These Words Are My Heart and Soul

We sat in Starbucks (we hadn’t been barred, which was good and kind of obvious) and awaited the guys’ arrival. They were coming straight from a show they were playing on the other side of Jersey, so we were letting them have a half hour leeway in case they got held up.

Cariad was sat, hunched and introverted, sipping her hot cocoa slowly through her straw and watching the cream on the top bob slightly as the backwash made the level of the liquid rise again.

I fiddled with the hem of my ridden up tee, a one I’d had specially made with the band’s name on. My fingers brushed my belly button, which had awkwardly turned from an inny to an outy. I prodded at it and it pushed in, and it pushed itself out again. This distracted me and entertained me at the same time, causing me to giggle to myself.

Ellee, Jez and Jerrie looked at me weirdly, as if to tell me what I already knew; that I was a screw loose. Like I say, madness is hereditary. I saw the flicker of a smile on Cariad’s face as she bobbed her straw about, swirling the cream a little out of anxiety and slight boredom.

The doors opened and five men wandered in. I held back the urge to twist my face up at Matt’s appearance, and smiled at Frank. He smiled back and sat next to me kissing me lightly as I wrapped my arms round his neck.

Mikey sat beside Cariad and smiled, and she involuntarily burst into tears. Poor Mikey looked at me as if to ask what he’d done and I just shook my head, smiled slightly and pulled Cariad into a hug.

“Come on honey. Better late than never,” I whispered in her ear, brushing her ringlets away slightly.

She nodded into my shoulder and sat up, wiping her eyes. The damn hormones were kicking in already. But I knew how she was feeling; I mean, I’d done the same damn thing only seven and a half months before.

“Mikey… I have some… news.”

Cariad swallowed dryly, and took a sip of her hot cocoa, her hand shaking as her fingers brushed her straw. Mikey looked worried for a second. Frank looked at me and whispered his assumption in my ear. I pulled away and nodded, and Frank had to put a hand over his mouth to stop from exclaiming loudly.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Mikey asked, his hand lightly brushing her cheek.

“I’m kinda sorta maybe just a bit… pregnant?” she muttered.

His face contracted into a look of ‘O.o’, but then went to confusion, and then his face cracked into the biggest smile since they got back together. Wow, he got through Frank’s three stages quicker than Frank himself.

It took a few minutes to sink into Cariad that she’d told him and that he was happy, but when it did finally sink in, she beamed back. The pair hugged and started reciting plans. I grinned to myself and made a toast, dropping in a hint that I was to be a godmother. That got a few laughs from my friends.

With everyone else absorbed in the cheerful atmosphere of Cariad’s pregnancy, I took Gerard to the side and proceeded to ask him a question that had been on my mind for several months.

“How come you forgot? Like, about my mom and about… my other baby?” I asked solemnly, with that tone that came naturally when I talked about that period of my life.

“I guess…” he started. “I guess I just kinda… mentally blocked that period in my life. It was hard for me too… f-finding her like that… I mean, I was only looking for you to…”

He stopped.

“Go on,” I pressed.

“To say sorry and ask you back… I was… I was gonna ask you to marry me…” he whispered.

My eyes diverted to the floor. I’d held the foul resentment against him for nearly four years, believing that he’d been this controlling monster when all along, he’d been in love with me. I started to realize that me and my sister weren’t the only ones who were affected by my mothers’ suicide.

Pulling him into a hug, which surprised him greatly, my eyes welled up with tears. I sniffed slightly, a tear running down into my mouth. I wiped it away, blotting my eyes lightly with my finger. I let go of Gerard and grabbed a napkin, dabbing my eyes and asking if my make-up was okay. He said yeah and I smiled at him.

“I’m sorry, you know,” I whispered, knocking his shoulders with my own to show my appreciation of him.

“What for?” he asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“For being a bitch these last like… eight months and for not being, like, the best girlfriend in the world way back when.”

“Don’t be stupid. You were everything I cold have wished for back then. And more. Hell, you still are. But I know. I know that ship has sailed,” he said, looking back at the floor.

“Hey, cheer up,” I smiled, knocking his shoulders again. “You have Ellee now. I’m always going to be here. And hey, little Laurie’s gonna need her Uncle Gee.”

He chuckled lightly at this, and put his head on my shoulder, before pulling me into another hug. I returned it happily. Finally, my feud with him was over. My eyes drifted over to Frank and Ellee, and everyone else. Frank looked weird from way over here, and Ellee looked lonely.

“We should get back to the gang,” I said.

“Yeah,” he agreed.

So we got up, me with his help, and went back over. I kissed Frank on the cheek and he looked down at me, beaming happily.

“Where you been?”

“Oh, just sorting something out with an old friend,” I smiled back happily.

***
I’d never imagined burying my mother. Seemingly it had always been me who was going to go first, with my suicidal thoughts and my pessimistic attitude.

The funeral arrangements were just how I’d imagined. I had planned them after all. I knew I didn’t have to, that someone else could do it, but that would be an insult. I had to do it, to give my mother the best send off I could have, and she could have, ever hoped for.

Mitch wasn’t there. He was banged up in prison, convicted of GBH, domestic abuse and, in my mind, driving someone to suicide. he was an asshole, a total fucker. I hated him for all he was worth; I’d never ever forgive him.

I watched the coffin go down into the grave. I couldn’t cry; it was just too painful. Somehow, I felt like it was my fault that she’d done it. The way I’d spoken to her on my birthday was awful.

It was all my fault that she’d committed suicide…
***