The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

"rie...arie...”

Through the blackness, I could hear something. It was quiet, but it was all I had to go on. I focused on it, as hard as I could. Anything to get out of where I was. I was scared. The emptiness around me was suffocating. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, as if I was being compressed. If I stayed too long, I knew I would die. I would get crushed.

“MARIE!”

I was blinded by a bright light, so I began to squint until my vision finally adjusted. It took me a few moments before I realized that Tammy was standing next to my bed. She looked relieved when she saw my eyes open.

"Are you... okay?" she mumbled. I nodded a bit but all that I could think about was my wrist. A part of me didn’t want to look… another part of me said I was going to have to face it. In the end, I would have to look at some point. I slowly lifted my stiff arm so that I could see it. Though I felt a bit woozy, there was nothing there. I had been right. "Are you...sure, Marie?"

"y-yeah." I managed to say. My throat felt sore. It was quiet for a couple of minutes, as I rotated my wrist. I looked up at Tammy, but she still wasn't smiling. "Something wrong?" I asked.

She looked straight into my eyes. "You were...you were saying my name...” That was when I noticed the wet streaks running down her face. These aren’t tears of pity. She cares about me.

"It's not like I haven't had a bad dream before, Tammy." I spoke lightly. She didn't need to know. It was my problem not hers. I would just worry her more than she already was.

"But...You've never screamed my name like that before..." she said. Her voice was a bit shaky. I didn't say anything. I couldn't think of anything to say. “Marie… you were…”

“Its… nothing.”

“Then why are you drenched in sweat, huh?” She managed to mumble as she rubbed tears from her eyes. I hadn’t even realized how wet and sticky I felt until she mentioned it.

"I'm fine." I finally said, but it didn't sound very convincing, even to me. "Anyways, we should get ready for school."

I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t help it. I was pushing her away, like I always did. But why did every bone in my body want me to do this. What was wrong with me? I TRUSTED Tammy. I admitted it. I know I could tell her anything, but my very being rebelled against the thought. Bunny rebelled against it, and I did too. My head was spinning. Everything around me looked so foreign. Sometimes, when I blinked I couldn’t even remember who I was. Is this what it’s like to be crazy? My mind tried to make sense of this with no success. I felt so… lost . I looked at Tammy and I was surprised. Any traces that she had been crying were gone, except for her puffy eyes, and she was smiling like she always was.

"Y-you're right. Ummm... there are some clothes for you on the dresser. It was your Christmas gift... you left it here." Her smile dropped for a second, but it came right back as soon as she realized. I hadn't been myself at that time...Even as I looked back on it now, I couldn’t really remember much (even when I wasn’t completely disoriented), but I had no doubt that Tammy remembered ever minute. I wanted to promise her that I would never act like that again, even though it wouldn't help. "Okay then, I'm going to go get ready. See you downstairs." She said as she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

I sat quietly for a few more moments before I got dressed. My mind kept wandering to my dream, though I tried not to. I had never dreamt about something like that before. Then again, I had a tendency to have odd dreams. I went downstairs to breakfast with Tammy and her parents.

"...um Marie?"

I suddenly snapped out of my “daydreaming”, if you could call it that. It was not even daydreaming, because I wasn’t thinking about anything. I was moving around and going through the motions, but I was not present. I looked at Mrs. Pierce.

“Did you not like your pancakes, hun?” She smiled cheerfully. I looked at my plate and realized that I hadn’t even had a bite. “If there’s anything you want I would LOVE to make it for you! I’ll even give you the option of having CAKE for breakfast!”

“AWWWW!” Tammy and her Dad groaned in unison. “Why do we never get to have things like that for breakfast?”

“Because Marie has the ability of self-control and won’t give herself a tummy-ache like you two would if I allowed you to have some cake.” Mrs. Pierce smiled, and then she turned to me. “Sorry about that, Dear, did you decide what you would like?”

