The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

“Stop this now, Bunny. I am not afraid of you.”

“Oh, but you are.” She laughed at me, as I tried to stand up, but I couldn’t. M body felt so heavy. “How much of the truth did you hit when you talked to Tammy. Do you perhaps…” she gasped. “You DO remember. You’re remembering more and more aren’t you…”

“I don’t remember any of it. I just made that up.”

“Oh, right. That just HAPPENED to be the first thing that popped into your head.” Bunny laughed. “Riiiight.”

“I was not trying to kill myself.” I said with determination. I knew myself enough to know that. I was not suicidal. I WAS NOT.

“You do not know that. In fact, you admitted that you don’t. If you don’t remember you can’t be sure.”

“What does this have to do with what Kelly said. “ I growled.

Suddenly, her arms were around me and she was hugging me tightly. “It hurts doesn’t it, the truth.” She whispered.

“So, she wasn’t lying.” I could hear the disappointment in my voice. My voice had become much more colored with my emotion recently. I didn’t know how I felt about it.

“Nope. She wasn’t…” Bunny smiled. “Ahhh. The pleasure of pain. I could get used to this. Oh wait… I have.”

My head was spinning as she stopped hugging me and laughed. “What? I don’t get…”

“I ENJOY your pain.” She said emphasizing each word.

“Then why would you stop me from learning about the truth? If the truth is going to hurt me that much… then why would you stop me.” I asked… but I wasn’t angry. I could not get truly angry at her. She could be so cruel… but even then I knew that my anger would not last long.

“I can’t help it. I still care…” she sighed. “Life is not easy.”

“But you’re not alive…”

“I’m alive enough to torture you.” She laughed as my head began stinging. The blood came back, as did the door and then more blood. I closed my eyes, but the images wouldn’t go away. There were suffocating me.

“That doesn’t mean you’re alive… “

“Ahhh. But it means that I’m alive to you… and that’s all that matters. That’s all that has ever mattered.” She announced. “Now, I think it’s time you go. Bye, Monkey… till next time.” She laughed as my body shuddered.

I woke up sweating again. It took me a minute to understand where I was. I was in bed, at Tammy’s house. Then, I was reminded of what I was trying to forget. The fact that I was a little bit closer to remembering my past. Now, however, I felt every part of me hoping that I never remembered more. What I had remembered was enough to make my heart ache. I told you… Bunny’s voice rang in my ear.

“What’s… worng, Marie?” I heard Tammy’s vice in the dark.

“N-Nothing.” I mumbled, and suddenly the lights went on. I shaded my eyes and blinked a couple times till my eyes adjusted. Tammy cam and sat down next to me on the bed.

“Are you… are you sure Kelly didn’t say something, Marie.”

“No. She didn’t.” I said. I was lying but this was the best way. I just didn’t know who to believe or talk to anymore. Tammy was no doubt my best friend, but… “Tammy, have you ever lied to me?” I asked.

“Yes.” She finally said after a long pause. She swallowed loudly. “Does this have to do with what Kelly said?”

“Yes.” I finally admitted. There was no point in pretending that Tammy didn’t realize that something had happened.

“You are not going to tell me…” Tammy asked, but mostly just stated.

“No…” I mumbled, and I heard Tammy sigh. “Not right now….”

“Well, then. Just promise you won’t talk to her alone again.”

“Is something… wrong?” I asked her. I knew that she meant that it would be better if I had backup next time, but the fact that she said it now gave it a different feeling. “Do you know why she doesn’t like us?”

Tammy laughed a bit nervously. “She hates everyone… not just us.” I looked her in the eyes, and her smile fell. “… We… we were friends. When we used to still be a part of that stupid gang. When you forgot everything, you forgot her… I told her to stay away from us.” Tammy said as she covered her face. “But please understand, you never liked fighting, and you had left before the accident. You had told me that you wouldn’t do it again, and Kelly wanted you to fight again. I told her that wasn’t you anymore and she didn’t listen. She tried to meet you, but you did not recognize her at all, and then she got mad. I tried to tell her that you didn’t remember anyone… but she was just mad.”

Ahhh. She was forgotten… Being forgotten, that’s the worst kind of pain… I heard Bunny say.

