The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

As I walked into my home, soaked by the rain, I knew the house was empty. All the lights were off, and the only sound I could hear was my breathing. I took a step forward, and the squeak I heard made me look down at my feet. My clothes were dripping water all over the floor, and I knew I had to clean the mess up before Mother and Father came home. I took off my shoes and quickly went to my room door. However, I stopped right before opening it. Every year, on this day, I always had a bad feeling about going into my room. I always had the feeling that I was going to find something awful. It was the one time that my safe place didn’t feel safe at all. I took a deep breath and held it, and then I quickly opened the door. Without really taking a look around, I grabbed a new pair of clothes and left the room. I went to the bathroom, and only let out my breath when I had closed the door. I pushed my wet hair out of my face and looked forward and found myself looking at me in the mirror. I hated doing that, looking at myself, even when my face wasn’t bruised. All I felt was disgust and even anger. At first, when I woke up from the coma and saw myself, I thought that the disgust and anger that I felt was a temporary thing. Even the doctor told me that. He told me I shouldn’t worry. But I still felt the same. I didn’t know why, but no matter what I did, the feeling never left. I sighed and began changing my clothes. Everything felt amplified on this day. I felt so much sicker of everything. Everything even looked a bit more threatening. After I finished getting ready, I took a towel and cleaned up all water that had dripped from my clothes. Then, as I sat on the floor after drying the last droplets of water, I looked at my closed room door.

I walked up to it, but this time, I didn’t hold my breath. I walked into my room and reached under my bed. Finally, I felt the picture in my hand. I pulled it out from under my bed and left my room. Staring at the picture, I sat down at the dinner table. It was the only picture I had of my parents. The two of them had their arms wrapped around each other. Mom was laughing, with her head tilted back. Father, however, just stared at her, with a warm smile on his face. They were both dressed beautifully, and no one could doubt the love they shared, which this picture showed. I sat there, staring at the picture. Even though the picture was so beautiful, even though the moment that the photo captured held only love and happiness, one thing kept ringing in my ears. I am alone . I could feel a burning inside me. It hurt, but there was nothing I could do. I gripped the picture tightly, fearing that it might just evaporate and disappear right in front of me if I didn’t hold on tight enough.

I hadn’t realized that someone was calling my name until someone was standing a few feet away from me. “Marie?” Tammy muttered. When I looked up at her, she walked up to me quickly and hugged me. “It’s okay.” Tammy mumbled. I was actually really happy she came. It broke me out of my trance.

“I’m fine…but, thanks.” I whispered, as she let me go. “Why didn’t you go to see Mom and Dad?” Tammy always went to pay her respect at their graves on this day.

“Well, my parents had to stay late at work today so there’s no one to take care of you while I’m gone…so I decided not to go today…” I could hear how sad she was that she couldn’t go.

“Don’t worry about me. Jaden should be home soon. I’ll just stay with him tonight. You can go. I’ll be fine.” I said, getting up and heading for the door.

“A-Are you sure?” Tammy said from behind me as she followed.

“Yes.” I said, opening the door, and looking back at her. Her face was surprised, but then she smiled. I didn’t get what she was looking at, so I looked forward. Jaden was standing right in front of me at the door, smiling.

“Why, thank you, princess.” Jaden smiled. Even though I knew he could see part of the bruises on my face, he didn’t mention it at all. I hoped that meant he was going to let it go.

“Jaden, your arrival is just perfect. Can you keep an eye on Marie, tonight…or do you have somewhere you have to go?” Tammy asked.

“Nah, I’m free, so I’ll stay here.” Jaden said, and Tammy smiled.

“Thanks, Jaden!” she said excitedly, giving him a hug. “Bye, Marie. See you tomorrow.” She smiled, but it fell a bit. She worried so much.

Jaden and I went inside and sat on the sofa to watch some show that was on. Jaden then said that he would cook. He made burritos, which were very good. We didn’t talk much, but after we had finished eating and were watching TV again, I looked at him. “Jaden…this might sound a bit rude, but…why are you even here?”

“Um… I didn’t have work today…so, I came home.” Jaden smiled, a bit confused.

“No, I mean, why are you staying here with us?” I muttered. Jaden just stared at me surprised at my bluntness, and then he smiled.

“Why don’t we go somewhere, huh? It’ll brighten your mood, I promise.” He said, grabbing my arm and pulling me to the door, after turning off the TV. He grabbed an umbrella and held it above the both of us. We walked for a while, and finally Jaden explained where we were going. “It’s a place one my friends showed me. It’s not too far.” We walked for about 20 minutes, when Jaden stopped and looked at me. “Okay, now, close your eyes.” I stared at him. He couldn’t be serious. “I’m serious, close your eyes. Don’t worry; I’ll hold your hand.” He smiled. I closed my eyes, and let him lead the way.

After a minute, we stopped. “Stay right here. I’ll be right back.” Jaden said, handing me the umbrella.

“Jaden, wai-” I mumbled, grabbing his hand with my free hand.

“I’ll be right back.” I heard him say as he let go of my hand. I was alone for what seemed like forever, but then Jaden was back, holding my hand. “Okay, open your eyes.” He whispered in my ear. I opened my eyes, and let out a small gasp. It was a small carousel. It looked beautiful in the rain and the darkened sky made the lights on it seem even brighter. It was spinning around slowly and all the horses kept going up and down. There was even some music, which I hadn’t been paying attention to earlier. Both of us walked up to the carousel and jumped on. We then sat on two horses that were side by side.

I looked around and realized that we were in a park. “How did you get the carousel to start?” I looked at Jaden, as he pushed his wet hair out of his face.

