These Words Are My Heart and Soul

Ellee’s POV

I walked into Gerard’s place, to return a CD I’d borrowed some weeks ago. There was no noise as I wandered through the apartment, apart from soft music from his room. It confused me; he never listened to things like that.

Ascending the stairs, I neared the door. It was ajar. I pushed it lightly, and it slunk open. I saw Gerard on his bed, sweating, with empty bottles - both pill and alcohol - strewn about. There was a small heap of white powder on his dresser. The destroyed man had a razor to his wrist.

Tears streamed down his delicate features, and he sobbed lightly as he whispered the words to the song. I knew which one it was - Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. I remember him mentioning it once, saying something about it being him and some girls’ song.

I can admit I felt a bit upset that he was dwelling in the past; but it was nothing compared to what I felt about the alcoholism, the drugs, the premature attempt at leaving the world.

Was I not good enough? Was his past growing to be his present? Was he dwelling in something I knew nothing of and couldn’t erase?

It hurt. As he lowered the blade to his wrist, I ran in and pulled it off him. By this time, I was crying heavily.

“No!”

I started screaming at him, shaking him, asking him why. Why he was going to do it. Why he was doing what he was doing. Why I wasn’t good enough. He started bawling his reply, blinking out more salty, sordid tears as he did so.

“I still love her,” he cried.

My heart broke. Fantasies blurred and faded. Memories burned and disappeared. The man I’d grown to love, for his emotistic ways and his over-empowering persona, was in love with an ex.

I turned to leave, to start running, to find my friends and beg them to let me go somewhere new and out of this place, but he stopped me. With one word, he stopped me leaving his life. That’s how much power and enthrallment he had over me.

“Please…”

My already dieing eyes welled up again and I turned back round, running to him. Our lips collided and I held him, begging he would forget whoever it was and move on to me. I loved him, why couldn’t he love me like he loved her?

“Gee… what the hell? Why? Who? What?”

“I can’t do it. I can’t see her with him. I can’t see them make a life. The baby was supposed to be mine. She’s supposed to marry me. Her mom shouldn’t be dead. I should be for throwing it all away!”

Loryn. It had to be. What had that cow done to him so many years ago that he was about to kill himself all over again just to prove his undying love for her? I cried, knowing that I was second place to a pregnant bitch who’d slept around.

I held him close and whispered reassuringly in his ear that I was there for him, that I’d always be there. But I couldn’t hate Loryn. I knew half of what she’d been through, so I thought. I didn’t know as much as I thought I did, and she knew it. In fact, I think only Cariad knew all of what had happened.

His phone buzzed and her name flashed up. It stopped briefly, then started again. She wanted contact. So I answered.

“What?”

“Ellee? What’s wrong? Where’s Gerard?”

“He’s busy,” I lied. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to see if he was alright. He pretended to be in Starbucks but I could see in his eyes. Please, please, get him on the phone.”

I contemplated for a bit, giving the state he was in. But she was desperate, seeming genuinely worried. I nudged Gerard, handing him the phone and whispering that it was her. He started crying again, taking the phone and trying to compose himself so he sounded alright enough that she wouldn’t worry.

“What’s wrong?” I heard her say.

“Nothing, just watching something sad,” he lied.

He was such a good liar. He always had been, Mikey had told me. When they were young they’d lie and make up worlds to play in; it was New Jersey, after all.

They talked for a small while and he hung up, saying his goodbyes and pleading that he needed to go because he was busy. Then he threw his phone to the end of his bed.

I swung my feet on the bed, having kicked off my shoes already, and wrapped my arms round him, running a hand up his arm and telling him it’d all be alright as I looking down at his scrunched up face. He calmed and turned round, burying his head in my chest.

“I’m so sorry. I’m trying to live in the past when everything I need is right here, with you. I’m so sorry Ellee… I do love you, I really do…” he whispered.