“So… it’s my fault…”

“N-no. It’s not your fault. It’s mostly mine… It was stupid of me to tell her to stay away… and now she is determined to make me suffer.” Tammy sighed again. “I guess I’m not as kind as you thought… huh.”

“You are a good person Tammy. Far better than anyone else I’ve ever known… You only did that to help me. You are not at fault. Thank you for telling me… I may not remember, but I should apologize to her. Maybe that’ll help.”

“I… I don’t think so.” Tammy mumbled. “Let’s go back to bed. We can deal with this later. Right now its late…”

“Yes… right now is not the time.” I whispered as Tammy went and turned off the light. However, I didn’t go back to bed. Bunny had been right, I was afraid. I was afraid of her as well as afraid of the truth. I was not as brave as everyone thought I was. BUT, I was not weak either. I was just so tired. Tired of the injuries I was not allowed to explain, tired of trying to remember a past that nobody wanted me to remember, tired of trying to understand my parents, tired of trying to understand Jaden, and most of all I was tired of being controlled by Bunny. So, I spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling, hoping that the time to get up would come quickly.

Kelly pushed my shoulder roughly. “Hey, I helped you out yesterday, didn’t I? I believe I deserve an answer to my question. Did you tell her? Huh? Or were you too afraid to ask? I’m not lying. It’s the truth.” She laughed.

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled, looking at the ground. School hadn’t even started and Kelly had found me while I was walking to class. I had purposefully used the longer way to get there as soon as I saw her following me. I had to apologize.

“What?” Kelly growled loudly, probably because she assumed that I had spewed some sort of insult under my breath.

“I’m sorry that I forgot you.” I said much more loudly. Kelly eyes filled with surprise, and then I felt her fist against my already cut cheek. I was forced to take a few more steps back as I tried to recover. This was nothing. I had been hit much harder than that before. I took a deep breath and looked back at her. “I’m sorry that I didn’t remember…” Before I could finish, she hit me once more. I stumbled on a rock behind me and fell. I looked at her again, and I saw tears falling down her face. “I’m sorry that I didn’t remember our friendship.” I said as I stood up again to face her.

“No more.” Kelly yelled, but I continued.

“And I apologize on the behalf of Tammy. She meant well.” Suddenly, I felt kellys hand gripping my shirt and holding it in her fist, pulling me close.

“She MEANT well? For who? She was not thinking about me when she PUSHED me away. Did she tell you? Did she tell you how she wouldn’t let me near you? She told me YOU didn’t remember me and you DIDN’T want to either. You no longer have any right to apologize. You lost it when your precious friend broke our friendship.” She said as she pushed me away. “Do you remember what you promised? You said that once you made a friendship, you would do anything to keep it. And ours? You gave up on it so easily. We are not FRIENDS anymore. We are ENEMIES.”

“I promise that I never knew what she had done. She never told me, but that doesn’t excuse me. Still, can’t we try again? It was a mistake. I already admitted it.”

“But, you’re too late. I waited for you, and then I changed. I became better. My dad became wealthy and with that I no longer needed you. I have thousands of friends now. I don’t need you’re friendship.”

“Then why do you always pick on me? Huh?”

“You made me miserable once.” She smiled, the tears all dried away. “And now I will make sure you are just as miserable. Don’t think your words are going to change anything. It’s not that easy. You WILL get what’s coming to you.” Then she walked away, and I just stood there, looking at a friendship I had lost and an enemy I had made without ever knowing it. She wanted me to suffer… just like Bunny. Maybe she WAS Bunny. I wasn’t sure, and I was not really sure that I wanted to know. What I did want to know was… Did ANYBODY, ANYBODY at all want me to be happy? Anyone?

Slowly, I fell to the ground and sat down, thinking. Had I actually helped the life of anyone with my life? Was I really such an awful person that I did not deserve an ounce of happiness? “Marie?” I heard a soft voice call out to me. The voice was filled with concern and kindness, and something else… “Are you alright?” Jaden asked as he put his hand out. I held his hand and he helped me up.

