The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

I walked up the driveway toward the front door, and I couldn’t help but walk a bit slower. They were waiting for me. I stopped right in front of the door and took in a deep breath as I closed my eyes.

“MARIE! I know you’re there! Get in here!” I heard Father yell. I opened my eyes and turned the knob of the door.

The next few minutes were a blur, probably because I hit my head. I remember coming in, and I remember seeing Father. I don’t’ know what he hit me with, but he hit me in the head. I went down immediately, and put a hand to where he hit me. It hurt so much. I could feel the moistness.

I was going to say something when he kicked me. Before I knew it, I was being thrown against a wall. I didn’t feel the other blows as much. My whole body felt numb after he hit my head. Then, it was quiet, and the beating stopped. My body was covered in cuts, because of the broken glass on the floor. I wasn’t sure what had broken. I couldn’t see properly, everything was a hazy, but I still tried to move away from where I was.

Father had been yelling at me, but it was completely silent now. I was still in the living room. I crawled away from the wall to go behind one of the sofas. As I crawled a few feet, I saw Father at the door. He was talking to someone. It was Jaden.

“You haven’t seen Marie? But, she left at least 20 minutes before me.” Jaden said, as he came into the house. I considered saying something. I considered asking him for help. But, I didn’t. I let out a sound. I couldn’t do it. I tried to understand why, but I couldn’t get my thoughts together.

“Well, you know her. She’s such a strange girl. We never know what she’s up to.” Father responded. “Anyways, why don’t you freshen up and have breakfast with us.”

Once Jaden was in our room, Father came back. I tried to move away, but I didn’t have the strength. Where would I go? Where could I go? There was no point in trying to get away. I knew this. He pulled me by my hair, and dragged me somewhere. By the time I realized what he was planning to do, it was too late. He was closing the closet door, and I heard him lock it. I didn’t bang on the door. I would only get into more trouble. The closet was small and it was dark. I leaned my head against the wall, trying not to touch the tender area on my scalp, and closed my eyes. I could hear everyone eating at the table, laughing.

What’s the point? Why am I here? I was slowly starting to feel the stings of all the cuts, and each one of them slowly began to burn more and more.

“What are you thinking of doing…” I heard someone mutter from next to me. The little girl was sitting to my left. I felt so dizzy and everything hurt. It was getting worse than before, the beatings. I never admitted it, but they were more often, and they were far more painful. Couldn’t I die from this? Shouldn’t all of this have killed me? But, no, it couldn’t, because I still had a little bit left. I still had some hope. Just that was enough to keep me alive.

“Monkey, what are you thinking?” the little girl said, with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

“Am I asleep?” I muttered, but I already knew the answer.

“No, silly, of course not.” She smiled at me.

“Why are you here? I haven’t seen you in so long.” I said through breaths. She shouldn’t be here. I hadn’t done anything.

“Why do you think Monkey?” She laughed. “Jaden, Tammy, and I are a package deal.”

“I’m not planning anything…” I said, trying to focus on her.

“Don’t lie to me Monkey. Are you forgetting? I’M IN YOUR HEAD.”

I looked away. “I’m not planning anything. I’m not doing anything.” I muttered. Not yet.

She laughed. “Oh Monkey. I know that. But, I’m here to make sure you forget such silly ideas.” She giggled.

“I’m just so tired…” I said trying to stay awake. I didn’t want to see her in my dreams. She was always scarier in my dreams.

“I told you that I was tired too Monkey. Do you remember? I told you I was just so tired.” Her voice was solemn. As she spoke, I could see flickers of my own memory, or what she wanted me to see.

I couldn’t really see her, because I wasn’t looking at her. I was looking at the sky. We were lying down next to each other. “I’m just so tired, Marie…” I heard the girl say, but that was all that I heard, and even the girl’s voice was distorted. It was like I was trying to play a really old record. I shook my head a bit, trying to get rid of the memory.

“Look at you Marie. You’re so weak. You can’t even protect yourself from anyone. What happened to all that supposed strength of yours, huh? You used to be so strong that no one dared talk back to you. Now look at you, all beaten and bruised and locked in a closet.”

I didn’t care. I didn’t care. I didn’t care. No, that wasn’t it. I did care. But, I had been trying for so long not to. I didn’t want to care, because then I could live with myself. I could live with being beaten. I could live with not fighting back. I could live with being weak. If I just didn’t care. If you don’t care, it can’t nothing can affect you. So, I had to not care. I didn’t care.

