Status: Let me know if you think I ought to write more things like this.
Cleverly Victimized
Beautiful Deception
I guess this would be what they call heartbreak. I haven't ever been so fucking crushed in my whole life. My breathing's shallow, I wish my breathing would stop all together. I'm sick of living. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of being hurt by him.
I was more sure about Brian Elwin Haner Junior than I had been about anything or anyone in my entire life. The two of us being in love, no one expected that, hell we hadn't really expected it. Not a lot of people had even known about it. Brian liked to keep me as a dirty little secret.
He apparently kept more dirty little secrets than only me.
Every single day for the last eight months, Brian told me, I was all he wanted in life. I was all that he'd wanted for a long time. He promised I was his only one. He fucking lied. I keep trying to fool myself into thinking I'm not miserable without him. It's more than obvious that I am. Even my friends won't come around me now.
He cost me my fucking friends. Our friends.
I've known for a while that I'm better off without him. That's not even a question anymore. I would be even better if I would have never met Brian Haner Junior. I sure the fuck wouldn't be lying here awake at night trying to rip my own heart out of my chest. I sure the fuck wouldn't be alone in this world now, would I?
I can't believe I believed a word out of his mouth. I guess that's why they say, you can't spell believe without the lie. Absolute fucking bullshit. I don't have any fucking tears left to cry! I have been crying my eyes out for weeks on end! The tears, they aren't coming anymore!
Brian gave me some of the best memories of my entire life. I hadn't ever felt so fucking complete until he came along. I hadn't ever been so happy. I hadn't ever felt like I belonged somewhere before, until I fit so perfect with him. Lies.
The good times don't even outweigh all the bad ones now. I think I've even gone so far as to forget all the good memories we had. I should forget. I want to forget. I want to disappear. I want to die.
It'd be different if Brian would have been honest with me from the start. If he could have told me, 'I'm going to pretend I love you for the next eight months and then I'm going to go back to her and break your heart in the process,' and actually prepared me for this, I would MAYBE fucking be a little less hurt.
But no, he didn't do that.
No, that arrogant fucking smug son of a bitch did one even worse. The lowest blow to a fucking human being you can ever hand out. I walked up to his door, finding the locks had been changed. That freaked me out quite a lot.
I knocked on the door and when he answered, he nonchalantly told me he was back with her, that the last eight month had just been a charade and that he'll never love anyone (including me) as much as he fucking loves her.
Now, I don't even leave my house for fear I'm going to run into him... into him with her. I can't bare it. I can't bare to see him with the woman that has hurt him more than any human being ever has. She's hurt him ever bit as badly as I'm hurting now. Maybe even more.
I use to feel sorry for him. I use to tell him I'd never do that to him. I was telling the honest truth. I never could have done that to Brian Haner. But now... I look back on that and laugh. He fucking deserved it.
He fucking deserves every shred of heartbreak and tragedy he gets. I gave him more than I even had to give. And he fucking took it all. He tore every piece of my heart. He tore every remaining piece of my sanity.
What hurts the most? Is that I fucking believed him. He made me out to be a fucking fool. All those days we walked up and down PCH, hands laced together, laughing, smiling...fucking slap me now. It was all a fucking brilliant lie. How could I have been so cleverly deceived?
Brian Haner still is the most handsome, smartest, and without doubt: the best actor in the entire world. But at the same time; he's the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I truly loved him. I could have made him happier than she ever can. She can try, but she'll never be me.
He may look at her and tell her he loves her. But he'll never look at her the way he looked at me. He'll never say the words I love you with as much feeling to her, as he did with me.
How the fuck can he live with this? I was his best friend. How can he live with hurting me like this? When I pass him walking on the street, he doesn't even look my way. Mind you, I've seen him only twice out and about since the break up occurred. I don't like leaving. I don't like running into him.
If he's pretending to not hurt... give him a fucking Grammy. I don't think he is. I don't know what I know anymore. I don't know if him loving me was the lie. Or if him loving her is the lie.
A mutual friend of ours came over today. Told me that Brian misses me. The old me. Before all this happened. The me I use to be when I kept my feelings for him a secret. The days when we were just all a big group of friends and nothing more.
Why does he give a fuck, is what I asked our mutual friend. I shook my head and ushered him out the door. I wasn't going to listen to it. Brian didn't care, no, Brian didn't miss me. He just thought that if I heard something like that, even if it wasn't from him, out of his own mouth, that I would come running back. That I would be the same person I was before we fell in love.
I was irrevocably in love with him.
No. I'll get over this. I'll get over this even if it kills me. It may take another day, another week, another month, another year. But I'll get over Brian Haner. And before it's over, I'll sleep better than he's sleeping right now.
One day, he's going to wake up in the middle of the night, next to her... wishing she was me. Clutching at his heart, karma coming back around to him. He'll feel every shred of pain he ever caused me, sevenfold.
I've made up my mind to never fall in love again. Not with someone so confused, never again with someone like him.