“I’m fine actually.” I said as I kept my eyes on the ground. I wanted to look at him, but right now, I knew the expression I had might give something away. If not the expression on my face, then the look in my eyes. Apparently I couldn’t hide things from him like I could from everyone else, no matter how hard I tried. Suddenly, I was pulled against his chest as he hugged me tightly. I could feel his face near the side of mine, and I could feel him lean his head down so his cheek was near mine. “J-Ja-“

“I’m sorry, but I’ve really missed you.” He said and his grip didn’t loosen. Suddenly, I felt very warm. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed him till now. No longer living with him had become strange, even though he hadn’t lived with us for long. Not seeing him every day had been hard.

“I… I missed you… too.” I mumbled.

“Really?” He said, loosening just enough to look at my face. He had a huge smile on one, like one a child might wear when told he can have ice cream before eating dinner. I looked away, surprised how quickly my mood had changed just from seeing him. At that moment, what others thought didn’t matter, nothing mattered. I was… happy. But it was even more than that. I felt so light, like all my tensions could easily be wiped away. I heard him laugh quietly, but he still didn’t let me go. Then, the late bell rang.

“J-Jaden.” I managed to say, but just saying his name brought back that floating feeling. “The bell just rang. We’re late.” Though I did not really care anymore if I was.

“Yeah.” He whispered in my ear. “Do you feel better?” he asked. I was surprised he had realized. “I’m sorry I didn’t do anything when you were upset about Tammy, but she told me not to interfere. It was hard though. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. But, I think you should let go now…” I said as I tried to push away, but he wouldn’t let me.

“I’m sorry about the little race too… I’m really sorry. However, I couldn’t let you go running around town looking for her. You would have gotten hurt. You probably would have passed out somewhere.”

“I know… But Jaden, we have to get to class.”

“We’re already late, a few more minutes won’t matter.” He laughed, and he did have a point. “I am really sorry. But, I knew you weren’t going to listen to me that day.”

“Jaden! I already forgave you. I forgive you, ok?”

“Are you sure?” He asked with a smile.

“Yes.” I stated simply. “I do forgive you.” I will always forgive you, because I know you’ll always forgive me.

Jaden laughed. “Then, I’m never going to let you go.”

“you promise…” the words came out of my mouth before I even had the opportunity to process them. I felt Jaden’s grip loosen a bit, probably in surprise, and I had no doubt that my face showed just as much shock. “Umm. I was just kidding.” I said as I shifted nervously, I had no doubt that my face was red. I tried to control my expression but I could not believe what I had just said.

I felt Jaden place his head near my ear as I covered my face by pushing it into his shirt. I felt so stupid. “I promise… forever.” He said, as his hands loosened and held my waist loosely. Then, slowly, he moved towards me. He looked into my eyes, and I stared into his. As his lips got closer, I suddenly felt really nervous and I turned my face a little bit. YES I am an idiot. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. I don’t know why I stopped him, but I did. I heard Jaden chuckle once, and then he kissed my cheek. “Well, we should get to class.” He smiled at me as I finally got the courage to look him in the eyes again. He picked up my backpack and held it instead of handing it to me. Instead, he placed my hand in his other hand. “I’ll walk you to class.”

“Wait, but we don’t have class together…”

“Like I said, I’m already late, it doesn’t matter anymore.” He smiled. “Let’s go.” We walked slowly and I was happy that my cheek had not started swelling or anything yet. When we made it to my class, he helped me put my backpack on and then said bye. I walked into class and sat down. I’m sure the teacher yelled at me but I didn’t care. I was not worried about that.

Instead, I found myself thinking of Jaden, and how lucky I was to know him. I would never have been the person I am now if not for him. Before, I rarely spoke a single word, but with him I said much more than I even intended to. Though I didn’t talk to others very much, I was definitely different. Now, I could say for sure that it was a good different. I had no doubt that I could face my past. Even if I was not strong enough before, I would be strong enough now.

Even if Bunny was right, even if I really had tried to kill myself before, I was not that person anymore. I had been given a second chance and I was not about to waste it. I was not going to make the same mistake again. It was time for me to stop running from the inevitable. My past was not going to disappear if I just ignored it, and I had learned that today through Kelly.

It was time for me to face my past head on… even if I suffered.