The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

I walked up to Tammy as she was getting her books from her locker. "Tammy." I called out, just as she slammed her locker shut. She looked at me, surprised. "Can we talk?"

"Ofcourse.” She said softly and we began to walk out. Everyone was leaving as well, so it was a bit crowded. The entire way to the park, neither of us said a word. But, it wasn’t awkward at all. That was the thing about Tammy, around her it was easy to be quiet and it was easy to talk. I was lucky to have a friend like her and I knew it. Tammy always accepted me for who I was. It amazed me that I used to ignore her, that I didn’t consider her a friend. However, nothing I did ever made her falter. She was an honest and kind person.

When we reached the park, we sat down and Tammy began talking about random things, waiting until I was ready. “Tammy,” I finally said, “I want to talk to you about something… It’s about what Kelly said and what I remembered. She… she told me about… my… parents.” I managed to say. However, as I spoke, suddenly I wasn’t sitting on the bench anymore. I was that little girl again, only 7 years old, in this memory that had been haunting me ever since I remembered it…

Someone put their arm around my shoulder... Tammy? Her face was blurry, but I knew she was my age. “Let’s sing Mr. Sun! Remember! It goes, Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, Please shine down on me!” the person said as we swayed.

“Ok, this is your stop.” The mom that was driving said as she stopped in front of a house. The two of us got out and walked to the door. The door was large and white, but the doorknob had red splatters on it and it was open. Mommy and Daddy never left the door open…

“M-Marie…Wh-What’s that?” the girl behind me said.

“D-Don’t worry.” I mumbled back. “Just stay behind me, okay? Hold onto my shirt.”

“I’m s-scared...”

“Remember what the teacher told you in class. She said if you are scared, just close your eyes and every thing will be okay.” I tried to say happily.

“Yes. I remember… “ I could hear her start to whimper. I had to do something.

“I know. How about you sing that song again? The one with the sun? I don’t forgot it…” I tried to sound silly.

“M-M-Mr. S-S-Sun, S-Sun, M-M-M-Mr. G-Golden S-Sun…” She whispered as she gripped me tightly and I opened the door.

“M-Mommy.” I whispered as we walked inside. The girl behind me kept singing.

“P-Please sh-shine down on m-me.” She sang into my ear. The whole house was a mess. Mommy and Daddy were going to be so mad.

“You stay here, ok?” I whispered as I turned to face the girl.

“N-No…” she cried. “P-Please M-Marie.”

“I-I have to quickly see if anyone’s here. Just close your eyes okay? And sing loudly so I c-can hear it…” I said as I let her go. After a moment she let me go too and nodded. She closed her eyes and sang softly but it slowly got louder. I quickly checked the rooms downstairs and the last one was Daddy’s office. I walked in, but there was nothing, so I walked back out. Then, however, I noticed something. I went back into Daddy’s room and walked to his desk slowly. The girl was still singing loudly. “Please shine down on me!”

Suddenly, I saw Daddy on the floor. He was covered in this red stuff. “D-Daddy…” I whispered, but he didn’t respond. “DADDY!” I called out louder, but then I remembered the girl. I had to be quiet or she would get scared. “Daddy!” I whispered once more as I leaned down next to him. I tried shaking him and hugging him but Daddy didn’t move. My face was all wet from crying, when I realized the girl wasn’t singing. I called out her name but she didn’t respond. I wiped my tears and completey dried my face. I had to hide my tears. I couldn't cry. I had to be STRONG ... for her. Quickly I ran back to the front door, and I saw her staring to her right, towards the kitchen… There was a hand on the floor but the rest of the body was hidden. The girl’s eyes were wide, and I hugged her tightly. I knew who it was… It could only be one person… Mommy. I tried not to make a sound, but suddenly there was a loud, piercing scream...

