The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

“Dear, we probably can’t make it to your performance today, but I promise we’ll make it up to you my love.” Mom said, her soft and feathery voice filling the air, as she rubbed the tears from my cheeks with her thumbs. I was still sniffling, but the tears had mostly stopped flowing. I looked at Mom, as she looked at my face. She was bending down, so that we were eye to eye. She looked as beautiful as always, with her long blonde hair surrounding her face. She was wearing a black dress that made her emerald green eyes stand out even more. I was always jealous of Mom’s pretty hair. My hair was a dirty blonde, so it didn’t look nearly as beautiful as hers.

“But I can’t play the guitar in front of so many people if Mom and Dad aren’t there!” I said, looking her with a straight face, remaining persistent.

Mom let out a musical laugh. “My love, you will be just fine. I’m so sorry, but I don’t think it will be possible for us to make it.”

“No. You have to come! I won’t forgive you!” I yelled at her. She looked at me, a smile still on her face, and her eyes filled with nothing but love. She tried to touch my cheek with the back of her hand, but I moved away, still glaring at her.

“My love…I know how you feel…” she smiled. Then, I saw Dad approach from behind Mom, and place his hand on her shoulder. She looked up and smiled as she stood, but it wasn’t like the smile she gave me. It was a smile she only gave Dad. It was the proof of how much she loved him. As she looked at him, he looked at her with the same look, a look he too only gave her. I had asked Mom about this, and she always told me that one day, I too would find someone who made me smile a smile that I had never smiled before. One that made my eyes twinkle, and made me look 100 times more beautiful than usual, even if he was the only one who could see it. And, she told me, he would smile a smile that would belong only to me. When I looked at Mom and Dad like this, it made them look so much younger, as if they were back in high school, seeing each other for the first time. It was a beautiful moment, which always made me feel embarrassed. I felt like I was looking in on something so personal between them. Something only they were supposed to share.

“Marie, darling, why are you so upset?” Dad said, after he finally took his eyes off Mom. Dad was taller than Mom, and he had light brown hair, which he told us was a bright blonde when he was little.

“No, hun, it’s not her fault. We told her we would go to her performance, but I forgot that we have to go to the company lunch party.” She said, as she looked up at him. Dad had his arm around her hip, as Mom hugged him. I walked up to Dad and pulled on his tie.

“Dad! You promised too! You told me you would go! Are you going to break your promise!”

“My Darling, I promise your Mom and I will make it up to you.”

“No! I hate both of you!” I shouted, and then I walked out of the room to my room, and knelt by the vent in my room. I could still hear Mom and Dad talking, through the vent.

“She always was the stubborn one.” I could her Mom laugh, but I knew she was probably laughing to reassure Dad.

“Yes, she’s always been excellent at making me feel awful. I always told you I would never be a good father. Kids hate me. My own daughter hates me!” I heard Dad say, I sensed he was joking, but I could tell it wasn’t completely a joke.

“You are a wonderful father. And she adores you!”

“Really?

“Mmhmm.”

“You sure.”

“I am.” Mom giggled.

“Hmm…the only thing that could make me sure is a…kiss from a beautiful loving woman.” Dad chuckled.

“Charles!” Mom said with mock anger.

“Rebecca.” Dad chuckled. They both began laughing, and I knew they had kissed. At least they didn’t do that in front of me…

“How about we leave the party early, and hopefully we make it in time.” Mom said, and a smile began to play on my lips. I always loved Mom’s thinking.

“Just what I was thinking. Now, we better get to the dinner party tonight as well, so leaving tomorrow won’t look too bad.” Dad mused.

“I agree. Let’s say goodnight now, then. Is Louise coming over?” I heard mom ask. As soon as she did, the bell rang. It was Louise, our babysitter. “Louise, make yourself comfortable. You are right on time.” Mom said. “We’ll go say goodnight and head out.” I heard this and ran to my bed. Quickly I wrapped the blanket around me, and slowed my breathing. Mom and Dad walked in. I felt Mom kiss my forehead. “Goodnight, Baby, sleep tight.” She said, moving my hair out of my face.

Then, I felt dad kiss my forehead as well. “Goodnight Darling, sleep tight.” I could her Mom whispering behind him like always, saying a prayer, the same prayer she always said, that i no longer could sleep without hearing.

“Keep my baby safe Lord, protect her through the night,
Let her sleep with peace, until once more there’s light,
Let angels always guide her so only happiness she’ll see,
Keep her in your loving arms, please hear my tender plea.”

As they were about to leave, I began mumbling. “I…might forgive you, if you come tomorrow…” I said, loud enough for them to hear. I could hear them chuckle as silently as they could.

“We know, love, we know.” I heard Mom whisper as she slowly closed the door. I closed my eyes, still smiling. I loved Mom and Dad….Of course I would tell them that only when they showed up tomorrow at my performance…I could practically see what would happen. I saw their eyes light up, especially Dad’s. Then they would hug me, and Mom would laugh, her musical laugh, and tell Dad how she was right, how she had told him that he was worrying about nothing. They would tell me how great I had been and how they were so lucky to have been there to see my performance. I fell asleep, still picturing us smiling happily together…

I looked up at the blue sky silently…I always remembered Mom and Dad more around this time…I sighed, as I watched a cloud, slowly move. I didn’t do anything but sit there. Looking up, as if something would suddenly change... but I wasn’t sure how.

“Marie! There you are!” I heard Tammy say. “I said I was only going to talk to Haley for a second, but you left!” She said, sitting down next to me. I didn’t respond to what she said, since I felt a bit quieter than usual. “Are you okay, Marie? You always get a bit…Tomorrow’s the day…” she mumbled.

