Ecophobia

“Maybe I should just run away.”

My sudden, out of nowhere words made Ryan’s head snap up at a pace that couldn’t have been good for his neck. Silent horror filled him, I could tell, I’ve known him long enough. I have suggested that very idea to him only once before, back then he looked like I’d said I wanted to kill myself, which I didn’t and don’t.

“No you shouldn’t. That’s the worst solution to a problem apart from killing yourself.” Ryan, I believe can read my mind, and it can be somewhat, annoying.

I’m not stupid, a little insane but not stupid, killing myself would never be an option. I often wonder how unstable he thinks I am but I suppose earlier I did run out of my own house and then kiss him. Oh God I’m turning bipolar now, along with gay, yeah, I liked kissing Ryan. I should watch what I think about though, I do have tendency to speak my thought out loud.

“Whoa keep your pants on Ryan I didn’t say I would run away, I just brought the subject up.”

He was still unhappy. But he needs to get it through that intelligent brain of his to see that I am not one to take drastic measures. Staying outside the rest of my life and just sheltering in school, the library etc will do me fine, plus running away means I wouldn’t have him. Saying that, you can’t lose what you never had.

“Talk about another subject then; you kissed me earlier,” Ryan said quietly, “I liked it.”

Right then, didn’t expect that. He liked it, I liked it, ok this is weird, weirder than my fear of being at home. Instead of confessing that I liked it as well, I stayed silent and let it eat us both up for the next few minutes. Ryan looked uncomfortable, my best-friend instinct told me to wrap my arms around him, but I still didn’t.

“I care about you more than I should.”

“Oh dear God. Ryan that isn’t exactly news.” I have this ability to sound like a bitch; unfortunately it is out beyond my small amount of control.

He reached over and patted me on the shoulder, why I really don’t know. Even though I couldn’t see myself, he looked a hell of a lot worse than I think I did. I’ve warned him about worry lines, he’s going to get them and it’ll be my entire fault, even my mum is showing signs of the stress I put her under.

“I love you, y’know that, right.”

He turned to face me, big eyes gleaming, “If you loved me then you would let me help you. And I love you too.”

“And if you loved me then you would know that I’m far too much of a stubborn bitch to ask for help.” I told him, he nodded.

“Don’t ask then, at least cooperate with me.”

I grumped and whined for a minute, I was beaten. I never thought I’d finish this conversation a winner, it just doesn’t happen, I have the luck of a deer on a motorway. Not intentionally I hope but there was a smug look on Ryan’s face, he knew I would agree, screw him and his smugness.

“Fine. But can it be you that takes me to the insane asylum?” I asked.

“I didn’t mean that sort of help, but therapy might be a good idea.”

“But that cost’s so much, I’d rather waste that money on a trip to Dumbarton.” I whined again.

“First if they think you really need help it wont cost as much. Secondly you’re a child so that will also help and finally, why the fuck would you go to Dumbarton?”

“Men and a first-class chip shop.”

“The insane asylum is still an option,” Ryan threatened me.

“Don’t even threaten me with that one; I’m much to pretty to be put in an asylum.” I joked, playfully fixing my hair.