I was staring down at my hands, the hands that had gotten covered in blood from hugging my dad. The hands that had tried to comfort the little girl… that had tried to comfort Tammy. “They didn’t die in a car accident. They… they were killed… somebody… somebody robbed the house and I … I went home and I saw them… I found them… We found them…” I mumbled.

Suddenly Tammy was hugging me. “I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t want to lie… I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Tammy kept repeating over and over again. I could feel her tears soak my shirt, but I didn’t care.

Instead, I was still staring at my hands. My bloody hands. Actually saying it had hurt much more than I expected. At least, if I didn’t tell Tammy and she didn’t admit it was true there was always a chance that it wasn’t. But now I knew for sure. Now I knew how my parents had really died. How much they had probably suffered. The real reason they didn’t make it to my school performance. It was not their fault… It was not my fault… Tammy kept crying, and I kept sitting there, feeling completely empty. I felt numb… nothing hurt and I couldn’t feel the wetness of my shirt nor the grief that Tammy was feeling. There was nothing at all. I had REALLY hoped it was a lie. I had placed so much hope on it, and that was why I was able to keep it hidden.

At some point, we had walked home, but I didn’t remember. At some point I had eaten dinner, but all I remembered was going to bed… Everything seemed so insignificant… Did the world not feel it? The loss of two wonderful people? Did it matter so little that I was able to forget it all? Even if it was traumatic, it had happened. Was I so weak that I repressed it? Why? THIS MADE NO SENSE.

I didn’t shed a single tear, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t mourning. It sounds strange, but I felt like I had lost them all over again. Before, I could tell myself that it wasn’t real. I had never seen their graves nor had I witnessed the accident. However, now I had seen them, and it was awful. Every time I closed my eyes I could see them again. Can you imagine that? Having to see the same empty eyes of your parents every time you blink? They kept staring at me in the most horrid of ways. It was hard to eat or sleep. I didn’t realize how absent minded I had become. Tammy and her family gave me space however. They knew I needed some time just to… comprehend this… Comprehend what I had witnessed… What Tammy had also witnessed. Jaden kept close to me, though. Every time I flinched, I would also suddenly feel the warmth of his hand wrapping mine.

“That’s it.” I heard Jaden mumble.

I looked at him curiously. He was still holding my hand as we walked home. Tammy had stayed at school today because she had some club work to do. “wh-what’s wrong?” I mumbled back.

“You’re coming with me. It’s Friday, and you need to get out.”

“I’m fine.”

Jaden sighed. “You’re eyes are red…”

Unconsciously, I reached for my eyes. “I didn’t sleep well.” I mumbled as I sighed as well.

“Also, do you have any plans for today?” he smiled, and I felt my whole body get warmer. I hadn’t realized I was cold. That was the problem. When you get used to something, you don’t know that it’s abnormal. I was so used to my way of life before Jaden came. He changed what I considered normal… and though I had said it was for the best, I couldn’t be sure. Could I go back to how my life was before? Suddenly, the warmth was gone… But now I KNEW that I was cold.

“Ye-” I was about to say I did, though I knew that sleeping probably wasn’t the kind of plan he was talking about. However, the look he gave me stopped from continuing. “N-No.” I mumbled reluctantly.

“Great, then you can come with me. Lexi, Rin, Chris, and Nate said they’d kill me if I didn’t bring you with me to dinner tonight.” He laughed at the memory. “Then we can head right over there… We’ll be a bit early but if I call them… they might be able to make it around the time we do…” I nodded, but then I stopped, and so did Jaden. “What’s wrong?” He asked, confused.

I was suddenly a bit embarrassed to tell him, so I looked down. “We-Well… Last time, they cut my hair… and, they… gave me such a pretty dress… so, I mean… if I go like this… I don’t want to hurt their feelings… so could I… umm , maybe go to Tammy’s and get dressed…” I managed to finally say. I couldn’t go like this. I was just wearing a large sweatshirt with worn out jeans. I felt guilty, after they worked so hard to make me look pretty.

