The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

My stomach felt full from eating so much, but it tasted so good. It was extremely delicious. I whispered thank you once I was done, and excused myself. I then went to the bathroom after getting my clothes and I took a shower. The shower was painful. When the water hit my back, directly on the cuts from when Father whipped me, I could barely stand. After washing up, I got out and examined my back. I put a few bandages where I was still bleeding, and then put on my new clothes. As I walked out, I ran into Jaden, who was standing in front of me. Instinctively, I covered the bloody tank top, so he wouldn’t see it.

“Are you okay?” he said. I nodded and then went around him to my room.

I realized this was wrong. I shouldn’t talk to him. I shouldn’t answer his questions so easily. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. My hopes that there’s some place in this world that was made for me. Somewhere that was happy and peaceful. But that was silly. I knew what the reality was. I knew where I belonged. I knew what the rest of my life would be like. HE could not do anything. HE doesn’t even know anything. When God hasn’t helped me how could HE? It wasn’t possible, and once he left, he wouldn’t remember me, or the things he thought he saw. It will all be a memory which maybe blows through his mind, making him question, but he would then let it go, as the gentle breeze passed. As I lay in bed, he began speaking behind me.

“Want to watch some tv?” he asked gently. I turned and shook my head. I wasn’t allowed to watch tv, or walk around the house more than what was required. “You’re not going to talk?” I could hear the evil intent in his voice. “Fine, you won’t mind this then.” As he said this, I felt his finger pressing against my back. Every time he pressed part of the cuts, it stung so much. I kept my fists clenched, and then suddenly, my head was lifted off the bed, and I was facing him. “I’m sorry. That was mean.” He whispered.

I didn’t know what was going on. He was the only person who confused me so much. I could even feel my eyes widen a bit. What was this? How was he doing this? But more importantly, why was he doing this? I couldn’t feel. I didn’t want to feel. Why was he making me feel, then? What had I done to deserve to be punished? My life was already difficult, I didn’t need my emotions. I had already lost them. Lost them on that cold day. The day when I lost everything, yet not a single tear fell. The day that I lost my will. The day I truly learned what suffering was, and what true pain was. I survived only because I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t cry when it hurt, or smile when it was joyful.

“Let’s go watch tv.” Jaden said, bringing me back from falling in the hole that I stood over, balancing on a thin log. The log was getting thinner though, and I knew, the log would disappear if I felt once more. If I could once more smile or frown, I knew my life would end. But Jaden didn’t see that. How could he see that. That I was the one who locked myself in the cold little box. I was the one with the key, and I was the one that was trapped. I had created the box, and left the frightened little me to starve in it, to die so that I would have to deal with it n more. So that I would live. So that I could continue my life. I didn’t realize that I had been dragged to the couch, till I fell onto it. Jaden turned on the tv, to some show I had never seen. Then again, I hadn’t really watched any shows, except for those for children.

As we watched, my worst nightmare seemed to come to life. Mother returned, and found me on the couch, watching tv with Jaden. “Marie! What are you doing?” she said, her voice rising a pitch, to show her anger. I looked back, and I was afraid. I knew what was going to happen.

“I’m sorry.” I said as I stood up. I pulled on the sleeves of my long sleeve shirt, as if I could disappear under it if I just covered my hands completely.

“Whose idea was this?” She asked, with a smile, though I could see her anger.

Jaden was about to speak, but I spoke first. “I-it was mine. I-I’m sorry Moth-“

“Don’t you call me that!” She said in my ear as she pulled me upstairs. Jaden just stood confused as to what happened, as Candy began to talk to him. She had just come home with Mother.

“Hi! Can Jaden play with Candy?” I heard her ask. And that was the last thing I heard before the room door closed, and I was alone with Mother.

Mother slapped me across the face. “What have I told you about putting you dirty body on my furniture! You worthless bloody little ingrate!” She screamed. “And on top of that, you were watching our television! You brat! If you’re fine, go clean the house.” She said slapping me once more. “I will have to tell David about this!”

I couldn’t help being afraid. I had never been beaten so much in just a few days. I knew I deserved it, but I had nowhere else he could beat me. I was covered in bruises and cuts that needed to heal. “M-Moth-“ I started and stopped after seeing her glare, “Please don’t tell him. P-p-please.”

