These Words Are My Heart and Soul

At home, I locked myself in my room. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t even cry. I barely even breathed. But I thought. And I mulled. And I wondered and worried and feared and hoped. But it was real. He’d come back to my life.

I wanted him, to be honest. I was totally heartbroken when he walked out my door and left me on my own. We could have made it work, I could have relaxed. But it was just so hard.

He should have given me time. I needed space to breathe, time to make myself ready. If he hadn’t rushed me into growing up, I could be someone else. I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep, and dream about nothing but him and how he bullied and hurt me. All I’d ever done was love Gerard, but…

“Loryn? Honey? Dinner’s ready…”

Frankie knocked on my door lightly. I wiped my face and got up, walking over to the door and opening it. I was greeted with his amazing smile. It was doused in caring and concern, and I suddenly found myself imagining my life without him. God, was it shit.

I smiled back, taking the plate he handed to me. He started to walk away.

“Uhm, actually… I wanna come sit with you…”

Turning round, he smiled that smile again. I put the plate on my dresser and wandered over to him; his hands slid round my waist tightly and his lips crashed against my cheek chastely and briefly, but beautifully. And then he pulled me closer and held me in an embrace so perfect that I just wanted to break down and cry in his arms, tell him all my problems just so he could tell me it would all be okay just one more time.

We walked downstairs and sat on the couch. His arm wrapped round my shoulders as I picked at my food, occasionally putting something into my mouth as I watched the colors and pictures dart across the screen.

“So, do you think you’re up to seeing My Chem. play a show tomorrow night? At the Eyeball place?”

I looked round at him and nodded, smiling weakly. It would break his heart if I said no, and even though I knew Gerard would be there, and that he would infect my thoughts from that moment onwards, I knew I still had to go. To support Frankie.

I loved him. What else was I supposed to do?

***
He was starting to ignore me. He mostly only talked to me when he asked my opinion on a drawing, or mumbling that he loved me after he rolled off of me when he’d had his way. He didn’t kiss me the way he used to. He didn’t hold me the way he used to. He barely even looked at me.

At first, I thought it was guilt.

But the sex kept coming, not as scary as it had first been but nowhere near comfortable. It made my skin crawl thinking about him writhing around on top of me, what was going through his twisted mind as he made those sickening noises.

Mikey was silent too. He was always pale when he saw me, avoiding eye contact and walking round me.

He wouldn’t touch me.

Hugs were a thing of the past. I had no one to turn to, to talk to. No one to bleed for and no one to cry to. So now everything was locked inside.

Neither of them asked why I always had bandages on my arms. Neither of them asked why I never took my hoody off, even if it was ninety degrees out. Neither of them asked what was wrong when I cried in the corner while we watched our movies on Wednesday’s after school.

That was when I realized how alone I was in the world.