These Words Are My Heart and Soul

I took his hand in mine and linked Cariad’s arm as we walked towards the small garage.

Why did this street seem familiar? I knew that street sign. That house there looked like I’d seen it before. I found myself looking round, saying in my head all these things about this street that rang familiar. It was scary.

It wasn’t until I got inside that too familiar house that those warning shivers ran up my spine. Cariad looked at me as my shoulders shook slightly.

“What’s wrong?”

Concern. That was her tone of voice. I just smiled at her, trying not to look uneasy, and she smiled back, the concern still visible in her face, though vague now.

He led us through the house, dragging me by the hand to this door that obviously led to the garage he’d pointed out. Pushing it open, we stepped through, only to be met with about four figures.

Two of them looked round, waving happily at my guy, as he ran over to see what the one with the big hair was doing on the white strat in his hands. He strummed a bit, and I could already feel myself falling in love with the small tune.

“Oh! This is your band!?” Cariad squealed.

A third head turned round, from talking to some other guy with long hair. I felt it kind of rude that he didn’t even acknowledge us, even as his rhythm guitarist had just bounded through the door.

I gasped suddenly, recognizing his face. All of a sudden, I knew why the street seemed familiar; I knew why the house seemed familiar.

“Oh my God…”

His face seemed to light up so much when he saw me, just as it had done when he saw Cariad. He got that look in his eye that he’d had so often way back when we were younger. He’d hardly changed, apart from his hair and his new glasses.

“Jeez, Loryn, I haven’t seen you in years!”

He ran over and hugged me, wrapping one arm round my waist and one round my neck. God I’d missed his hugs; they’d always been so much better than his brothers, even when the guy had been nice.

“Yeah, Mikes, it has been a while,” I smiled.

The ears of the last guy perked up, seemingly at the sound of my voice, and he turned, looking me directly in my eyes. I felt my heart sink into my stomach and tears prick the back of my eyes. Not him… anyone but him.

Why did it have to be Gerard? I could feel my eyes welling up. I wanted to run but my legs were like lead and my feet were glued to the floor. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I could hardly breathe.

***
This time I would do it. This time I would tell him no. This time, I’d make him back off. I was convinced I could do it. I just had to look him in the eye and say that I wouldn’t be his little shag rag anymore.

I rang the doorbell and waited. Mikey came to the door, smiling that smile he always had when looking at me. That shine was in his eyes as well.

“Uhm, hey Mikes. Is Gee in?”

“Yeah. He’s just in his room drawing. Go on down, hon.”

I loved how Mikey always called me hon. I hated how Gerard had always called me babe. Again, I got the sensation that I should be with Mikey instead. But no, I was trapped under the insanity and fake-love that was Gerard Way. It was crushing me.

That was when I realized that I actually did need him. He may have made me feel violated and dirty, but I was convinced he was the one. I mean, he had my first time. That meant something, didn’t it?

I walked into his room, finding him drawing. It was amazing to watch; his hand flitted across the page, etching lines and drawing amazing characters that were so alive. They were superheroes, ones he’d invented when things to do were scarce.

I’d seen him draw a million times.

He’d drawn me once, and it was beautiful. I had tacked it to my wall, surrounded by posters of the likes of Metallica and Def Leppard, and rubbishy drawings that I’d attempted.

I closed the door and his ears perked up, in that way they did whenever I was around.

“Hey babe. What took you so long?”

He smirked at me and came closer. I opened my mouth to tell him what I needed to, but when his hands tangled into my hair and his lips touched mine, I was powerless. Even when he did what he so often did, I knew there was no way out…

***