These Words Are My Heart and Soul

I scowled and walked past him, slinging my bag on the floor and sitting behind his bed. I didn’t want to be here. Frank had been so upset and so discomposed by everything; but something told me he wouldn’t be upset for long. I know there was something between him and Cariad, they just couldn’t see it yet.

“I bought alcohol,” Gerard whispered.

“Give,” I said simply.

He led me to the kitchen and opened the fridge, in which a couple dozen ice cold bottles of various alcoholic beverages lay chilling. My face twitched into a smile to myself as I pulled out my favorites; JD, Bud, and all the typical infusion drinks like vodka.

I grunted a thank you and went back to his room, subconsciously snuggling into the bed and opening the bottles. I was never one for dirtying a glass when alcohol was involved; it was pointless, you should just drink from the bottle. Why dirty a glass when a bottle is plenty?

Gerard slipped a VHS into the player and pressed play. The lights went out and pictures flicked across my face, and I ignored Gerard as he climbed onto the bed next to me. I took a swig of JD, screwed up my face slightly and wiped my mouth; it always tasted better with cola.

“Got any coke?”

His eyes widened.

“Cola, halfwit.”

“Oh! Sure, I’ll go get it…”

And he left. At least I could start watching TNBC by myself and open some Bud to keep myself company. So by the time he came back, I’d swigged off about three bottles.

“Took you long enough,” I muttered.

He smiled awkwardly and sat back next to me. In the darkness of his room, I could feel his eyes on me, and I could hear him shuffle closer to me every once in a while. When he yawned, stretched and put his arm round my shoulders, I scowled and moved away slightly, but felt odd about it.

This hadn’t happened in over three years. He was being nice to me, acting like he cared, for the first time in ages. As the night went on, and I gradually filled up to behind my eyeballs with alcohol and cola, I felt closer to him. I fell closer to him; I hugged my bottle and ended up wrapping an arm round his neck, putting my head on his shoulder.

His other arm had come round and was holding his other, so he had me in a hug. His breathing became deep and shallow, and I looked up to see if he’d fallen asleep. His eyes met mine; he was still awake. A short smile on his face. It disappeared, but then reappeared as I slowly returned it.

A hand ran down my face and through my hair, and I moved my head towards it, closing my eyes and feeling kind of helpless. He whispered my name softly, before moving in and kissing me gently.

I gasped slightly and my eyes shot open, but his hand touched my face again and I sunk into it with a sigh. I knew what was going to happen; my skin-full of alcohol didn’t dumb me down that much.

Gerard rolled us over, him on top. He pulled away, looked at me, and kissed me again with a sigh. I subconsciously undressed him as he knowingly undressed me. It was all happening so fast; I thought it would scare me but it didn’t.

He continued kissing me, his finger tracing a pattern round my navel. I put my head back slightly, closing my eyes as his lips moved to my neck. His fingers laced with mine and he suddenly pushed my hands above my head. I bit my lip and moaned slightly as he pushed himself in.

It was different from before: better. He looked at me, kept smiling and kissing me beautiful, touching me in ways that were nice and weren’t actually scary. And he went slow, didn’t go hell for leather like that’s all it was for, a quick shag. It was making love this time.

And he came. I realized my hands were tangled in his hair and his in mine.

“Oh… no…”

I pushed him off of me and pulled the duvet closer to me, bursting into hysterical tears.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no…” I kept repeating.

My breathing kept jolting and my heart was thudding; what had I just done?

***
I woke up. My eyes started running as soon as they opened; everything hurt. I couldn’t move because there felt like a huge weight on me. Maybe because there was a huge weight on me.

“Mikey,” I croaked.

His head shot up and I saw his eyes. They were bloodshot and kind of wet. He looked like he’d been crying; I couldn’t remember why he could be. In fact, I couldn’t remember anything apart from who he was.

“What happened?”

He looked at me, his face screwing up in confusion.

“He hit you. Don’t you remember? He was… he was hitting you so… so fucking hard… then, you passed out… and- and he ran… the fucking coward… he ran!”

He was just screaming, and crying, and shaking and sobbing as he screamed.

“Who?”

That look again.

“Gerard!”

I didn’t know who he was. It scared me slightly, seeing as he was supposed to be everything: my dreams and my nightmares; my fairytale and my horror story; my love and my hate… not knowing who he was confused and petrified me.

“Who’s Gerard?”
***