Jaden pulled my chin up so that I was looking at him, and I hoped he didn’t see the emptiness in them. I knew it was there. I could feel it. “Of course.” He smiled. He continued to hold my hand as we walked to Tammy’s house. When we reached there I rang the door bell. The door opened and it was… Tammy?

“Tammy? I thought you were… at school?” I was a bit surprised.

“Oh… uhh… they let us out… early.” She said as she laughed nervously. Then I understood. They had set me up on purpose.

Jaden smiled widely. “We’re here because Marie wants to dress-up for dinner.”

Tammy’s smile was almost bigger than Jaden’s. “REALLY? MARIE! REALLY! Well, then! Let’s go!” Tammy laughed as she pulled me up the stairs. “BUT! Boys are not allowed upstairs so stay down there!” she said through giggles.

After closing the door she looked at me. If I didn’t know her better I would have said she looked crazy. “So what do you want to do?”

“I… I don’t know.” I responded.

“Perfect.” Her smile once again became very large. “Then I’LL decide.” She said as she walked towards me.

As she was about to look through her closet, I spoke. “Anything except red.” I blurted out, accidentally. Tammy looked at me sadly. I looked away from her. I didn’t mean to do this. I didn’t mean to make her sad. Nothing hurt more than seeing the people I loved look so sad, especially when it was my fault. Tammy held both sides of my face and turned me to face her.

“Sure!” she said with a smile. “Now, Let’s get started.”

After spending an hour complaining about how I should leave my hair open more because it had been cut very well, as well as a lot of screaming from me as well as her, I was finally ready. It had taken almost forty minutes. My hair was in light curls, which looked really pretty from what I could see. I was wearing a dress Tammy had bought me which was light green. My shoes were beige-ish or peach-ish in color but
I wasn’t sure what the real color was. They were heels, so I moved a bit slowly down the stairs. I hadn’t had the opportunity to see how I looked, but I looked at Jaden as he smiled softly. His smile was one of those smiles, that tended to make my stomach do a somersault. When I finally reached him, he held my hand gently.

“You look AMAZING.” He whispered in my ear. “Would you like to see?” I nodded my head and he led me to a mirror. I couldn’t believe it. The girl in the mirror didn’t even look like me. It was just like the last time I wore a dress… It felt like… magic. The girl in the mirror was so pretty. “Maybe a bit too amazing…” I thought I heard Jaden mumble.

“Didn’t I tell you! She looks PERFECT.” Tammy smiled as she wrapped her arms around me. “Now, you better take good care of her. I won’t forgive you if she’s hurt.”Tammy said as she pouted.

“I promise that she’s in good hands.” Jaden smiled back at Tammy.

“Then you two have fun.” Tammy smiled at me.

“Wait, Tammy you could come with us.” I said.

“Nahhh, I’m not feeling well.”

“Oh… then maybe we shouldn’t go… We could-” I began to say. It didn’t feel right to leave her alone.

“No! I’ll be fine! You guys just get going!” she said as she pushed us towards the door.

“Shall we get going, Miss.” Jaden said politely.

“Um. Y-yes.” I responded, surprised by how he was talking.

He put his arm around my waist lightly as we walked outside. I thought we were going to walk to the restaurant, and I was dreading it, especially walking in heels. “Don’t worry.” Jaden laughed. “We’re not walking.” He said as we walked down the driveway to a black sports car.

“Where did you…”

“It’s a secret.” Jaden smiled. “But don’t worry it wasn’t illegally.” He said as he opened the passenger seat door. I tried to look steady though I was really starting to dislike heels.

“Thank you.” I said as I got in.

“You’re welcome.” He responded. He closed the door and quickly turned away. I thought his cheeks looked a bit red. When he sat in the driver’s seat, however, he was composed… I could have just imagined it…

As we began driving Jaden explained the change in plans. “Well, we decided to meet up somewhere else.” Jaden smiled. “It’s a little bit of a drive… but I think you’ll like it.” He glanced at me, and I nodded.