“Sh, baby, it’s okay. I’m here. I love you too. Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’m here to stay, I’m not going anywhere,” I cooed.

He nodded into my chest and held me close, whispering countless things that I couldn’t make out, for they were muffled by my clothes and by my boobs that he had so geniously buried his head in.

“Marry me,” he said suddenly.

I held him away from me and looked at him confusedly. He looked up, his hazel eyes boring into my own eyes. There was seriousness in his every paling feature. He really wanted to marry me.

“But…”

“Don’t say no. I couldn’t…” He hiccupped. “I couldn’t take losing you too…”

“I wasn’t going to. Babe, of course I’ll marry you. I don’t care that it’s too soon. I couldn’t care less what other people think. Yes, Gerard, I’ll marry you.”

He held onto me tight, kissing my neck as his wet tears stained me. Fantasies re-exploded; memories burst back to life as I set apart for making more. I remember this day for two reasons: the happiest day of my life, and realizing just what I had to lose with him.

*

I hung up my phone and sunk back into my bed. Gerard had always been a good liar, but I’d always been better. Something about his story didn’t fit, but for some reason I had a good gut feeling. It was almost like in his unobvious turmoil, something good was going to happen.

As these reassuring thoughts swirling in my head, Franks arm wrapped round my front and pulled me close to him, breaking my train of thought.

“Mmm, who was that on the phone?” he muttered into my neck sleepily.

“Just Ellee. I called to check up, see if her and… well, to see if she was alright.”

“Hmm, and is she?”

“Yeah. Yeah, she’s alright,” I muttered.

There had always been something about Ellee that I’d always liked. I could never quite put my finger on it though. Somehow I kind of knew that her and Gerard would make a hell of a go of it. That reassured me and let me know that, even in what I knew was his darkest period, he’d be finally okay.

And I could get a good nights sleep knowing that everything was okay.

***
I had to go back to hospital after my moms funeral. But all I did was sit uncomfortably in the blue and white bed, picking at the not so inviting hospital fruit cup and crying. The doctors didn’t know what to do with me. They wouldn’t discharge me, but they couldn’t let me stay there forever.

They told me I could go home the next day. I nodded and asked them how much my treatment would cost. It was a ridiculous amount of money, and considering I had no insurance - being under eighteen and all - I had to pay it all. My money for a rainy day would be dipped into, because I refused to use the money mom had left me. It wouldn’t be right; I knew she’d want me to use it wisely.

Cariad visited everyday. The doctors forever were telling me I had a male visitor who claimed to be my boyfriend, but I’d never let him in. As much a scum as I was, I didn’t want him anywhere near me.

I grew weak again, and the day I went home was the day that I realized I had nothing. My parents were dead, my sister was miles away, I had no other real family that I could contact inside the country. No boyfriend, no real friends, no children. No anything. Not even any grandparents that I knew because my dad never met his parents and my mom’s parents were in Scotland. I felt so alone.

I tried killing myself multiple times. I nearly OD’d on pain pills for my chest; I tried drowning myself in the bath; I tried hanging myself with my robe belt, but it was so flimsy that it just snapped or untied itself; I even tried slitting my wrists. But the blade wasn’t sharp enough and didn’t go that deep. I was stuck on Earth whilst everyone I loved - bar my sister - was in Heaven.

But every attempt I had was thwarted, either by Cariad or the object I was using. It seemed inevitable that my time wouldn’t come when I wanted it. However long I had to wait it out.

I began picturing the world without me. It was a peaceful place; my mom and dad were alive, Gerard was happy with some other girl his own age, Cariad and all my other colleagues and classmates were happy. It seemed better without me.

It seemed I didn’t belong, but I had no choice but to stay. And it killed me every second that I had to live this lonely empty life. Someone somewhere had hated me from the moment I was conceived and had decided to make all this happen.

Quoting Shakespeare, because I’m that uncool - and excuse the rhyme - but, I was ‘fortunes fool’.
***