“My friend runs the carousel so he let me borrow the key to start it.” Jaden smiled, but I got the feeling his smirk signified it hadn't exactly been "borrowed". It was so much fun. We were protected from the rain, and the lights covering the carousel protected us from the darkness. It felt so safe, as if we were in our own peaceful world.

We sat quietly, and finally, I felt like talking. I wanted to have a conversation, one where I wasn’t just interrogating the other person. I wanted to talk, like they always showed on TV, and like everyone around me who seemed to have no trouble with that kind of thing. “So…you like to paint?” I mumbled, hoping that he had heard me.

Jaden looked at me and smiled. “Yep, I do. But it’s not something I plan to make a career out of or anything. Honestly, I started liking it because of the huge mess I always made. It really made my dad mad. So I'd paint just to piss him off." He chuckled at some memory. "I think that’s why I’ve always liked playing instruments as well. My dad hates any noise, so I learned to play instruments. It came to me easily, so once I learned one instrument well enough, I moved on to a different one.”

“Wow… so… you learned all these things…just to annoy your dad,” I said, feeling a bit confused.

“Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, doesn't it…" his smile suddenly looked a bit fake. "And yet, he never had the time of day for me.” Jaden sighed. He was not frowning, but he wasn’t smiling like usual either.

“I…I saw the painting that you left on the desk in our room… It was very beautiful.” I said, looking down.

I hear Jaden laugh. “I’m glad you liked it, because…it was you.” I looked over at him, and he was smiling. Was he serious? “You can have it once I’m done…that is, if you want it.” He smiled.

“S-sure… I would like that.” I said, still stunned by what he had said. The picture had been…of me?

“Anyways, what do you like to do?” Jaden asked, still smiling.

“U-umm, I used to play the guitar… but, after the accident… I stopped.” I muttered.

“Oh… I remember.” Jaden said, but I didn’t look at him. We sat quietly again. The carousel stopped, but Jaden got off and started it again. I had never been on a carousel before, but I really liked it. I closed my eyes and just focused on the music. It was pretty and very soft, and it made me feel relaxed. For few moments, I forgot what the day was, and the bruises on my face, and I even forgot about Jaden and Tammy. I left my mind blank, and enjoyed the feeling it gave me.

“Have you forgotten me?”

I opened my eyes abruptly, after hearing a girl’s voice in my ear. Her voice sent a shiver down my spine, chilling me. I looked around, but there was no one, except for Jaden. But that hadn’t been a dream…I swear I could feel her breath on my ear.

“Marie, are you okay?” Jaden asked, touching my shoulder.

“Yes.” I said, after looking around one last time.

“Marie… I wanted to ask you…Were you really thinking about running away yesterday?”

I was surprised at how randomly he brought this up, but I wasn’t going to lie to him. “Yes…” I muttered, looking straight at him, so he knew that I was serious. I had almost gone through with it too.

“Why? What changed your mind?” He asked. I could tell he was very concerned.

“There wasn’t really a reason…I just felt tired, and I wasn’t thinking straight…” I sighed. I still didn’t know what was driving me to run away yesterday. It felt like so long ago, and I no longer knew what I had been thinking. “But, I stopped, because of you…If you hadn’t been there, I would have gone.” I sighed.

He looked at me, even more confused than before. “It was because you said that we were going to go home together…I liked that…” I whispered.

Jaden finally smiled, and I felt a bit less nervous. “But, Marie… if something’s bothering you…you should tell someone.” Jaden said, in a serious tone. “Even if that someone isn’t me…” He whispered.

“It was nothing serious…I was just being silly…Haven’t you ever just wanted to run away.”

Jaden laughed. “Well, if you ever just want to take a break, I will take you somewhere special.” He smiled. At this moment, I wanted to smile, but not a fake smile. I wouldn’t force a smile on my face, especially not with Jaden. Jaden was always honest with me, and he deserved the same from me. So instead of putting a fake smile, I just sat there. I hoped he knew I was happy, even if I didn’t say anything.

Then I felt his arms around me. “Don’t worry, I know. Candy taught me.” Jaden smiled. His comment surprised me, and I also hadn’t realized that the carousel had stopped moving. “It’s getting late. We should go home.” He let go of me and stepped back so I could get down. I put my legs on one side, so that I was facing Jaden. But, I didn’t jump off. Instead, I just sat there. Jaden looked at me, confused. But then he smiled, and turned on the carousel again. He jumped back on and sat on his horse, facing me.

“Last time…okay?” Jaden smiled, but I still didn’t look at him.

“Jaden… You never answered my question…” I said, looking at my knees.

“Which one?”

“The one I asked you at home…” I muttered. “I answered your question…Now it’s your turn to answer mine…”

I heard him sigh. “I was hoping you had forgotten…”

I watched him and waited for him to say more. After a moment, he did. “I don’t…get along with my dad…as I'm sure you've guessed. So, we had an argument. He wanted me to go to some private school and I refused… but he didn’t want people to know that I was hanging out at "some trashy public school" as he puts it, and he thought that if he gave me a few months away, I might change my mind… Since my dad knows your uncle very well, he asked if I could stay with your family.” Jaden sighed. “Not as exciting as you thought, right?”

“So he decided that you would stay with us?” I whispered. I got the feeling that this was his father's way of "grounding" him. That his time here was to serve as a punishment.

“Yes. My dad was the one who decided. This way I’m close enough that I can go home if I need to, but I am still far enough that I don’t have to stay at my own home. It’s the perfect situation.” Jaden smiled, sarcastically.

“…Have you changed your mind?” I asked. I don’t know why, but I really wanted to know, even though it didn’t concern me. I looked at him and watched him as he spoke. He looked down for a second.

“I don’t know.” Jaden finally said, and he slowly looked up at me as he spoke. We just stared at each other, as the carousel kept spinning…