“So, I have a question for you?” Jaden smiled, and I knew what he was doing.

“Only if you answer some as well.” I said in return, as I had answered before.

“Fair enough. Then, I’ll start.” Jaden chuckled a bit. “What’s your favorite animal?”

“I like dogs…” I finally said.

“I had a feeling.” Jaden smiled. “And what would you like to know?”

“Where are we going?” I asked.

Jaden looked at me and smiled. “That’s cheating…”

“I don’t remember that being specified in the rules.” I responded.

After arguing over the rules as well as talking about other stuff, we reached the restaurant. Jaden parked the car. It was raining. After both of us sighed he looked at me. “It’s my turn right?” He asked, and I nodded. “Then… my question is… How do you feel about me?” He asked and his voice sounded different. I looked into his eyes, and there wasn’t a playful expression. He was serious. He just stared at me, and I didn’t know how to respond. What should I say? His stare seemed to get deeper, and I just stared back at him. How DID I feel? I wasn’t sure. After what seemed like forever, he finally smiled playfully. “I’m just kidding.” He laughed, but the air felt so thick. “Just wait a second and I’ll come around with my umbrella. He opened his umbrella and walked around the car. After opening the door and insisting I put on his jacket, we went inside.

The restaurant was quite fancy. We walked inside and were led by a waiter to where Jaden’s friends were already waiting. When they saw us, Lexi was the first one to get up.

“MARIE!!! God you look HOT!” She smiled as she hugged me. “We’ve missed you so much! Jaden just keeps you all to himself, doesn’t he.” She said as she looked at Jaden.

“N-No. Not at all.” I said a bit too loudly, and the others laughed. I hadn’t realized that Nate was standing as well. He was right next to Lexi, almost immediately.

“It’s nice to meet you again, Miss…” Nate said formally.

“No, please. Just Marie is fine.” I said as I shook his hand. I hadn’t realized how tall he was.

“Marie, then.” Nate said with a small smile. Chris came over and politely shook my hand, and even Rin said ‘hi’ politely. All of them complimented my dress, and I was glad that I wore it. Almost immediately after that, everyone was talking loudly over each other as well as with each other. It was really noisy, which suddenly made me feel a bit claustrophobic again, but Jaden squeezed my hand.

“Is this too much?” He asked worriedly.

“No. I’m… I’m having fun.” I said, and I was. I had never been with such a large group before for dinner, and never with such a loud bunch. However, all of them were very kind and were very sure to include me in the conversation often. I also really liked the restaurant, because everything was vegetarian. There were so many options to choose from. We chose a couple items to share and then Lexi, Rin, and I went to the bathroom after Lexi insisted.

“This is SO MUCH FUN, isn’t it?” she said as we entered the restroom. Rin began fixing her make-up as Lexi washed her hands. “We are really happy you came, Marie! We have been begging Jaden to bring you with him when we meet!” She smiled. “So don’t be afraid to call any of us up either, alrighty? We’re all friends now.”

“She’s right.” Rin said quietly. “If you need anything at all, don’t be afraid to ask.”

“Thank you for being so kind. It… means a lot.” I said.

“No worries.” Both of them said as they smiled at me. After talking for a little bit we went back to our table and the food had arrived. We ate and then had desserts, which was just an excuse to sit around for a bit longer. The food was delicious and I was honestly full after so much of it. Everything seemed to move a bit quickly after that, probably because I was tired. As soon as I got back into the car after saying goodbye, I could barely keep my eyes open.

“Jaden…” I mumbled trying to talk past the haze created by my sleepiness.

“Yes…” Jaden said softly as he softly moved my hair out of my face.

“I…I just… to…”

“Shh…” Jaden said quietly. “You’re tired. Got to sleep. We can talk later.”

My eyes quickly betrayed me and I fell asleep, unable to say what I had really wanted to say to him.

Thank you, Jaden…