These Words Are My Heart and Soul

I braced myself, and knocked. Mikey came to the door, laughing and looking behind him. He looked so happy.

“I’ll be right back, just someone at the door, probably our pizza!” he yelled, looking round at me.

He saw me and his face froze. Before it cracked into the wonderful smile that I found so contagious that I even returned it in my disparity. He pulled me into the most heartfelt and perfect hug that I almost cried.

“What’re you doing here?” he asked.

“I just… I wanted to see you,” I lied, smiling.

“Really?” His voice broke slightly, and he cleared his throat. “Uhm, wanna come in meet some friends? You’ll probably know them, they were in Math with us.”

I nodded, sweeping my red hair out my face. He smiled, wrapped an arm round my shoulders and led me inside. His place was awesome.

We went into the living room, where three girls were laughing and throwing things at each other. Beer cans and various bottles littered the table, and the girls were giggling and cackling at whatever was on TV. I didn’t recognize them at first.

“Loryn, you remember Jereldeen, Jezicca and Elnor?”

They looked round and instantly burst into happy drunken greetings.

“Wiiiiiiiiiiifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!” Jez squealed.

I laughed as she bustled over in a storm of Auntie hugs. I hugged back, happily, and awaited hugs from the others. Jerrie looked at me for a second, and then raced over, pouncing and damn right knocking me over. Mikey’s eyebrow raised as Ellee joined in.

“Hey, hey, don’t you be getting off on this,” I grinned at Mikey, pushing the girls off me and standing up.

We all laughed and they offered me a drink. I hastily accepted and we set into having a decent night.

All the while, I kept looking at how happy Mikey was. If he knew, it would break his golden little heart. He’d been devoted to Cariad; I thought she was true to him. I mean, she was my best friend. How could she?

“Hey, wassup, Ryn, you look a little down and out, doll,” Jez grinned.

“Naw I’m fine. My, uh, drink’s empty,” I grinned back.

She laughed and tossed me a bottle and the bottle opener, which I utilized.

“So. Did Mikey finally manage to act on his crush on you, Ryn?”

I felt my face heat up, and saw Mikey go fidgety and red at the mention. The girls all sniggered and hunched in to hear more.

“No, uh, actually I only got back in touch with him a few weeks ago, after about, uhm, three years?”

“Shiiiiiit. Man, what happened?” Jez queried.

“Oh just… stuff, you know.”

“Mmm. So, you with Gerard still?” Ellee pried.

“Hell no… that ship is well sailed, hun. I’m well over him and I hope it’s safe to say he’s over me. Monday was…”

Mikey’s eyebrow raised again.

“Oh? Monday? What was Monday?”

“I, uh, nothing…”

“No, come on spill. I wanna know all the sordid deets.”

The girls were dieing to know, as Jerrie proved with saying this.

“Well, uh… just a stupid one time drunk night thing, doesn’t matter.”

“Well, does Frank know?” Mikey asked.

“Pfft like he’d care. He’s done the dirty with-” I cut myself off.

“With?” Mikey asked obliviously.

“With Addie…”

I saw his heart sink in his face. His eyes welled up and his face went pale, and his eyes went to the floor as the bottle in his hand hung loose. I felt incredibly guilty for letting him know. He was going to hate them both now.

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, I think it’s ‘bout time we left, psychos,” Jez announced.

“Yeah. We got more beer at the flat,” Ellee agreed.

“Bye Mikes,” Jerrie quirked up.

The girls said their goodbyes, gave comfort hugs to us both, and chatted to each other happily and drunkenly as they left.

So it was just me and good ole Mikey. I got up and went over to him, sitting on the arm of his chair with my bottle hung loosely in my hand.

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way…”

“Nah it’s cool. Hate to think how you found out.”

“Not really in a bad way. Put two and two together and got four, you know.”

“Yeah.”

He sighed dejectedly, and I put my hand on his shoulder. He smiled weakly to the floor and put his hand over mine, twisting our fingers together slightly. I got up to go back to the couch but he held me there tight.

“Stay? I mean, tonight?”

I smiled warmly at him.

“Sure.”

***
Mikey went home that night, and Gerard stayed instead. He slept in his shirt and underwear, snuggled up to me in my tiny bed. I felt so uncomfortable; I missed Mikey’s comfort and his compassion, and Gerard was sleeping so close and it hurt my bruises. I kept shoving him away, but he kept coming closer, snoring slightly and wrapping his arms round my body.

By three am, I’d moved myself to the couch in my bedroom, watching the TV, which was turned right down so I could barely hear it. I didn’t want to give him any other reason.

I still didn’t know why. I wanted to ask so badly; it burned in my throat like a drag off a cigarette, like the one that was burning away all lonely and small in my ashtray whilst I ignored it for the TV. I needed to know, so I could either apologize for being so awful that he had to put me in my place, or wonder why he’d done something so horrible to me for such a small crime.

The hoody I was wearing still smelled like Mikey’s cologne. The musky one that I liked so much, the one he wore because I liked it so much. He did allsorts to please and impress me. But he didn’t need to, ‘cause I loved him all the same; yeah, I loved him. With Gerard always in the way, it just never crept up. I didn’t want to fuck up what I had with Gerard, for fear of ever losing Mikey.

And yet, in some weird and corrupt way, I still loved Gerard. I was in this weird place in my life where, being as teenage as I can remember at this point, love was everywhere. Yet somehow, I knew the difference between love, like what I felt for the two brothers, and a petty crush, like the ones I kept growing out of for punk boys my own age.

I sniffed my sleeve, remembering Mikey’s kisses on my face and is hugs round my waist, and smiled a little. He was there, even though he wasn’t.

At least it was a small sense of comfort.
***