“Thank you, Mrs. Pierce, but I think I’ll skip breakfast today… I…”

“I understand, hun. Don’t worry about it at all. It just means that I am going to make you one heck of a dinner.”

“Mom…” Tammy whined for me.

“Tammy, Marie doesn’t mind!” She laughed and she looked at me again. “Right, dear?”

“No. Thank you. Thank you for letting me stay with you as well.”

“You know all of us love to have you over.” Mr. Pierce smiled at me. I hadn’t expected that.

After Tammy finished, we left to go to school. As we walked, I tried to concentrate on what Tammy was saying, but it didn’t work very well. It wasn’t till we were at school that I noticed something was missing… well Someone was missing.

“Tammy, have you seen Jaden?” I interrupted her.

“Hmm, now that you mention it, it is a bit strange that he didn’t walk with us to school today… Maybe he just left early and got here before us?”

I don’t know why I felt so tense. This probably didn’t mean anything at all. However, if something had happened yesterday… when I wasn’t home… NO. That was impossible. Mother and Father were not like that. He was fine… at least that’s what I tried to convince myself.

I didn’t hear Tammy say ‘bye’ to me till it was too late. She knew I wasn’t listening to a word she said, but she still kept speaking. I didn’t understand that.

The hallways were almost completely empty as I walked to class. I hadn’t realized that we were later than usual today. Suddenly, my neck felt a bit itchy. It had been itchy for a while, but I had just ignored it. Now, it felt like my neck was on fire. I looked down and saw the angel necklace that Parker had given me. I had always worn it since then, but for the first time, I had an intense urge to take it off. After a couple more attempts at ignoring it, I took it off. As I was about to place it in my pocket, I accidentally bumped into Kelly and her little group of friends.

“Watch where you’re going, LOSER!” the girl I ran into growled.

“Marie. Long time no see. Want to show me what you were about to put in your pocket?” Kelly smiled… if what she did could be called a smile. I just stared at her without responding. I was not going to give her the necklace. Kelly looked at the girl I had run into. “Diane, why don’t you grab it from her.” Diane nodded, and then grabbed the necklace from me with the help of a few others. “Did you say something Marie?” Kelly giggled.

“GIVE IT BACK.” I said, staring at Diane. For a second, she looked worried but then she regained her composure and laughed with the others and Kelly. “I am not going to say it again.” I muttered, but instead she swung it around in my face and snatched it away when I tried to take it. Then, she pushed me.

I don’t know what happened to me. Before I had a chance to consider what I was doing, I made a fist and hit Diane’s face. That was going to leave a bruise… She dropped the necklace, so I picked it up and put it in my pocket. I looked at the other girls and they were shocked. Kelly looked especially surprised.

“I do remember how to fight…” I muttered as I walked by them. None of them tried to stop me. If Tammy learned about what I had done, she would probably be pretty mad, but I go the feeling Kelly and co. were not going to say anything about what had happened. My head was hurting again. Was this how I used to be? I didn’t like it, and I got the odd feeling that I didn’t like it before either. It made me feel so cold and empty. I looked at the angel in my hand. She would have teased me, and I would have just stood there like I normally did. Then she would get bored and give it back. If I didn’t react she would have just let it go. Now though, I had a bad feeling, but it wasn’t just Kelly. Something, I wasn’t sure what, was wrong… Or something bad was going to happen.

The day seemed to go more slowly than usual, but I think it was because I was just waiting for it to end. I wanted to see Jaden and Candy. I was walking to my spot at lunch, when Tammy pulled me aside into the nearby bathroom.

“Here, take my phone. I think Candy was calling. She wouldn’t talk to me… I don’t think its something to worry about. I think she might just miss you, but still you should talk to her.” She whispered to me. “You miss her right.” I nodded as she handed me her cell phone.

Tammy left, but I stayed in the bathroom. After a couple minutes, the phone rang. “Hello?” I said anxiously. I could hear whimpering. “Bunny?”

