The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall behind one of the building at my middle school. There was blood on my shirt, and I knew my face was all bloody. I saw Tammy run around the building corner on my left, and I turned my head in the opposite direction, so she wouldn’t see the blood coming out of my cut right eyebrow.

“Marie! What the hell is wrong! One of the guys told me you just let the group beat you up.” She yelled.

“Just shut up.” I grumbled, and she stopped talking. Then, she kneeled down.

“Marie, what’s wrong?” she mumbled.

“I’m done.”

“What?” she looked at me confused.

“I’m done fighting. I told the group. Then, they said for me to leave, they each got to hit me once.” I smirked. I couldn’t believe I had actually been a part of them. I’d even done it before, punched someone for trying to leave. I was such a stupid 12 year old. What was I doing? It’s because I acted like this that she…never mind.

“Then why did they hit you more than once. You wouldn’t be this beaten by just the 5 of them hitting you once!”

“Because…I took your beating as well.” I said, not looking at her.

“What?”

“Yep, they each got to hit me an extra 2 times, since they said it was more costly, cus I took your place.” I glanced at her, and she had tears in her eyes, but she was smiling. “I wanted to make it up to her, but it still hurts. It hurts so much. I can’t do this. I can’t go on like this.” I kept my head to the right, and looked at the cornor of the building. Why was I still alive. I couldn’t go on like this. I just couldn’t. Yet I still knew that there were no tears in my eyes. There were never any tears in my eyes. She was gone. She had disappeared right before me 2 days ago, and I was just sitting here.

Tammy grabbed me in a tight hug. “I will be whatever you need me to be. Remember that, Marie. Please, remember that. Please.” She was crying. It was so easy for her. I could feel drops of water on my shoulder. And there I sat, feeling empty, letting Tammy shed the tears that I couldn’t, but it still didn’t help me. It still hurt…

I woke up, shivering. I was still outside. I tried to swallow, and I realized that my throat was really sore, which wasn’t surprising since I’d slept out in the cold. I got up and brushed myself off. I knocked on the door, and thankfully, it opened. It was Mother.

“Hurry up and get dressed. It’s time for school. Hopefully, you’ll watch what you say today.”

“Yes, I’m sorry.” I croaked out. My throat hurt so much, at least I wasn’t very talkative. As I got dressed and went to school, I continued to think about my dream, well, it was an old memory. The memory was a bit hard to remember, and it felt like the more I tried to think of it, the quicker it slipped away…one thing was for sure, I had forgotten something. I was sure. But, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to remember. I could still feel the empty feeling I had felt. I grabbed my chest as I thought of it once more. It felt like I was disappearing, like the only thing holding me there was the hand gripping my chest. It was worse than anything I’d ever felt…I decided to drop the topic. I couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t time. I wouldn’t pry open something I had shut so tightly myself.

I was really early to school, since my appointment with the counselor was really early. I went to the counseling offices, and found the office of my new counselor…only for today. I knocked on the door, and someone replied, with a come in. I walked in and took a seat, since he asked me to.

“I’m Mr. Hotch. It’s very nice to meet you Marie.” I sat there quietly, and nodded. “So, why don’t you tell me about yourself.” He smiled.

“Well, I’m 17 years old. I have lived here since I was about 5…” I stopped, knowing what he wanted me to say, but being resistant to say it.

“What about at home?” he still smiled, as he wrote some things down.

“Um, I live with my parents…well, actually they are my uncle and my aunt, and my little cousin. They…they adopted me when I was small, when my parents died. I don’t remember much because about 5 years ago, I was hit by a car. I lost most of memory at that time. I’m still living with my uncle and aunt, and I still don’t know how or why the accident happened.”

He looked at me surprised. “I see...” He smiled.

“Yes.” I sighed. “It’s all I remember…am I done here?” I asked. I didn’t like talking to people about things like this, I usually didn’t have to.

“Well, you haven’t remembered anything else?” he looked at me carefully.

“Well, I remember some bits and pieces…like I remember I used to fight a lot, and I remember quitting, but not much else. I also remember Tammy being with me since I was really little, though I don’t remember the exact age we met at or anything…” I muttered.

“Well, just don’t push yourself too hard.” He said a bit warily.

“People are always saying that, like I’m going to remember something awful, or something like that…” I sighed.

He let out a laugh, but it sounded a bit shaky…just a little bit…I wonder why? “Do you want to talk about anything else?” When I shook my head, he spoke again. “Well then, just remember that you can talk to me anytime you need to.” He smiled.

“Yep.” I stood up. “Thank you.” I mumbled, and shook his hand. I then went to the door. I went to Tammy’s locker immediately. I had to talk to her before Jaden did. I didn’t want him to doubt anything about yesterday. It wasn’t something he needed to know. As I approached her locker, I saw her closing it, as she turned to my direction, she saw me.

“Mar-Mar!” she smiled and ran to me. “What’cha doin’ here so early?”

“Counselor appointment…Listen, if Jaden asks, I slept at your house last night…”

“Wait…were you kicked out again last night?” she looked worried, as she touched my cheek, but I quickly knocked it off. I didn’t like it when people touched me, especially without asking me. Even though I’ve known Tammy forever, I still didn’t like when she randomly touched me. “Marie, you’re burning up. It was really cold last night. Why didn’t you just come to my house? You know I would have let you stay.”

“I’m fine…” I muttered, and I knew she was hurt by what I had said, so I changed the subject. “I heard you talked to Jaden yesterday…”

“Uh, yeah.” She said nervously…She was hiding something; she’d never been good at doing things like that.

“What did you tell him.” I sighed. There was no point in being angry, she didn’t mean any harm, no matter what she told him.

“W-well, I told him about your family, and how your parents passed away when you were small, and your aunt and uncle adopted you…” she smiled nervously. Of course she had told him everything.

“Is that all?” I asked.

“u-uh, I may have mentioned your accident as well…” she laughed nervously.

I looked at her carefully. She didn’t mean any harm. She didn’t mean any harm; I kept trying to convince myself. My head was aching, making it much harder to think straight. Maybe Tammy had been right about me being sick… “It’s fine…don’t worry yourself about it.” I sighed rubbing my head.

“Marie.” I heard someone say behind me. It was Jaden. “Tammy, nice to see you again. Marie, where were you yesterday?” he asked me.

“She was with me…we, uhh, had a bit of a sleepover.” She smiled…she was getting nervous. I had to say something, or she would probably end up telling him it was a lie.

“Yes…I go to Tammy’s house every now and then.” I mumbled, not looking at him…just in case it gave anything away.

I heard him chuckle. “I didn’t hear anything about it." he whispered in my ear. I moved back, having not expected him to be so close. My head ached much more than before. I couldn’t deal with this right now…

“I don’t have to tell you anything.” I muttered, looking at him. “You aren’t anything to me.”

“Marie…” I heard Tammy say. I knew what she meant…I had been a bit harsh…It wasn’t his fault that I was not feeling well.. “Jaden…don’t take it personally…she’s not feeling well…”

“No, never mind. I don’t care.” I heard him say, and he began to walk away. I had to apologize. What I had said was wrong. As I looked up, I could see him walking away. I put my hand out. I had to stop him, so I could say sorry. But, my vision began to blur. I tried to hold on. I tried to call after him, but it only got dimmer and dimmer. I felt myself falling, and I heard Tammy shouting my name. But it went black, and I couldn’t hear anything anymore…it was silent…