These Words Are My Heart and Soul

I smoothed out the creases in my Metallica tee-shirt and put my hands together, smiling eagerly. He looked at me, grinning almost proudly; the look in his eyes made my face feel warm. Today was the day I’d make some friends, some real and actual friends. We’d have friends, the both of us, as a couple. The mere thought of it made my knees go weak and butterflies erupt in my belly.

And all of a sudden, it all came back. I was falling into a pit of a past I was trying to erase. Falling faster, screaming at the top of my lungs; screaming his name, my savior. But no one would save me.

Then he reappeared.

He held out his hand and smiled that wonderfully infectious smile, reassuring me that I, incidentally, was actually okay. Ultimately, knowing he was there was the best feeling in the world. But he began to fade.

Thinner and thinner, harder to see against the quickly darkening backdrop. And I was falling again, into a deep hole full of regrets, mistakes and my own fucked up misery. I began to question whether I was alive, whether what I was living was someone’s twisted daydream or something just as ludicrous. Doing a rather slapstick back flip, I reached up to where my life was slowly closing around me, the light at the end of the tunnel where that bastards face was, just smiling at me and waving.

“Wake up! God, please wake up!”

I opened my eyes and saw some frightened blue ones gazing down at me. I sat up instantly, clashing heads with that that held the pretty blue gaze.

“Aw fuck!” she exclaimed.

My face was like ‘-.-’ and ‘lmfao’. Cariad laughed at my strange look and I felt slightly happier. That dream was incredible and, for lack of a better word or phrase, fucked up. Suddenly, he burst in the room, jumping on the bed next to me and pulling me into a bone crunching hug.

My face was again, like a mixture of ‘-.-’ and ‘O.o’. But I hugged back anyways, because I loved it when his hands moved up and down my back, sometimes ending up in my hair and other times winding up swirling the small of my back. Which is where his right hand ended up this time, making me smile.

I could see Cariad smirking out of the corner of my eye, and smiled more.

“Eek I forgot to mention!” she squeaked.

I looked at her strange and she laughed. He sat next to me, listening eagerly whilst tangling his fingers in mine. I smiled at him and he kissed me lightly, making me smile wider.

“Okay so I met this guy. He’s so adorable! He wears glasses and is kinda geeky but he’s just the cutest, most sweetest thing. I love him. And the best part: he plays bass in this hot new underground band!”

***
His younger brother walked in while I was getting dressed. He was two years older than me, at about eighteen. Cute, geeky and so damn sweet. Sometimes, it seemed like he was the one I was supposed to be with, and more often than not, wanted to be with. He treated me better.

“Um… sorry…” he mumbled.

I looked away and nodded, pulling down my tee-shirt and hugging myself. I looked away sadly, avoiding eye contact. I think this confused him.

“Hey, come on. What’s wrong honey? Why so sad?”

He walked over and hugged me. I suddenly found myself with my arms wrapped tightly round him, with my face buried in his shoulder as I cried softly. But I held everything back, almost biting my tongue so as not to let it slip out. His brother was his fucking idol, I couldn’t do it to him.

So he stroked my hair, putting his lips close against my ear and whispering that whatever it was that was wrong, it’d be okay, and that if I ever needed anyone to talk to - he was there.

I never did tell him what it was.
***