I heard her sniffle a bit before she answered. “M-M-Marie, C-C-Candy’s scared.” She mumbled wrong.

“Shhh. It’s okay. Don’t worry, alright?” I paused. “Do you think you can tell me what’s wrong?”

“M-M-Mommy and Daddy are fighting.”

“I see…” I felt my heart beat faster. They better not touch her. “Okay, Bunny, how about we play hid-and-seek.” I said. “ You hide in your room and don’t come out till I find you, okay?”

“mmhmm.” She whispered. “Candy likes hide-and-seek.”

“I know you do.” I whispered. “Now, hide quickly.” I said in a voice that I only used with her. “I’m coming.” I muttered. Tammy would not agree to this, so I took her phone with me. I could drop it off at her house later. Right now, I had to get back home. Though I was walking with determination, inside I felt unusually nervous…

Getting out of school hadn’t been easy, but as I got closer to my house, my feet began to feel heavier and heavier. I have no choice… this is for Candy. I kept thinking. I could do anything to keep her safe. ANYTHING .

“Marie…” I was a few feet up the drive way when I heard Tammy’s voice. “Where are you going?” She growled.

I turned to face her. “Go away Tammy.” I couldn’t be nice or she wouldn’t let me go. I had to get rid of her quickly.

“NO! I will not just go away. Parker told me not to…”

“Parker does not control me or my life. This is my home, and I have every right to go back.”

“Marie… We are not doing anything to hurt you…”

I was going to be as mean as I could. I didn’t want her to come back. She needed to stay away from the godforsaken place. Before I hurt her. “Why do act like you know me, huh? YOU DON’T KNOW ME. All of you, every singe one of you is looking for something that’s not there.” I yelled. Her face fell, and she unintentionally took a step back. “I don’t remember you. Do you understand that? I have NO memories of you!” I continued. She had to leave. I didn’t want her to hear anything. Every mean thing I could think of was coming out of my mouth. Anything that would get her to go away. “Whoever I was before, I am not her now.”

“I am still not…” She mumbled. I could see tears in her eyes.

“I will NEVER be her again. I don’t want to.” I said to her, forcing myself to look at her face. I didn’t know if I could go through with this, but I continued to force the words out. “Why would I want to go back to a life which I wanted to end? I tried to KILL MYSELF Tammy.” Tears were falling down her face. They were my fault, and what I was about to say was only going to make it worse. “And you know what? You were there weren’t you? What kind of friend are you to have not noticed what I was doing? Why didn’t you see me, huh?”

“You said you trusted me.” She screamed, her voice cracked a bit.

“Trust works both ways…” I mumbled, and then I hoped she hadn’t understood. Hopefully, when she calmed down she would finally get it. She had to trust me. I HAD to do this. I had no choice. But maybe, just maybe, she could forgive me for this, just like she has forgiven me for everything else… but there was always a chance she wouldn’t…

“I will not let you go in there.” She said, with some determination, but I ignored her and turned back toward the house. Then, I heard her run toward me. Immediately, I turned towards her and grabbed her right arm and pulled it behind her back. I didn’t pull too hard. It would hurt a bit, but she wouldn’t feel any soreness or anything from it tomorrow. “I will not let you go.” She mumbled again. I let go of her and pushed her a bit back to where she had been. However, she put her fists up. “You’re going to have to kill me before I let you go in there.”

“I’ll be whatever you want me to be.” I said, remembering what she had said to me a very long time ago.” She froze, and her eyes began to water even more. I could see she wouldn’t stop me this time, so I went towards the door again. I tried not to flinch as I placed my hand on the door knob. It was unlocked. I opened the door slowly. It felt so strange, even though I had gone in and out of this door so many times. The only thing that made sense in my head right now was Candy. If anything was important, it was her, but I still couldn’t believe what I was doing… What I was about to do…

“I said that I’d be whatever you needed me to be.” I heard Tammy say from the sidewalk. I turned to look at her, but she was gone.

I was going to go in…

Alone.