“You’re always saying that you don’t need help. Yet, aren’t Tammy and Jaden always helping you. You can’t do anything on your own.”

“…I can.”

“You can’t.” the little girl said harshly. But I could. I was doing this on my own. I would not involve Tammy and Jaden in my problems. I would not let that happen.

“Whatever you say.” The little girl said. “Well then, Monkey. We’ll talk later, okay?” She giggled.

She disappeared then, and I was alone in the closet once more. I couldn’t tell how late it was, but I knew that the whole day had passed. I felt really weak, especially because I hadn’t fully recovered from yesterday either. Then, I heard the click of the door unlocking, and I had to squint my eyes because of how bright the light was outside the closet. I finally saw the silhouette of a small figure.

“What is Marie doing in the closet?” Candy giggled, but then she must have seen the blood. Suddenly she seemed scared. “I-Is Marie okay?” She said approaching me. I was going to stand up, but I couldn’t, so I just went onto my knees and leaned on the wall for support.

“I’m fine, Candy... I’m…just playing hide-and-seek.” I said, trying to keep myself from passing out. I could do this. I had to.

“Oh! Candy wants to play!” Candy giggled, completely forgetting the stains of red all over my clothing, or at least she was pretending to.

I was about to speak when Mother walked by. “Marie, get out of there and go bathe.” She growled.

“I’m sorry Candy. Can we play next time?”

“Marie always says that.” She pouted. She looked adorable when she pouted, and I couldn’t help but feel happy at her attempt at anger. It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open.

“Fine, I promise…. to play with you tomorrow. We will do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want!” Candy said as her eyes lit up.

“Yes….” I said, touching her cheek.

“Ok! Candy will wait till tomorrow!” She giggled as she ran off to play in her own little world, one that was no doubt the most beautiful world one could imagine.

I leaned against the wall and slowly made my way to my room. I don’t remember how many times I fell, but it was quite a few. Each step took so much energy. But, I just had to make it to my room. No one would bother me then. I finally reached the door and opened it. It took all of my energy to close the door behind me. I tried so hard to make it to the sofa, but at some point as I headed toward it, everything went black. And that is how it remained for a while. Everything was just black, but it was a peaceful blackness. I was sleeping, and I wasn’t dreaming. I felt so light.

I do not really recall the next few things that happened, because I was still half asleep. I heard someone cursing, and I felt myself being lifted. I was somewhat awake then, and I remember being left in the bathroom to wash up. After I washed myself and slowly put my clothes on, I fell to the floor and leaned against the wall for support. I was just really tired. I felt like I hadn’t slept properly in days, and now it was taking its toll.

I heard knocking, but I ignored it. I listened to it get louder, but I still didn’t move. At some point the door opened, and I was floating in the air once more. I knew that though it felt like everything was happening so quickly, it must have taken some time. I was placed in my bed, and I didn’t really wake up until I felt something cold on my back.

Suddenly, I was wide awake. I turned my head to look behind me, and that’s when I saw Jaden. He wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t frowning. There was no expression on his face. When he saw me looking at him, his face softened. “Don’t worry. You’re fine. I’m just putting antibacterial on the cuts on your back.”

I turned back around and just waited for him to finish putting the antibacterial. I also felt him place Band-Aids on the cuts. Then, he slowly pulled my shirt back down.

“There. Now the only one left is the one on your arm.” I heard him say. I looked at my left arm and saw the cut that he was talking about. I slowly sat up and grabbed the antibacterial tube that he had place on my bed. That was also the first time that I realized where I was sleeping. I wasn’t on the sofa, but on my bed. He had even changed the bed sheets back to the ones that I used. He’d probably done this when I was in the shower. I successfully rubbed the antibacterial onto the cuts, though it took some time. I looked around for a Band-Aid, which was when Jaden spoke, after I had almost completely forgotten about his presence.

“Let me help.” Jaden sighed. I didn’t know what to say, so I just let him put the Band-Aid on my arm. “There.” He said, but he wasn’t smiling. He went away and came back with medicine. After taking it, I watched him start to walk away. I couldn’t help but say something, even though I was so tired. Being drowsy actually helped in making me unaware of what I was doing. So, I started talking.

“Jaden…are you angry?” I managed to mutter, but it didn’t feel like I was saying it. It felt like I was listening to someone else.

“Yes.” He sighed.

“Don’t be…It’s not your fault.”

“It is. I let you go.” He said sadly. But, it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I knew what was going to happen, but I still came home. I just wanted to get it over with. It was going to happen anyways. But, I wasn’t hurt that bad this time. I just had many small cuts, but I didn’t feel sick or feverish. I was just tired. Jaden hadn’t spoke for some time, so I did.

