These Words Are My Heart and Soul

I spent the rest of that week on the couch. My eyes were swollen and sore, bulging out of my head almost. I hadn’t slept since my night with Gerard; it kept me awake. The TV played, but it felt more like background noise. The only things I could see were little stars against my blurred vision, and the pictures in my head.

My facial muscles seemed to have frozen up, as my face rested in a puddle of drool and tears. I hadn’t eaten, I hadn’t slept, I hadn’t moved and I hadn’t even blinked. I just lay there, thinking and wishing - wishing I could just die so I could get it over with.

“It’ll have been a week in two hours,” I whispered to myself, barely moving my lips.

A week. A whole week away from the only two people, aside from my sister and her lot, who gave a damn. A whole week away from the only person I’d loved since Gerard. A whole week away from my best and practically only friend. They hadn’t even visited me - surprise, surprise.

Another thing that scared me - I was due my period. Well, actually, I was due my period three days ago. It shouldn’t be happening this way, I know you’re thinking. Well, I suppose it was my own fault, right?

Right…?

***
It took a few weeks of extra breakage from school for everything to heal. I told my mom I fell down the stairs; she believed me because she thought the sun shone out of Gerard’s asshole. At least I managed to persuade her not to take me into hospital. If I was concussed, I’d find out the hard way.

I still didn’t remember who Gerard was. His drawing on my wall meant nothing to me, and even when Mikey came round with photos and drawings and letters I’d written Gerard way back when, to try jog my memory, it just didn’t click.

But there was one drawing; one drawing that rang a few bells. Not quite as many as was needed, and not quite the full church bells, but maybe a slight wind chime of remembrance and realization.

“I… I remember this…”

Mikey looked up from where his head was in his hands. He was growing frustrated, I could tell, but he was holding it back because he must have understood how hard I was trying.

“Really?” he asked, hope evident in his face and voice.

I nodded.

“I-I remember, sitting, whilst this guy,” - I indicated at the caricature Gee - “was drawing. And he made me take off my top… I… I remember feeling kind of scared. But, I don’t remember why.”

Mikey hung his head.

“Is that all you remember, hon?”

I nodded again. He got up and hugged me, wrapping his arms round my waist tightly and kissing the top of my head lightly. This made my face twitch slightly into a smile, which hurt. I groaned.

“Aw sweetie, I’m sorry, was that me?” Mikey said all worriedly.

I smiled weakly and shook my head, and he kissed my cheek. Made me feel happy, but it was still not reassuring enough. I couldn’t remember who my boyfriend was, for fucks sake.

How scary is that?
***