These Words Are My Heart and Soul

Jerrie’s POV

Today was the day I was finally going to tell them. I was finally going to come out of my grimy little closet and tell them. They were finally going to know.

We were going out that night. Not to a bar, like we’d all used to. We were going to a nice restaurant and our ‘other halves’ were going to pay. I’d been hiding a huge secret for a while now. No one knew. Well, Ellee and Jez and one other person did.

I paced backwards and forwards, waiting for Hailey to get back on the phone and tell me whether she was coming to dinner or not. If she wasn’t, it would mean I wouldn’t have to risk potentially losing my friends, but if she didn’t, then I’d have this burden to bear for ages to come.

The phone rang and I practically dived on the phone, answering it. My legs turned to jelly at the voice on the other end of the line.

We talked, I smiled, and we hung up. After that, I ran upstairs to find the nicest thing I had to wear. Loryn and Frank had booked a table for… 1, 2... 11. It must have cost them a bomb.

Jumping in the shower, I sang loudly into the shower head. The tattoo on my shoulder glistened and I laughed. I remembered that day well.

When all was clean and sweet smelling, I jumped out and got dried. Just to be sure, I phoned Loryn and asked her what I should wear. She said to dress real classy because we were going to Chez Cuisine. I remember squealing loudly before hanging up. I think that scared her, poor doll.

I pulled on my nicest dress. Well, my nicest classy dress, not like a ball gown or anything. It was just below the knee, and came out a bit. It was black and white and kind of flowing; like it was white, with a black floral pattern round the hem. It didn’t have straps so I had to wear one of the strapless bras that annoy me slightly. And it had a nice black ribbon that didn’t untie around the waist.

I perfectly made up my eyes, with silver eyeliner on the top lids and very little black eyeliner on the bottom lids, with a hint of black mascara that I faded into white with my white mascara. I didn’t wear any eye shadow, and put on a pale lipstick.

My shoes were heeled, and were white with black straps and black underneath. They were square, chunky heels because I can’t walk in those spindled stilettos. I wore white see-through stockings, just to give my legs a nice look.

Then I did my hair. I blow-dried and straightened it all, including my angled fringe, and then put it up neatly. I used my super-advanced curling iron to curl random strands at the back. I have to say, I looked kinda good.

I adjusted my bosom area, making sure I wasn’t hanging out or showing any cleavage that would get my date jealous. As I thought of them, the doorbell rang. I guess I’m kinda psychic.

Answering the door, I found two brown eyes on me. My date looked gorgeous. They linked my arm and we set off on the walk to Loryn and Frank’s place, where a mini-bus cab kinda thing was waiting for us all.

*

“Hey, Jerr, who’s your friend?” everyone asked.

“This,” she said, looking kind of nervous. “This is my girlfriend, Hailey.”

I looked at the woman holding onto my friends waist. She only looked about our age. She was really bonnie. She had really red hair that came down to her shoulders and slightly over her face, and was straightened to oblivion. She had a really kind smile that obviously seemed to melt Jerrie’s heart, and deep brown eyes that smiled too.

Her dress and figure were things I envied the most, though. She was perfectly proportioned, with long legs and thin arms. She was short; slightly taller than me and Frank but just Jerrie’s height. And her dress! It looked like satin, pale orange satin, and had a black lace hem. It had thick straps that hugged her shoulders, and had a black buckled belt round her thin waist.

“So, you’re gay?” Frank said.

“Frank, don’t be so rude,” I smirked. “It’s very nice to meet you, Hailey.”

We shook hands and she beamed at us.

“Thank God, I was afraid you wouldn’t accept me there,” she smiled, a Nashville accent creeping through.

Ellee smiled and shook her hand too, saying how great it was to finally meet the girlfriend that Jerrie was always going on about. After introductions and coming out the closets were over, we waited for Jez and whatever guy she’d been with secretly showed up.

We saw them in the distance. Jez looked almost glowing, she was that happy. Her dress was a pale aqua and hugged her body delicately, and her heels weren’t too big. Her hair was done up at the side, with a little fancy flower thing holding it in place neatly. The dress had thin straps to hold it up, and her make up was perfect, as always. She looked absolutely stunning, like all the other girls.