“I’m fine.” I mumbled, as the bell rang, and lunch finally came to end. I got up and continued thinking about how I used to be. I couldn’t smile like I used to. Even when I tried, it felt wrong. It didn’t feel real like it used to…it had been so long since that, hadn’t it? I wasn’t sure when it went away. Something told me that it hadn’t left with my parents…I think there was something else… As I sat in class, I continued pondering this, though I couldn’t really find anything. I felt Tammy glancing at me constantly with a look of worry, but I ignored her.

Instead I looked at my hands. I had quite a few blisters from work I had been doing around the house. However, I knew that wasn’t the only thing…I had been making a dollhouse for Candy, since summer break, when she told me that she wanted a dollhouse for Christmas from me. I had never made something out of wood, so I spent a lot of the summer watching the woodshop club members work. I had already finished making it, and with Christmas in about a month, I only had to finish painting it and the wooden furniture. Some of the furniture, though, was sewn together and then stuffed, like the couches and beds. Working with wood had led to more cuts and blisters than I had been expecting, but it was worth it. I knew she would be so happy. The doll house and other items were sitting in the abandoned shed in our backyard, since I knew no one would go there. But, all I could think about was the look Mother gave me when Candy said she wanted something from me. I can’t really remember any time Candy has done something like that, and the look Mother gave me told me she didn’t like it.

“Marie,” the teacher called on me, and I quickly looked up, “why don’t you come up here and answer this question.” I went up and solved the math problem easily. School had never been difficult for me, everything just came to me. I could tell the teacher was a bit upset that I got the right answer, since i knew the point of making me come up and write out the answer was an attempt to embarrass me. I went back once the teacher allowed me to, and I was left alone for the rest of class, except for the periodic glances from Tammy. I know what she meant. Tomorrow was the day. The day that I couldn’t help dreading. Most people would say that that was normal, but that didn’t change anything. It was the one day that I wasn’t the girl who couldn’t feel. It was the one day that I felt an aching, an aching I can’t control. It makes me feel sore, and I don’t know what to do. On that day, I feel truly lost, and I realized how lost I truly was…

We went to the last class of the day, in which the English teacher asked us to write about our most valued possession. It had to be an item, not a person, and she wanted us to focus not on everyday things that are necessary.

“Think of things like your game console, or your phone. But remember, you must also describe why it’s your most valued possession. You have 5 minutes to write about this, and it will be graded.”

“Can we name more than one item? It’s hard to narrow it down to just one!” one of the guys begged. And everyone laughed and nodded in agreement. They all had more than one possession that they truly valued? What did I have that I valued? I had a bed, and a home, and clothes…but what else? I continued thinking as the teacher told everyone they could only write about one thing. What did I have? What was my most prized possession? What item was mine and mine alone and very important to me?

As the teacher said to start, I found my item. The only thing I valued, the only item I felt I truly loved. I wrote about the dollhouse. The one I was making. An item that I made myself without any help. As I wrote, though, I began thinking of what I valued. I valued my family and Tammy and Jaden. But, who did I value most before Candy and after my parents? Didn’t I have someone? Why did I get a feeling that there was someone who was important, who everyone was pretending didn’t exist? Maybe it was just me. I was being paranoid. I threw the thought away and finished writing, and when the bell rang, it was time to go home.

I walked home alone since Tammy had to go to a dentist appointment and Jaden went straight to work…Not that I wanted to walk home with him. However, I stayed at school till the sky darkened. I also went to the art room, and borrowed some paints from Ms. Zagel to paint the dollhouse. She spent some time lecturing me about how I should consider taking art next semester, but I refused. I wasn’t afraid as I walked home in the dark. The darkness never really frightened me. It made me feel as if I could disappear, right here in the darkness, and no one would realize. I silently walked up to the house, and I realized the living room light was on, which faced the road. I walked a little bit up the driveway, and I could easily see the figure of Mother and Father. I snuck up close to the window, not really sure of what I was doing. The window was slightly open, so I could not only see them, but hear them as well. Father was hugging Mother, and Mother was crying.

“How could they be gone? Why did they leave us?” Mother sobbed.

“Glen, there’s nothing we can do. They are gone. All of them are gone.” Father responded, his voice shook a bit. “Come on, we’ll go to see them tomorrow…”

I stopped listening and took a few steps back. They were talking about Mom and Dad. I felt myself taking more and more steps, slowly getting farther and farther away, from the pain and the tears. They were hurting. And, it was me, wasn’t it. This was my fault. My fault that everyone was hurting. My stubbornness, my silly anger, my happiness, that was the reason they lost their lives. I didn’t have the right to mesh my pain with theirs, to share it with them. I had already reached the side walk, with my eyes still focused on the window, on Mother and Father hugging. I had to leave. As I was about to turn, I saw Candy’s window. I hated leaving her alone for the night. So, I stopped. I wanted her to be safe, for the night, while I wasn’t there to protect her. I locked my hands together, just like mother used to do, and then I closed my eyes. Then, I said the only prayer I knew, the only one that had ever been for me. The only one that helped me sleep, as I imagined Mom saying it to me. With a shaky voice, though I didn’t know why my voice was like that, I whispered the prayer. “ Keep…Keep my… sister safe… Lord, protect her through the night; Let her sleep with peace, until once more there’s light; Let angels always guide her so only happiness she’ll see; Keep her in your loving arms, please hear my tender plea.”

I opened my eyes and looked at her window once more. “Don’t let anything happen to her.” I mumbled. And then I was gone.