“Fine. “ she smiled. “All you have to do is one simple thing. At dinner, tell Jaden that you hate him and that he is worthless and naïve. You disgust me…Tell him that to his face.” her smile broadened. As I swallowed, I thought I felt a lump in my throat. Why was that? I knew it wasn’t there, yet I felt it. My stomach even began to ache. I didn’t get what was happening. “If you understand, then nod and leave. I need to sleep.” She growled. I nodded and left the room, heading straight to mine, when I heard Jaden and Candy speaking.

“Marie? Marie is very nice. Mary always protects me. She is my friend, and I’m her little Bunny!” I heard her angelic giggle, so sweet and soft.

“How does she protect you?” I heard his voice.

I heard Candy lower her voice, “Well, like before, Marie took the blame for dropping her fork…But Mama and Papa didn’t know that it was my fork! Marie didn’t want little Bunny to get yelled at. Marie doesn’t like when that happens. She doesn’t want anyone to get in trouble. Marie likes it when Bunny is happy. But, now I have to stop, because Marie told Bunny to not tell anyone. I don’t want to hurt Marie. I can tell when she’s hurt.” Her last sentence surprised me. What did she mean? What did she see?

“How can you tell?” he said to her.

“Because I can. Can’t you see it too? Don’t you see Marie’s smile!” she giggled. “She smiles at me a lot but no one sees Marie’s smile.” Her voice lowered a bit. “Bunny doesn’t know why, but Bunny smiles for Marie, but don’t tell mama, okay.” How could she see anything? Why didn’t I know? She’s a child…She’s probably joking. She sees what she wants, I tried to convince myself. It wasn’t possible. She couldn’t see anything. There wasn’t anything to see. I was empty. I had locked up myself in the box perfectly. There was nothing there to see in me.

Ignoring the conversation that I just heard, I went to my room and slept. I woke up around 8 at night, and I could tell that dinner was ready. It was time. Time for me to tell Jaden how I felt. To tell him I hate him. He would never speak to me again. He would leave me alone. Isn’t that what I wanted? To stop him from trying to light a candle in me that was a fake, and would never light? My stomach began to ache more, and I didn’t get why. I wasn’t hungry, or even thirsty. Then why did it hurt as if I was being punched in the stomach again and again? I heard Father call my name, so I left the room. I had always been an excellent liar. I had told so many. They didn’t hurt me. I don’t care if my lies distance people from me. I don’t mind. I am a cold person. I have nothing to give or share with anyone else. I’m selfish.

I walked up to my seat and sat down. As I pulled my seat forward, I hit the table a bit, and knew that I would be punished later. “Sorry.” I said, my voice coming out smaller than usual. Everyone else began to talk, and I listened, while eating the parts of rice that were not touching the meat.

“Jaden, we really love your company. Right, David.” Mother said, as father nodded.

“Candy likes Jaden! Jaden played horsey with Candy!” Candy giggled.

Mother then looked at me. It was time. “How about you Marie? Don’t you have something to say?” Mother smiled as she whispered the words under her breath. I had barely started eating.

I looked up at Jaden. I looked at him in the eye for a second, but then looked away. Why couldn’t I say it to his face? I had to. For me. I looked at him again. “I hate you. You are worthless and naïve. You disgust me. “ I said. Everyone on the table stopped chewing and it was silent. Jaden looked at me, and I couldn’t tell what I saw on his face. Was he angry? Hurt? Confused? All I could do was hope it worked. Hope he understood that he shouldn’t get involved. Finally, after a few seconds Father spoke loudly.

“Marie! Apologize! Then go to your room! No dinner for you for 3 days!” He stated sternly muttering the last part only loud enough for me to hear.

“Sorry.” I said with my head down, as I left the table. As I walked away I could hear Mother.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassed. Don’t take it personally. Marie has always been like that. She hates everyone. Why, she even is often mean to Candy! We just don’t know what to do with her and her attitude!”

I walked into my room and fell on the bed. It hurt. It hurt a lot. My voice felt hoarse, so I didn’t try to speak. But it hurt so much. It must be my back that’s causing the pain. Yes, that’s what hurts. That’s why my insides feel crushed. That is the only thing. There is nothing else. Because I am a girl who can’t feel. I don’t feel joy or hate or any other pointless emotion. The only pain I feel is that from injuries. Nothing can touch me. Nothing.