These Words Are My Heart and Soul

Sleep. Such a novelty these last few days, but with Mikey, it seemed to come easily. I felt peaceful for the first time in ages, knowing I was safe. But it was interrupted at incessant banging at the front door.

“Fuck it, lets just go in!”

I heard the door open and a herd of elephants storm up the stairs.

“Frank,” I groaned as they all stormed in.

“Please, Loryn, we have to talk.”

I got up out of the bed and went and sunk to the floor in the corner. I put my fingers in my ears and tried to block out and ignore everyone and everything.

“I have nothing to say to you, Iero.”

Someone came over to me and grabbed me roughly by the arm, pulling me up. It was Mikey and he pulled me into a hug. I saw Cariad turn even sadder as he scowled at everyone, telling everyone with his expression to fuck off and leave me alone. I smiled slightly and buried my head in his chest.

“Look, Lorz, we came to apologize,” Cariad whispered.

I looked up at her.

“Ap-apologize? Is that all you’ve got!? Sorry’s not good enough!”

“Stop being such a fucking hypocrite!” Frank screamed suddenly.

My eyes moved to him and I felt my blood run cold. How could he know? Oh, Gerard. He stood behind those other two, and had been looking at me, but was now trying to avoid eye contact.

“Mikey, we need to talk,” Cariad whispered.

“Yes. Yes we do,” Mikey muttered in reply, and him and Cariad wandered next door to try and save their relationship.

So it was me and the two banes of my life. I couldn’t look at either of them, and decided to climb into the bed, curl up and bury my face in the musky scented pillow. I felt a hand fall on my shoulder and went absolutely ape-shit.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I screamed, bursting into tears.

Instead of letting go of me, whoever it was pulled me into a hug. I tried hitting them at first, but I was so knackered that it didn’t phase them. Instead, I pulled my arms up to just under my chin and started sobbing. I couldn’t take this, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack at any time.

“Ryn…”

“You… don’t… get to… call… me that!” I yelled, rather quietly, between sobs.

“Look, whatever I call you, we have to talk.”

I pushed Gerard away and stood up, wiping my eyes.

“Okay, then. We’ll talk. How long, Frank? How fucking long have you been screwing my Goddamn best friend!?”

“Just…!” He stopped and took a breath to calm himself. “Just this week.”

“This… whole week?” I whispered, feeling my heart break.

“Well it’s not like you’re the perfect saint! You did the same thing, with my best friend!”

“Yes, I know that! But the whole week? I know it’s still doing the dirty but I did it once and God do I regret it.”

At this, I saw Gerard’s eyes move to the floor as his lip and chin started to wobble slightly. Ugh how many tears had to be shed that night?

“I regret it too…”

“Then why did you do it again!?” I screamed, starting to cry again.

I dropped to my knees, my face in my hands as I sobbed. It was the loudest and hardest I’d cried in so long. It made my head hurt and my eyes sting and my nose bleed and my cheeks sore. I felt like I was going to be sick from everything. The salty tears ran into my mouth and I tasted them on my lips, only having them make me feel worse.

Frank came over and knelt next to me, sobbing himself as his tears fell onto me. He tried to pull me close but I shoved him away. He tried again and I pushed myself close to him, burying my head in his chest. He smelled like what I’d imagine Heaven to smell like. I’d missed him so fucking much but how could I trust him? How could we trust each other?

“I’m so sorry. So, so, so, so, so sorry,” he whispered in my ear through his tears.

I sobbed and nodded.

“Me too. But… why?”

“I don’t… even know, okay? It just happened.”

“Were you not drunk? ‘Cause I was. Please, say you were drunk…” I pleaded.

“Well, I’d had a bit to drink. I couldn’t believe you’d left for a stupid bet. You hadn’t been away from me since I could remember, Ryn…”

“Thank you…” I whispered. “At least you have a reason…”

I looked up at Gerard and shot him a dirty look. He looked back at me, familiar remorse in his eyes. I swore to myself years ago that I wouldn’t fall for it again, but it just looked so genuine. I got up off the floor and hugged him.