“You know, I have a feeling that your Dad didn’t send you here.” I sighed.

“What?”

“You’re lying, Jaden. It’s a lie. I can feel those.”

“Marie, you should sleep. You’re tired.” He said. I felt his hand push my hair out of my face, but my eyes were closed.

“Are you leaving?” I said. “…leaving here?”

“I won’t leave, Marie. I won’t leave you.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t lie…You’re lying…”

“I’m not lying.” I heard him say. And then, I felt him get closer to me, and he whispered something in my ear. I heard what he said, and I shook my head.

“You’re lying.” I whispered, but by then, I had already forgotten what he’d said. I couldn’t remember it.

“I’m not lying. Now, go to sleep.”

And then I was asleep. But, I wasn’t lucky enough to get away from the little girl like earlier. She was in my dream and she was mad, but for no real reason. I ignored her. I pretended she wasn’t there as she screamed in my head.

“What’s the point! What’s the point in doing this? You tried this Marie! I thought you were smart! Are you going to go through the same thing again? He’s going to leave you.” She yelled, and I gave up in hoping that she would disappear if I ignored her.

“It’s not the same, he said…He whispered in my ear that…” I couldn’t remember what he’d said.

“What did he say?” She smiled.

“It doesn’t matter. I have decided. I am going to become stronger. I am going to prepare. I don’t need their help. I have to do this on my own. I will fight by myself, and I will change.”

“Change? You can’t change! Do you really think I will let you live in peace.”

“I won’t let you control me. I’ve done that for too long.” I said to her. I was going to walk away from her, but then I heard crying.

She was on her knees, holding her face in her hands. I could hear her muttering my name. I had heard that before. Dozens of images flickered through my head, and in each one of them, the little girl was calling my name. She was so sad.

I turned back to the little girl, and I couldn’t help but go to her. Every cell in my body said that I HAD to go to her. It wasn’t a choice. I bent down in front of her and hugged her. “Don’t cry…” I muttered. I didn’t know what I was doing.

“You-you promise to stay with me?”

“Yes.” I said, without a second thought.

“But, you broke your promise last time.” She whimpered. More memories flooded back.

I could see the silhouette of a girl. She was screaming. “Why are you trying to leave me?” She yelled through tears.

I didn’t like what this little girl was doing. She kept showing me things, but I never knew if I could trust them. She only showed me parts of memories, that is, if they were real memories.

“Don’t you trust me? I wouldn’t lie.” Bunny said to me. I was still hugging her.

“I trust you Bunny. I do.” I said. I realized what I had said, and I couldn’t help but feel surprised. Calling her Bunny seemed so normal, like I always called her that. I quickly stopped hugging her and moved away. She had a huge smile on her face.

“See, Monkey. You don’t trust anyone, but you trust me. I’m not the bad guy Monkey. IT’S ALL OF THEM! THEY ARE ALL EVIL.” She said furiously. She walked up to me and smiled angelically. “They are trying to take you away from me.”

No. She was wrong. I wouldn’t ever forget her. I couldn’t forget her, even if I didn’t know who she truly was or what happened in the past. I would always feel the weight of my guilt. That was what she was. That was why she was here. She was here to make me remember my guilt. I knew that she was a part of my imagination… but, wait. What if, she didn’t exist? What if she’d never existed? She was a part of my imagination…what if my mind made her up?

“DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT!” Bunny screamed. “I AM REAL! I AM REAL.” She yelled.

My head was spinning. But, then…then, what was the point?

I woke up, but I didn’t move one bit. What could justify all of this? Why wasn’t I just normal? But most of all was I just not meant to be happy? Was I being punished for all the tears I that I had not shed? What did I do?

But there was no point in asking questions, because I wouldn’t find the answer. The answer was being hidden from me. It had been sealed away so that I couldn’t find it.

I tried to move my body, and my back ached. I looked around and knew that I had woken up in the middle of the night. I sat up in bed, and looked around in the darkness. I could hear Jaden breathing softly from the sofa. And I listened to him for a while, hoping it would help me sleep, though I knew it wouldn’t. I knew what would help. I slowly got up and walked out the front door.

I didn’t pay attention to where I was going, and I didn’t care. I just needed to get away. I had to get away. I felt so weak and so confused. Maybe if I kept walking, everything would go away, because I no longer knew what was going on. I no longer knew what I should be doing. So, I kept walking and walking.

I didn’t look back.