The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

“Marie…” Jaden said. I hadn’t responded to him. I looked up when I heard him stand up. His blue eyes were filled with warmth, and a sympathetic smile played on his lips. “I understand.” He said, offering me his hand. I just stared at it, without moving an inch. After a few moments, he spoke again. “You just went through a lot… if you don’t want to go home, then we won’t go home.” I looked up at him once more. There he stood, with my recently purchased blanket in his right arm and my backpack on his back. His left hand was still in front of me, waiting for my hand. He wouldn’t take me home. I knew it. The night was still young, and I could leave after he went home. I would make some excuse. It would be nice to have some company before my departure. Yet, something prevented me from grabbing his hand. I stood up, on my own, and looked away from him, so I wouldn’t have to see the expression on his face. We walked out of the small restaurant, and a huge gust of wind hit me, leaving me numb of all feelings. I couldn’t help shivering a bit, since the sudden change in temperature really shook me. Jaden realized, and without saying a word, he opened the plastic wrap covering the blanket and wrapped it around me. The blanket wasn’t amazingly warm, but I did feel a little better. I didn’t pay attention to where we were walking, I just kept going. Then, I noticed Jaden was saying something. “So…where do you want to go?” he asked me. I looked around to get a sense of where we were, and I realized we had reached the shopping center that was about 10 minutes from home…we must have been walking silently for quite some time, and Jaden had not made a sound the whole time. He had let me think in silence…It was nice of him…Suddenly, I knew where we should go. I knew a place that would be an excellent ‘thank you’ for all that he had done for me.

“I will show you the Hidden Park.” I looked at him, to gauge his response, hiding the fact that other than my room, this was the only place I had. He looked at me, shocked for a moment, and then he smiled, looking at his feet.

“Ok.” He said, looking back at me. Then he let out a relieved sigh. “I’m happy you’re alright… Lead the way.”

He followed me as we walked to the edge of the 145 acre “forest”. It had previously been a golf course, but after it went out of business, the lot had been left empty. It had been empty for 40 to 50 years now, so it really looked like a little forest. Most people walked right by this and never realized what was hidden inside. Jaden looked a bit confused. “In there?” he asked, and I nodded and walked between the trees. Jaden followed and after a few minutes we reached an opening in all the trees and bushes, revealing Hidden Park. It belonged to me, Tammy, and…I mean, it belonged to me and Tammy. There was a small treehouse to the left, from which hung a sign with poorly scrawled lettering that spelled Hidden Park. There was a sturdy swing set, and a huge play set, which Tammy and I saved money as kids to buy. Even in the night, the place seemed to have its own glow. The moon lit up everything as well, so it was quite visible.

“This…” I said quietly, not wanting to break the simple beauty of this place, “is the Hidden Park.”

“Wow…I wouldn’t have expected this to be here.” He muttered. He took a step forward, and I followed. Crickets were chirping in the distance, making my ears feel as if they were ringing with that sound. We climbed to the highest part of the play set and sat down, right next to the giant swirling slide. I looked up at the sky. I loved looking at the stars from here. Everything about this place made me feel like it was my own little world. A place where only good things happened. A place where nothing changed. Where nobody died. Where I wanted to stay forever. To stay with the small treehouse and the creaking swings. Because, it was here that I knew that everything was safe. Nothing could touch me here. I had already locked away my feelings, now I would lock myself in this opening. I would never leave it. Even when I ran miles away, I would still be here, sitting on the playset, looking up at the stars, mystified by their beauty.

“This place is nice, Marie.” Jaden smiled, as he looked up at the sky as well. I had a tendency to forget the things around me when I began thinking.

“Can i…ask you something?” I muttered.

“Of course, but I get to ask you something as well.” He smirked. It took me a moment before I nodded, unsure of what he would ask me, and afraid to really find out…but I wanted to talk…it was such an odd feeling.

“How long are you staying?” I glanced at him, he still had a smile on his face, but it felt like he was just trying to hide something. It looked as if he had plastered the smile on his face.

“Actually…I will probably leave before the school year is over…” he said, and his smile fell from his face for just a second. I saw it. Then, he looked at me and smiled widely. “My turn.” I waited for his question, unsure of what he wanted to ask. What was he curious about? What could he possibly want to know? Finally, he said, “What’s your favorite flower?”

I looked over at him. That was what he wanted to ask…I considered his question, but I knew I didn’t have one. I had never even thought about something like that before. I knew he was waiting for my response, but no flower came to mind. I decided to give up on trying to think of a flower that I honestly didn’t like, and I told him the truth. “…I don’t have one… I never considered it…” I mumbled.

Jaden laughed. It seemed so easy. So simple. Like such a natural thing. Yet I couldn't do it. It didn't come to me as easily as it came to him. I didn't feel anything like that. I tried to ignore it and focused on what he was saying. "Well, then, what do you want to talk about?"

I just stared at him. What did I want to talk about? How should i know? It had been so long since I had tried to hold a conversation. I usually stayed away from people. I know I used to talk to people, but even then, it was never about me...what did I want to talk about? I felt…abnormal. Normal people would know what to say right? Was that the problem? Was I abnormal? It had never hit me before. I guess it should have, but it didn’t. I thought I was different, but not weird. But, I was, wasn’t I? Didn’t some of Tammy’s friends give me that look, like I was gross? But I wasn’t…right?

