of remorse or regret. She was so damn amazing.

***
I came out of school, my bag swung carelessly over my shoulder and a few poetry books and comic books pressed close to my body in my arms. My friend Rebekah happily told me about how she’d gotten a well earned B in her Math pop quiz, and I smiled along with her, hiding the fact I got an A+ so she didn’t feel downhearted.

A random guy, some Jock senior guy (I was only a sophomore) ran up to me.

“Are you dating that Gerard dude?”

I nodded solemnly, secretly wanting to deny having any contact with the guy. The Jock fellow - Jensen I think he was called, quarterback of the football team - pointed to outside the school gates.

Cocking an eyebrow, I followed him with Rebekah in tow to where he had been pointing.

“Well, he’s fighting with some geek senior!”

My blood ran cold and my slow walking pace changed to a sprint. Jensen was right, he was fucking right.

Gerard and Mikey were having a punch-up.

“Stay away from her, you got that!?”

“I fucking can’t, Gerard! She’s always there, even when she‘s not!! But I wouldn’t dare try steal her from you!”

“So you admit it? You love her!?”

Mikey stepped back in defeat, a cut on his cheek pissing with blood. He nodded lightly and kicked the ground, putting his slightly bruised knuckles in his pockets as he did so. Gerard went crazy.

“She’s mine! Fucking mine! Keep your paws off!”

With that, he boxed Mikey round the eye and turned on his heel to go to his shitty car, that was parked in the visitors car-park. As Mikey turned, I could see his eye quickly turning purple.

Gerard had only had a slightly swollen lip and a bit of a nosebleed. Mikey had come off worse.

“Mikey!” I yelled.

He looked up at me, and his face fell more. He looked away, avoiding eye contact. I ran up to him and hugged him. I couldn’t believe Gerard had done that to him. They were brothers, best friends. They were so close. And I was like a stake between them, driving them apart.

“Fucking hell, Mikey…”

He just shrugged and let his arms fall from my waist.

“You shoulda seen the other guy…” he tried to joke, trailing off at the end.

I hugged him again, my books strewn on the floor. Rebekah came over, having miraculously acquired some ice in a pack from the kitchen. She handed me them and I placed it on Mikey’s cheek. He winced, and put his hand over mine.

“I’d never let him hurt you, ya know,” he whispered.

I just about held my tears back.
***