These Words Are My Heart and Soul

I pulled on the shorts Mikey lent me; God knows how long he’d had them, ‘cause they were all poofy and baggy, like some eighties crap. For bed, I’d opted out of the typical underwear that was my usual regime, and was wearing the awful eighties pants, my Def Leppard tee-shirt and my hoody. The one I’d had for years; the one I’d used to sleep in, solely because Mikey bought me it. The smell had faded.

Climbing into the bed, the pillow smelled like that musky cologne he always used to wear. He still had it. I smiled. It brought back so many memories - some good and some bad.

I didn’t know when good ole Mikey was coming to bed. We were sharing the bed, but I swore to myself I would keep it innocent and PG13. So I felt I was relationshipless now; I didn’t want to plunge into a partnership, however beautiful and lovefilled and with someone I was so incredibly close to (and still hopelessly in love with), with anyone on the rebound.

As I thought about all of this, and slowly faded into sleep, I heard vague movement outside. The door opened, light gushing in and blinding me, and I saw an angel. Well, I saw Mikey - therefore, an angel in the most perfect respect.

“Hello, angel. Where are you?” he whispered, seemingly reading my mind.

I made a small noise and I saw him smile, in the dim light that illuminated his face from behind. He came over to me, pulling off his pants. I smiled slightly as he got in the bed next to me, wrapping his arms around to pull me closer and keep me warm; I, unbeknown to me, was shivering uncontrollably.

My arms became tucked up to my body, just below my chin, and my head became buried in his scented chest. My knees folded just below his crotch; it seemed we were both comfortable. Until I got the urge.

I reached over to the table and picked up my cigarette packet and lighter, and started shuffling towards the end of the bed.

“Hey hon, where’s the fire?”

“Hopefully in my lighter to spark up.”

“Stay in here, I don’t mind,” Mikey smiled.

I smiled back and shuffled towards him again, tilting my head to light the cigarette between my lips. And I threw my head back to exhale. In the corner of my eye I saw Mikey bite his lip and look me up and down. His spark was still there; I wasn’t in it alone.

“Want one?” I offered.

He accepted, and I lit one for him off my own. I took a sneaky drag of it, that made him laugh, and passed him it. Then we laid down on our backs, his arm round my shoulders, and smoked our cigarettes away. He looked at me, smiled and shook me lovingly. I loved being constantly reminded that he was there for me.

We finished our cigarettes and went to the position we were in before my sudden need. He held me close, round my shoulders, and kept brushing the hair off my face. I began to drift off into a light sleep, still feeling, still hearing, still smelling that musky cologne that he wore because I liked it so much.

I became aware that I was crying, as I thought about everything I’d been through in my life. And even though I knew Mikey would always be there, somehow it still felt like I had nothing and no one. Apart from him and myself. Gerard was long gone, Cariad was gone, Frank was seemingly gone; I didn’t even have parents anymore.

Finally waking up, still crying after what only seemed a little while, I sniffed slightly. Someone lifted my head up from under my chin, also stroking my cheek with their same hand. They brought my head up to face them, smiling at me even with my red bloodshot eyes, my runny nose and my wet, scrunched up cheeks.

“You’re not in this alone,” he whispered.

I smiled through my tears at him and he returned my smile ten fold. He pulled me closer, and then hesitantly moved closer himself. He paused, then appeared to agree with himself on his decision. And somehow I knew too. Slowly, he came closer, and I closed my eyes. He kissed me, so beautifully, that I felt like I was going to cry again.

Mikey’s thumb stroked my cheek as my hand rested slightly on his waist. It only lasted a minute or so, but it felt like a lifetime; I never wanted it to end. And yet I found myself thinking, what would Frank say? Mikey pulled away and smiled, which I returned truly. He put our foreheads and noses together and looked straight up at me with those beautiful hazel eyes.

“If that’s the only time I ever get to do that, I can safely say I’ve had the best, most worth the wait kiss of my life,” he whispered.

“So far,” I grinned, trying to hide my massive blush.

He laughed at my smartass reply and closed his eyes. I closed mine too as his hand moved gently and relaxingly against my waist, causing sleep to wash over me in a truly unadulterated wave of bliss.

Gerard’s P.O.V.

I laid on my bed, looking through old photos and drawings I’d kept in an album stroke scrapbook. She was so scared - why did I push it? It probably just made her hate me more. I don’t even know why she hated me in the first place; was it something I said or did way back when?

She was so beautiful. I’d loved her so much back then, and admittedly still do, but… I dunno. I guess I was scared of the age gap. And I felt like I’d forced her into some things, you know. But she never said anything, took it all with a smile. I’d ignored her crying and the bandages because I thought it was just about her father, and she’d always said he was up there watching down on her, and it was best not to talk about it ‘cause it would only hurt her, and I didn’t wanna do that.