“I’m so sorry, Loryn. I didn’t realize I was that bad. I don’t even remember why I ever left you…” he whispered against my face.

“You left… because you got me pregnant,” I said forcefully.

With that, I walked away from him and back to Frank’s arms, which were open as he stood up. He held me close, his hand brushing my wet cheek as his wet face was against my forehead. He sniffed and looked down at me, the one and a half inch height difference more evident when we were stood so close.

He tried to kiss me but I moved away. I wasn’t ready to go back to that level in our relationship yet. We had to build it back up from the ashes. I shook my head but smiled weakly. He sighed and nodded, returning my weak smile. All of a sudden, there came screams and yells from the next room.

“Shit. Come on, guys!” I yelled, running next door.

I burst into the door and Mikey and Cariad were crying and screaming at each other.

“One kiss is nothing compared to a whole fucking week of sleeping with my best friend!”

“I’m so sorry, okay! I don’t even know why! The first night we got drunk because Loryn was gone and it just felt wrong! And we just kept getting drunk because we felt so guilty! But I swear, it meant nothing! Mikey, I love you!” Cariad cried from where she was kneeling in the corner.

Mikey was sat on the bed, or more like laid, with his hands over his face.

“Drunk? Drunk!? Am I supposed to buy that!?”

“Yes, Mikey,” I said. “You are.”

Cariad looked at me, shock in her beautiful blue eyes. I walked closer and held out my arms. She stood up and ran to me, wrapping her arms round me as mine wrapped round her. I missed her hugs. I pulled her close as her head buried in the crook of my neck, and I put my hand on the back of her head. Her hair was soft as ever.

“Loryn, I’m so sorry.”

“I know, honey.” I kissed her cheek. “I know. Me too.” The tears rolled down my face again.

I hoped the guys would make up to. They silently did; I felt the atmosphere lighten as Frank went and hugged Mikey. There was just Gerard left but I didn’t care. He was in my life for good again now, but it didn’t mean I had to like him. I’d probably be able to get over him easier with him there.

With all due respect, and all truth told, I felt life was finally good again.

***
Sitting in that room was terrifying. On my own.

Gerard had found out. How could I have been so stupid as to leave the test uncovered in the trashcan of my room? But then again, I wouldn’t expect him to actually go near my trash, what with all the girly shit. But he did, as he threw a drawing into the bin and reconsidered. I knew it was the end of me and him.

“Loryn Stonem?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” I said.

“Doctor Jameson will see you now, honey,” the kind black nurse at the front desk said.

I smiled at her and walked past into the doctors office. She told me to dress into the stupid hospital gown and we went into a surgically clean room.

It was humiliating, painful, distressing. I knew the little person already had fingernails, hair, a skeleton and was entitled to a life just like me or my mom or anyone else. But I couldn’t have dealt with it. Having an abortion was against all my (atheist) beliefs and my morals and ethics, but having it inside me would have literally killed me.

I was only sixteen, and that fact aside, I wasn’t cut out, let alone ready, to be a mother to a child. Innocence spared, he or she would have grown up in a truthful, loving family, but hell I know me and my mother couldn’t cope.

Getting my clothes back on, I realized how much it hurt. Every step was a milestone as the sharpness and aching between my legs was incredibly tough to bear. I had to deal, though, with minor painkillers I could find at home and cigarettes I had stuffed in my pockets.

The walk home was easier than the walk there. I felt lighter, somehow, but also heavier. Now I knew I’d been a mother, for a short period of time. My unborn child, not even grown enough to be larger than my pinky fingernail I’ll bet; a wasted life. Guilt washed over me, another burden to be bore. At the moment, I wanted to go back, reconsider just in time and leave, try at it and go through what I had to go through to bring that little life into the world and make it happy like my mother had tried to do for me. Even if it was Gerard’s child.

I knew I couldn’t. That’s what hurt me the most.
***