What was I doing? I shook my head. I was having weird thoughts recently. This was abnormal. Jaden must have thought I was shaking my head at what he said, so he just smiled and said, “Ok, then, we don’t have to talk.”

I wanted to say something, as he looked up at the stars. I wanted to ask him about himself, about Kelly, and what he thought about her. Or, even just about his friends. This was my chance. In this hidden place, I could ask him anything. There was no distractions…nothing to stop me. And, just as I made a sound, about to speak; just as he turned toward me; it rained. It began pouring so suddenly, that in a few seconds we were drenched.

“Ahh shi-.” Jaden began to say, getting up. Let’s go!” he said, and I followed him down the steps. “Uh..where should we-”

“The treehouse.” I said, pointing at it. Drenched, we climbed up the steps and went into the treehouse. It was empty, and wasn’t that big, but it had a roof and it was dry inside. I remembered when we used to hide in here all the time. When this empty place was filled with cereal bars and nuts and toys. It was a little paradise. Now, though, there was nothing here. I still slept here quite often. Just like today…I had planned to stay here for the night, but I hadn’t expected my plans to change, and then they changed again. So, here I was, planning to run away, but stuck with Jaden in the pouring rain. I took off the blanket that was completely drenched. However, it had kept me from getting wet.

“Damn it…” Jaden muttered, I turned to look at him, and realized he had not been wearing a jacket, and his shirt was soaking. He was already pulling it off when I turned to look at him. Quickly, I turned back around, with a really quiet gasp. “Oh, uhh, sorry, my shirt is too wet.”

“..I-It’s fine.” I mumbled. It made sense. He would get sick otherwise. I felt a bit guilty for having not shared the blanket with him, he wouldn’t have been so wet if I had. I sat down against a wall, and closed my eyes. I could hear his soft footsteps as he moved toward me and sat down next to me.

“This is a nice place that you have to yourself.” He said over the rhythmic pattering of the rain.

I opened my eyes. “It’s yours too now…as long as you use it wisely.” He chuckled.

“Ok, I got it.” He smiled. “Thanks.”

“It’s fine…” it was quiet once more. Suddenly, I blurted something out. Once again I didn't even think about it. “I sleep here sometimes…” I whispered. I prayed he hadn’t heard me. I didn’t even know why I said it. Sadly, he had heard me.

“What? Why would you sleep here?”

“When… I don’t…feel like going…home…” Or when I get kicked out of the house, I thought to myself. He didn’t need to know. It wasn’t his job to care for me.

“Mmm…” he mumbled. “Yeah, I know how that feels…” he just said. And he leaned his head on the wall and closed his eyes. “You’re lucky to have such a nice place to go…” was that what I was? Lucky? Really? I was a lucky person? Hah. Maybe that’s what it was. Maybe, I had used up all my luckiness as a kid. Finding a place like this, making a lasting friend. Now, my luck well was dry. At least I still had a family. But, today, right now, it wasn’t enough. I had never felt that before, and I was worried this urge was disappearing. A part of me that had finally showed up was going away. And I knew if I didn’t run away now, it would become weak. If I didn’t go, it would disappear. This feeling made me a bit restless, and I could feel it was fighting to stay, to live. I looked out the small window, and looked at the cloudy sky. This wasn’t the weather to go out in. I would have to wait…I would have to wait here with Jaden. I tried not to think about the fact that he was wearing a shirt. I couldn’t help the odd feeling of…embarrassment?...that I was getting.

We sat there silently, listening to the rain. Every now and then he would ask me if I was cold, and I told him I was fine. I was more worried about him being cold. I had closed my eyes, and i only opened them again, when I heard some shuffling. I looked and saw Jaden putting his shirt back on.

“It’s good enough.” He sighed. He had squeezed the shirt dry as much as he could, but it was obviously still wet. “Oh. You’re awake.” He smiled, just realizing that I had woken up. “The rain stopped.” He said, looking out the window. I looked as well, and just like he said, rain was no longer falling. “It’s about 1 already, so we should probably go before the rain starts again…”

He was right…but I wasn’t going home. Suddenly, it felt a bit less convincing as I said it to myself. I felt a bit panicky. I was losing my resolve, and I felt like I was being chained once more. The feelings were being sealed once more. I didn’t want it. “Let’s go.” Jaden smiled at me, and put his hand out. Every part of me screamed to not take his hand. The feeling that had made me restless screamed for me not to touch him. It wanted me to move away. It was begging me to.

Jaden looked at me, confused as to why I wasn’t moving. He didn’t know. He didn’t know what he was asking me to give up. He didn’t know any of it. He had no right to judge me or stop me. I was the only one with that right. He didn’t know me. He couldn’t do anything about what I decided to do. He could try, but it would have no effect…right? No. It wouldn’t. I wouldn’t weaken. The feeling in me still wanted to live. It smiled as I became certain. I had to run away.

“Come on, Marie, let’s go home. Together.” He said. Together? He had said together. Suddenly, I heard the wailing of the feeling in me as it weakened, as I weakened. I looked at his hand. I now knew what it meant. Why I had been afraid to take his hand. Why I had been dreading it. I now knew why the feeling inside me was screaming for me to stay away. I knew that if I took his hand, I wouldn’t run away. If I took his hand, the feeling would disappear. If I took his hand, today would just be a sort of dream. I looked at his hand, as he waited for me grab it…

…I did.