I'm Scared

"Tell me this," I said, watching Leslie get ready for her date with Jon. "How many tests have I had in chemistry in my first month of university?"

TJ was coming over to study for yet another test.

Leslie turned away from the mirror, mascara wand in hand. She squinted at me, then turned back to the mirror.

"I don't know...100?"

I sighed. "Close. Five," I corrected. "Five chemistry tests in a month, Leslie!" I groaned and fell back on my bed.

"Technically, you've only done four so far," Leslie pointed out. She grinned and I sat up, glaring at her. "Do I look okay?"

My expression faded and I smiled. "Beauty, as always. Lucky Jon."

Leslie scoffed. "Lucky TJ. I see you're wearing makeup."

I blushed. "I thought I only put on a bit..." 

Leslie laughed. "Chill, girl. You look natural. Only another girl could tell." I sighed with relief. She squinted at me and nodded. "Yeah, you have the natural makeup look going on. You're ugly without any makeup on."

I scowled and threw her purse at her. She caught it, laughing. "He saw me when I was sick, Leslie. He might as well have seen me naked."

Leslie burst into giggles. "Don't you dare get naked with that boy anytime soon," she warned, trying to keep a straight face.

"Don't worry," I assured her. She nodded and I waved as she headed out.

The knock on the door that ensued moments later caused my heart to race. I looked up from where I had been looking at my notes and called, "It's open."

TJ appeared in the doorway and smiled. I smiled back and he came over and sat on the bed. I rolled over to face him.

"How was practice?"

"Good."

"Thats good. Ready to put some of that effort into studying?"

TJ sighed. "I guess so."

I laughed and he pulled out his notes. He fell back on the bed and groaned. I looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm so tired."

I smiled and patted his knee. "Come on, dear Timothy."

He sat up and pouted. I rolled my eyes. I was about to start in on the work when TJ spoke up again. 

"Why do girls wear makeup?"

I blushed. He had noticed, and he knew I was trying to look good in front of him. 

"Huh?"

TJ shrugged. "I saw some girl today who was wearing so much makeup. I just don't see why girls think they need it. I mean..." he looked at me and smiled. I had no idea where he was going with this. "I saw you without makeup before and you looked good..." he trailed off and I blushed. 

"Thanks," I replied softly. "I don't know. We're all really insecure," I laughed lightly.

TJ sighed. "Crazy females."

"Yeah, that's the formula for that compound," I declared, looking over TJ's shoulder at his notes. I was lying on the end of my bed and TJ was on the floor with his back against the bed. 

He frowned, and flipped through his notes to a different page. "So this is the formula for the other one, then?"

I shook my head and reached my right hand down, resting it on TJ's shoulder as I flipped his book back a couple of pages. I pointed to the correct page and TJ grew silent, reading it over.
"Got it?" I asked, and he nodded. "So this is for the second one, and the first page you were on is for the first one." 

Without thinking, my left hand reached down past TJ's other shoulder, attempting to flip back to the other page. I didn't get very far when I realized my position. I felt my cheeks grow hot as his blue eyes met mine, his head turning to the right. I instinctively pulled my arms away, mumbling an apology, but let out a gasp as TJ grabbed my right hand with his left, pulling me back towards him slightly and turning his upper body so that we were face to face. His lips met mine so gently, so quickly that I barely felt it; but I knew it had happened. I knew because no matter how much I tried to deny it, I had thought about kissing TJ Oshie many times before, and even if it had only been for a second, I had touched his lips and I knew it. I could feel chills shoot up my spine as we pulled apart. The suddenness of the kiss and the emotion that came with it scared me, causing me to yank my hand away and sit up straight. 

My fingers flew to my lips and I sat there in shock. I heard movement and my head snapped up. TJ had picked up his things and was moving towards the door. I panicked.

"TJ?"

He paused with his hand on the doorknob, turning to meet my eyes for a brief second. "Sorry." His voice came out quiet, and I knew I had hurt him by pulling away. TJ was never quiet unless  he was upset or if he had something on his mind. 

"TJ..."

"I get it." And with that, he pulled open the door and disappeared into the hallway.

I sat there, staring at the door, for what seemed like hours, willing him to come back.

I winced as I replayed the scenario in my head over and over. I had pulled away as though he had some sort of communicable disease, as though the thought of kissing him was repulsive. 
But I knew I had wanted to kiss him. 

It had been the suddenness, the way he was looking at me...

I was terrified. I was terrified that I was in over my head with feelings for TJ Oshie.

***
The next day, TJ came to class just as the bell rang. We didn't have time to exchange one word; I had a feeling that had been his plan. I wasn't sure how I felt about that; on one hand, it was weird not talking, but on the other, the conversation that might have played out might have been worse than not talking at all.

I decided that I needed to talk to him. I didn't know what I would say, but I knew I had to say something.

After class, TJ stood up abruptly and left the class. I grabbed my bags and hurried after him. I caught up to him on the path outside the building, reaching for his arm.
"TJ," I said softly. He turned towards me, his eyes on my hand. I quickly removed it and tucked a piece of hair behind my ears. "Do you think you passed?"

His eyes met mine. He seemed surprised for a minute before replying, "Yeah." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Look..." he paused, looking at the sky, then back to my eyes. "Don't do this, Emmaline. Just tell me you don't like me." His eyes bore into mine and I felt a lump growing in my throat.

"If I told you that I didn't like you, I'd be lying," I whispered softly, my eyes falling to the ground. 

"I'm officially confused."

I let out a heavy sigh. "This scares me. You scare me," I whispered. "I'm scared, TJ. I just... I can't."

I turned on my heel and walked away as quickly as I could, not daring to look behind me.