And now, I’d lost her again. I mean, she was my best friend’s girlfriend, how could I be so stupid!? Now she’d probably gone and told him and was crying somewhere and Frank was gonna come over and hurt me. I’ve heard he packs a pretty damn mean punch when he’s pissed off enough.

Suddenly, as if on cue, I heard massive banging on my front door. I sighed and got up, climbing the stairs up from my basement bedroom to answer the incessant hammering.

“Yes, alright, I’m coming for fucks sake!”

I answered the door to a slightly scared but more than a little angry looking Frank and a crying version of Mikey’s girlfriend - Cariad, right? Anyways, I felt myself go pale as he barged in.

“Is she here?”

I stammered, trying to get some words out.

“Uh, I-I-I… who? Loryn?,” I asked, laughing nervously and scratching the back of my neck. “Nope, I haven’t seen her in the last twenty-four hours buddy, no sir-ee-bob. And, just for the record, whatever she’s said isn’t true, I swear,” I added.

Frank looked up from where he was searching.

“Wh-what do you mean? …what happened while she was here?”

My blood ran cold; she hadn’t told him. And I’d just landed myself and her in the shit by not being able to control my big fat mouth.

“N-nothing, I just said…” I muttered, looking at the ground.

Nothing? Ugh, I was so stupid to think he’d believe me. I made it so obvious that I was lieing, what with not making eye contact and fidgeting nervously with my fingers.

“Gerard, tell me the truth. Tell me the fucking truth because I can’t take lies right now,” Frank said, his eyes obviously welling up.

Something had obviously happened at home with Loryn. Well, otherwise he wouldn’t be looking for her. I looked between him and Cariad - yeah, I remembered that I was right about her name - and saw some obvious tension. Maybe a fight? Or…

“What happened with you guys?”

It was his turn to get edgy.

“Nothing, alright. Now tell me what the fuck happened with my girlfriend!”

“We slept together, alright!” I yelled.

I swear I saw his heart break in his face. His hand came up to his chest, where his heart was, as his breathing jolted and he collapsed. He blinked, so small it was like a twitch, and a tear rolled down his cheek. I felt my own heart break. God, he really loved her.

“So… so… why?” was all he could say.

“Did you force her into it, like you used to!?”

It was the first and only time Cariad spoke up. I looked at her, confused for a moment. What was- oh no. That’s why she hated me. I felt myself going back, looking at our relationship from a different point of view; from her point of view, from an outsiders point of view, from the thin air around us as a couple.

“Oh God…”

“What? What’s she talking about? Gerard, what does she mean?”

“Me and Loryn… we kind of have history… I didn’t realize I was that bad.”

“Yeah, well, you were. At least, she seems to think so,” Cariad whispered.

Silence. It seemed to deafen me, drown me, openly suffocate me whilst both pairs of eyes stuck to me.

“I… I gotta go find her,” I said after a while.

“Yeah… us too…” Cariad sighed.

I looked up at them questioningly. Frank sighed, having finished crying now, but looking like he would burst back into them at any moment. He stuttered, seemingly unable to find the words to tell me.

“We, uh, did the same…” he mumbled, trailing off.

“Oh…”

***
I was positively shitting myself. My period still hadn’t come, after a whole fortnight. I feared for myself; my mom would kill me if I was… I dared not even think, let alone say the word.

I didn’t know who to talk to. Rebekah didn’t even know I was sleeping with Gerard, if that’s what someone would call it. More like him sleeping with my body whilst my mind imagined all the possibilities where I could be or thinking about something else, trying not to cry whilst he seemed to think he was making me happy.

Rebekah would think of me as a slut. She already had lost a little respect for me because I was dating an older guy. I mean, that was something cheerleaders do, date college guys. And I was no damn cheerleader. And Gerard wasn’t a typical college guy. He didn’t play football, he didn’t go to college parties and hang out with other cool older guys. Gerard was just Gerard. I couldn’t lose my best friend over some guy, just because she was jealous her skinny ass hadn’t lost her virginity; whether she liked it or not, she was a virgin and I wasn’t, however the distressing the circumstances.

Somehow, I knew I already was… that word, but I needed to be sure.

What would Rebekah say? What would mom say? What would Mikey say? But above all, what would Gerard say?

I didn’t know whether he’d handle it or not. I didn’t know whether he’d even care. It’s like, would he stay and get me to have the kid and we’d be the perfect loving family I’d always dreamed I’d have, even with him? Or would he leave me festering in the shit we’d created together, to deal with it on my own?

It scared me knowing that him leaving was a possibility. Just because he’d treated me badly, I couldn’t imagine my life without seeing his face in my way all the time. I couldn’t cope if he wasn’t there to hold my tragically teenage hand and walk me through life. So what if he liked having sex with me and I didn’t like sex? I’d grow into it.

But if he left, I didn’t know what I’d do.
***