These Words Are My Heart and Soul

We sat down for Thanksgiving, all of us, and said grace. I got Frank to carve the turkey for him, James, Josh and Cariad, whilst I spooned out some vegetables and potato for me and Erryn. The others got their vegetables and potato, and we started eating.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

I smiled politely, but awkwardly as I wasn’t expecting anyone. I answered the door, only to have two arms wrap round my waist and a head bury itself in my shoulder.

Shoving whoever it was off of me, feeling dazed and confused, I almost slammed the door in the face of whoever had so unexpectedly hugged me.

Looking at the face of the perpetrator, I nearly cried. The one person I’d needed to avoid, and could have done without seeing ever again, was standing in my doorway. He’d just hugged me, in the way he’d so often used to. The way that used to make my knees weak, that used to make my heart beat a thousand times faster, the way that used to make me turn to mush; it practically killed me.

“Uh… what?” was all I could say.

“Why did you leave my life? Three years, Loryn. I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Why the hell did you make me feel like this?”

I was… flabbergast. He’d come to my door, hugged me, and then sprayed me with this incredible pile of the most rancid bullshit I’d ever heard. I felt like slapping him.

“What the fuck? How the fuck do you dare come to my house, on Thanksgiving, and give me that load of bullshit?”

Gerard looked at me. Those chapped, blushing lips were licked, dampening them slightly as his brain tried to develop something to say. Those chocolate-honeycomb-minty eyes scanned my face and were filled with confusion and fear and hurt and love. God, that scared me so much.

Frank came in, at my exclamation, to see what all the ruckus was. His expression grew confused as he saw Gerard, and he came over and wrapped an arm protectively round me.

“Uh, hey Gee, what’s up?”

Gerard just looked at the floor and shook his head. I sunk into Frank slightly, entwining my fingers with his on my shoulder and smiling as warmly as I could at him. And he smiled back; such a bright, happy, warm smile that I could feel my heart melting.

But when I looked back at Gerard, everything about him was just so inviting. Everything about him was so damn easy to love. I’d spent the last three years of my tragically teenage life hating him for all he was and all he wasn’t, for everything he’d ever done and hadn’t done. But when I looked at him, I didn’t see that monster.

I saw someone who got scared and nervous sometimes, like me. I saw someone who needed to love and be loved, like everyone else. I saw someone who deserved social niceties, like Frank and Cariad and every other beautiful person. I even saw him as someone I could love again. But forgiving him was just so damn hard.

“So, uhm, what is it you wanted?” Frank asked politely, with a lovely smile on his face.

“Well, it’s lonely at my house, and uh, I spend every single Thanksgiving with mom and dad and Mikey, and Ray is busy, and so is Matt. And I just wanted to, you know, spend some time with you and your gorgeous friends,” Gerard smiled.

I felt my face grow warm and cursed myself. He didn’t mean you, he didn’t mean you, he didn’t fucking mean you, I told myself. But the way he was looking at me said otherwise.

Frank looked at me as if to say, “Pwetty pwease?”, with those beautiful hazel eyes fluttering slightly and a pout growing evident across his ever - dare I say - perfect features. I rolled my eyes, sighed, and nodded. Frank hugged and kissed me, before dragging both me and Gerard into the room where everyone was waiting confusedly.

***
Gerard had gone on a college thing to Wyckoff, so me and Mikey were spending some quality time together.

We were getting drunk in the living room, seeing as the Way parents were out at work. I was on Jack Daniels and coke, whilst he was drinking Budweiser. We were playing cards and betting pennies, giggling retardedly as more and more alcohol entered our system and went to our heads.

I got bored and got up to wander down to Gerard’s room in the basement, and crashed to my knees. I burst into a massive fit of laughter. Mikey started laughing too, and came over to me.

He picked me up bridal style and carried me to Gerard’s room. I buried my head in his chest and inhaled deeply. He smelled like a mixture of Budweiser and cologne. I smiled to myself and snorted slightly. This caused Mikey to giggle too.

In Gerard’s room, Mikey tripped over something, and we fell on the bed. He was on top of me and our arms were wrapped tightly round each other.

We cackled at his stupidness, our eyes closed and totally oblivious to the compromising position we were in. Our eyes opened and met, and our laughter slowly faded into silence. I felt his heartbeat quicken, I heard his breathing jolt, I saw the beads of sweat develop on his forehead.

“Uhm…” I whispered.

I didn’t know what to do. I was kind of stuck in this position where I had his older brother, who was my ‘boyfriend’ - if you could call him that - on one side yet in a whole other town, but I had Mikey. Right there, in front of me, on top of me, ready for the drop of a hat to be able to be even remotely as close to being loved by me.

“Sorry…” he mumbled after a while, rolling off of me.

So I just laid next to him. To make him feel less awkward and more at ease, I pulled his arm round my shoulder and smiled warmly at him. He smiled back and kissed my forehead.

I knew how lucky I was to have Mikey as a friend, then.
***