I just wish I would have realized all of this a long time before I finally had.
I was more sure about Brian Elwin Haner Junior than I had been about anything or anyone in my entire life. The two of us being in love, no one expected that, hell we hadn't really expected it. Not a lot of people had even known about it. Brian liked to keep me as a dirty little secret.
He apparently kept more dirty little secrets than only me.
Every single day for the last eight months, Brian told me, I was all he wanted in life. I was all that he'd wanted for a long time. He promised I was his only one. He fucking lied. I keep trying to fool myself into thinking I'm not miserable without him. It's more than obvious that I am. Even my friends won't come around me now.
He cost me my fucking friends. Our friends.
I've known for a while that I'm better off without him. That's not even a question anymore. I would be even better if I would have never met Brian Haner Junior. I sure the fuck wouldn't be lying here awake at night trying to rip my own heart out of my chest. I sure the fuck wouldn't be alone in this world now, would I?
I can't believe I believed a word out of his mouth. I guess that's why they say, you can't spell believe without the lie. Absolute fucking bullshit. I don't have any fucking tears left to cry! I have been crying my eyes out for weeks on end! The tears, they aren't coming anymore!
Brian gave me some of the best memories of my entire life. I hadn't ever felt so fucking complete until he came along. I hadn't ever been so happy. I hadn't ever felt like I belonged somewhere before, until I fit so perfect with him. Lies.
The good times don't even outweigh all the bad ones now. I think I've even gone so far as to forget all the good memories we had. I should forget. I want to forget. I want to disappear. I want to die.
It'd be different if Brian would have been honest with me from the start. If he could have told me, 'I'm going to pretend I love you for the next eight months and then I'm going to go back to her and break your heart in the process,' and actually prepared me for this, I would MAYBE fucking be a little less hurt.
But no, he didn't do that.
No, that arrogant fucking smug son of a bitch did one even worse. The lowest blow to a fucking human being you can ever hand out. I walked up to his door, finding the locks had been changed. That freaked me out quite a lot.
I knocked on the door and when he answered, he nonchalantly told me he was back with her, that the last eight month had just been a charade and that he'll never love anyone (including me) as much as he fucking loves her.
Now, I don't even leave my house for fear I'm going to run into him... into him with her. I can't bare it. I can't bare to see him with the woman that has hurt him more than any human being ever has. She's hurt him ever bit as badly as I'm hurting now. Maybe even more.
I use to feel sorry for him. I use to tell him I'd never do that to him. I was telling the honest truth. I never could have done that to Brian Haner. But now... I look back on that and laugh. He fucking deserved it.
He fucking deserves every shred of heartbreak and tragedy he gets. I gave him more than I even had to give. And he fucking took it all. He tore every piece of my heart. He tore every remaining piece of my sanity.
What hurts the most? Is that I fucking believed him. He made me out to be a fucking fool. All those days we walked up and down PCH, hands laced together, laughing, smiling...fucking slap me now. It was all a fucking brilliant lie. How could I have been so cleverly deceived?
Brian Haner still is the most handsome, smartest, and without doubt: the best actor in the entire world. But at the same time; he's the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I truly loved him. I could have made him happier than she ever can. She can try, but she'll never be me.
He may look at her and tell her he loves her. But he'll never look at her the way he looked at me. He'll never say the words I love you with as much feeling to her, as he did with me.
How the fuck can he live with this? I was his best friend. How can he live with hurting me like this? When I pass him walking on the street, he doesn't even look my way. Mind you, I've seen him only twice out and about since the break up occurred. I don't like leaving. I don't like running into him.
If he's pretending to not hurt... give him a fucking Grammy. I don't think he is. I don't know what I know anymore. I don't know if him loving me was the lie. Or if him loving her is the lie.
A mutual friend of ours came over today. Told me that Brian misses me. The old me. Before all this happened. The me I use to be when I kept my feelings for him a secret. The days when we were just all a big group of friends and nothing more.
Why does he give a fuck, is what I asked our mutual friend. I shook my head and ushered him out the door. I wasn't going to listen to it. Brian didn't care, no, Brian didn't miss me. He just thought that if I heard something like that, even if it wasn't from him, out of his own mouth, that I would come running back. That I would be the same person I was before we fell in love.
I was irrevocably in love with him.
No. I'll get over this. I'll get over this even if it kills me. It may take another day, another week, another month, another year. But I'll get over Brian Haner. And before it's over, I'll sleep better than he's sleeping right now.
One day, he's going to wake up in the middle of the night, next to her... wishing she was me. Clutching at his heart, karma coming back around to him. He'll feel every shred of pain he ever caused me, sevenfold.
I've made up my mind to never fall in love again. Not with someone so confused, never again with someone like him.
I just wish I would have realized all of this a long time before I finally had.
♠ ♠ ♠
Who do you think wrote this to Synyster Gates? I know who did. But do you know?Word Count: 1,178
Revised on September 13th, 2013.