The guy who she was holding hands with looked perfect with her. He wasn’t fat, wasn’t thin; he looked slightly muscly but also in the process of losing a bit of weight. He had blonde-ginger hair, a shade lighter than mine, and had a lip piercing like Frank. Like all the other guys, he was wearing a suit and tie.

Oh, I didn’t describe Ellee’s or Cariad’s dresses. Well, Cariad’s was blue and was almost touching the floor, and was kind of shiny, like silk; her heels were blue, I could see. Her make up, like Jez’s and the others, was perfectly made up. She had her hair in her natural ringlets, but had pinned her fringe to the side with a pretty silver pin.

Ellee’s dress was just above the knee and black. It hugged her body until it got to her waist, and then flowed out a little. She had stockings on and nice, thick silver heels. Her dress had a thin silver belt that went snugly round her petit waist, and she was wearing silver eye-shadow. Her eyes were perfectly made up, in silver; her mascara was black; her lipgloss was clear.

Everyone looked great. I had to wear a maternity dress, but Laurie was a small baby and my bump wasn’t that big coz I didn’t need to eat much - Laurie didn’t get hungry that often. My own dress was purple, and had a sparkly silver jewelry like belt, tucked just above my bump. I was wearing black eyeliner and mascara, purple eye-shadow and a semi-pink lipstick. My shoes were backless inch heels, and had a flip-flop kinda look; they were purple and cork-colored. Frank kept telling me I looked amazing but I just felt plain old fat.

“Introductions?” I smiled.

“Hi, I’m Hailey,” Hailey said, shaking Jez’s hand.

Jez squealed and jumped on her, giving her a huge hug. I take it she’d heard a lot of good things about her.

“Who’s that bit of fluff?” Ellee asked Jez, smiling.

“This is Bob. He’s a drummer,” Jez beamed, taking Bob’s hand and snuggling into him.

Everyone said hi and smiled, and we found out Bob was from Chicago. He seemed really cool. He was an amazing drummer, Jez said, but was doing tech work for some bands when they went on tour. He’d managed to get away for his ‘princess’. this made Jez almost cry with happiness.

We set off to the restaurant in the mini-bus me and Frank had so generously hired, as we knew everyone would want to get rat-assed - bar me and Cariad, for obvious reasons - and not have to worry about getting done on a DUI.

It was going to be the perfect night.

***
I opened my eyes, the eyelids on top feeling sticky so it was strange to open them. I’d obviously not slept very well. It was only four am, and I’d gone to sleep around half past midnight. Cariad was breathing lightly, and I slid my arm out from under her gently, so as not to wake her up.

Wandering through to the ‘front room’, I sat down just as the doorbell rang. I can safely say I almost soiled myself. Hesitantly, I got up to answer it.

Fortunately, it wasn’t Gerard. Unfortunately, it was the other Way.

“Mikes…”

“Loryn, I had to see if you were alright, and…”

He stopped.

“And what?” I asked, a bit more rudely than I’d have liked.

“To tell you that Gerard’s a mess. He’s cutting, he’s drinking, he’s doing anti-depressants, and all at the same time. He really needs you,” Mikey pleaded.

“Look, Mikes…” I started, closing the door slightly so no sound and no breezes disturbed my friend.

“Please, Loryn,” he begged.

“But… I hate him… he messed me up, Mikey. I can’t go back to that, I’m sorry. Go home, Mikey. Go home and forget you ever knew me,” I said, my voice raising ever so slightly as my eyes welled up.

He sighed and I shut the door. I could tell he was still there; I always knew when he was there. He left, sometime afterwards, because I heard him kicking stones and muttering unhappily to himself. I heard him sobbing as he left. I heard the thoughts ticking in his head, and hoped he wouldn’t do anything stupid.

It was Mikey. Good old reliable Mikey. He wouldn’t, no, couldn’t, let his brother or anyone he loved do anything stupid. He couldn’t do it himself either. It was just not him, it wouldn’t ever make any sense.

Gerard was the fucked up one; the off-center one. Mikey was the down to earth, however ditzy, more likely to stay sober at a house party brother. They were completely different and yet so incredibly alike. It was a fact that had always confused, intrigued and slightly scared me.

Yawning only ever so slightly, I wandered back to bed, sliding an arm round Cariad as she turned over in her sleep, and held on to her for dear life. She was the only good thing in my life, directly in front of me, at that point. I’d have done anything not to lose her. Literally, anything.
***