These Words Are My Heart and Soul

It was two weeks since I told Cariad, and Thanksgiving was two days away. And God did I have something to be thankful for.

My sister, Erryn, and her small but expanding family were joining me, Cariad and Frank for dinner. She was arriving soon, to stay the week. Her husband, James Hult, was a great guy. When she first met him, when I was twelve, I had some damn crush on him. They married when I was fourteen, by which time the novelty of the crush had worn off and I was well over him. That’s when my nephew, little Joshua James Zackary Hult came along.

When I heard about Erryn putting dads name in, as well as James’, I cried. I missed, and still miss my dad so much. We both do.

Erryn was expecting again. She knew the sex of the baby, and would probably break her vow of sworn secrecy as soon as she arrived, waving that lovely seven month bump in my face for me to kiss and bless. I knew I would. I was praying for a niece.

Frank’s arm wrapped round my waist as his lips found that place on my head that he liked kissing so much. I grinned and kissed him, before going back to peeling some more carrots for a welcoming dinner I was preparing.

I couldn’t believe I was playing host this time.

Erryn had always been hostess. I’d always be alone, but last Christmas I’d brought Frank with me. She was so pleased with meeting him, she’d tried to over feed him with her amazing apple crumble. But he’d been polite enough to tell her when to stop, and he’d asked nicely too. Ah, she was so proud of me for Frank. I can’t even begin to describe how happy that pride had made me.

All of a sudden, Cariad bounded in, squealing in that wonderfully broad Southern accent that they were here.

I smiled and wandered out to the hall, with Frank’s hand on my side as we walked. My sister smiled at me as she put her bag down. She was getting bigger, and like I’d predicted, she waved the bump slightly and pouted. I bent down and kissed her belly, whispering to it.

“You’re gonna grow up strong and beautiful. You’re gonna have a million friends, everyone’s gonna like you and you’re gonna have all the boys or girls after you. Or both, whichever you prefer.”

Erryn smirked at that.

“She’s gonna have all the boys after her.”

My face, like it so often did, changed to a look of ‘O.o’. I was getting my niece. I’d have the matching set. I could dote on her and teach her about life and boys and make-up and how to look pretty. I could also teach her that looks weren’t everything and that the prissy teen queens at high school were going to lose in the game of life.

She was going to win. I would make sure of it.

***
From then on, Mikey was never around when I visited Gerard. Gerard seemed happier at times, actually having a conversation with me sometimes.

But other times, he was quite the opposite. He would get depressed and start drinking, after which he would force me into bed. Or he would get angry and occasionally throw things or hit me. Somehow, I knew it was either just the alcohol or blind fury from losing his brother.

Coz he had lost him.

So I had to secretly see Mikey, because Gerard had practically forbid any sort of contact between us.

When I saw Mikey, we did normal stuff. We hung out round the playground, and he laughed at me when I accidentally singed my hair lighting a cigarette. Sometimes we drank in the bus shelter, getting totally loaded and crashing the mall. We’d been thrown out of the plaza a few times.

It still didn’t fill the gaping hole that had been left by everything, though…
***