Ecophobia

I sat up quickly, instantly feeling sicker than I was in mydream nightmare, only it turned out not to be just in my head. I was in the bedroom of my hell hole, commonly referred to as my home. My head jerked from left to right just looking for any kind of escape; unable to stay under the warm covers any longer I kicked them to the floor.

In my dream I had been brought back here, I guess the feeling of dread had seeped into my dreams to alert me of my misfortune. My hasty hands almost pulled the door off of its hinges in my bid to flee this cruel building. Standing at the top of the stairs I felt light headed as my quick breathes were taking their toil on my mind, jerking my head around didn’t help either.

My parents were downstairs, I could tell by the radio playing happy morning tunes. I gripped onto the banister as I rushed down the stairs, I didn’t bother saying good morning to them; I just had to get out. Thankfully someone left the door unlocked so it was easier for me to get out.

I ran a few blocks more before I was physically unable to run from being so exhausted. Sitting on the curb was the best thing to do just now, I rested my head between my knees and took slow and deep breathes. The trembles had stopped but I still felt the horrible feeling of home crawling over my skin like a million little insects all wanting a piece of me.

Still concentrating on breathing my mind flashed back to the first time I did this, you know running away like a complete fool and a child. I know I need help but from what I’ve read on the internet on the library computers nothing seems to work properly. I tell everyone I just need time and like that specialist on TV said once, phobias are easy to get over.

If only it were that easy.

I wiped some stray tears away as a few twelve year old boys past me, it was then I realized that I looked a proper state. I also remembered that Ryan had promised he wouldn’t take me back home once I fell asleep, I guess he loves me too much to let me sleep out in the cold night. But still he broke a promise and really something I need is someone to relay on when situations occur. Damn sometimes I sound like a self-centered bitch.

Footsteps came up behind me like little drum beats; I guessed it was my dad as he had a weird soldier like way of walking. While sniffing I tipped my head up to look at him, if I were him I’d be pissed off but like a soldier he never loses his composure. I used to be one of his little troopers but now I’m the burden he carries on his shoulders just because I refuse help from anyone.

He knelt down beside me so his face was at my level; he then took my hands and put a chain in it. I studied it, I am most certainly sure that I had never seen my father wear it before. I looked back up at him; his very eyes reminded me of home so I didn’t stare directly into them.

“What this?” I asked, my voice somehow mustered up the strength to be audible.

“My older brother’s chain, he died before you were born. My grandfather gave him it when they first told him he had anablephobia.”

“Anablephobia?”

“A fear of looking up. Can you imagine that, being afraid to look up and see the stars?”

I shook my head and stared down at the chain again, I wondered if he meant to make me feel horrible about all this. My thumb slid over the cool silver, I put myself in my uncle’s position and straight away felt that he had it worse off. He might have said that my fear his worse but by the amount of time I spend outside a majority of it is spent gazing at the moon and twinkling starts.

“I still don’t want any help dad, I can live like this,” I really am becoming a great liar, now the endless fiction spills from my lips without hesitation.

“I didn’t ask you if you wanted help, I am asking you however to not let it stop you doing anything you wish to do,” My dad often sounds wiser than his years, sometimes he reminds me of a fortune teller.

“None of my dreams involve that house or any other house for that matter,” I told him.

He stood back up and patted me on the shoulder like a loving father should, he didn’t deserve what I put him through and neither did my mum. I sat there longer debating to move or not, I ended up sitting there by myself watching the heat glisten above the tar ground.