Back To December

The box that had been placed in my hands had clearly been wrapped by hand by someone who was not very experienced or talented with wrapping paper. The corners were slightly ripped, yet had been covered in tape to try and hide the flaws in the wrapping. A giant blue bow that clashed with the red and green wrapping paper had been placed on top in hopes to distract from the poor condition the present was in. This was the same kind of box I would receive every year from Erik, and his wrapping skills never improved. He was fiercely independent and would refuse help from any one, but it had just been one of his many quirks I had fallen in love with.

This year, for the first time in the 4 years we had been together, I didn't immediately tear apart the paper to get to the present on the inside. My actions went completely unnoticed by Erik, as this was also the first time in our 4 year relationship that we hadn't had our romantic Christmas Eve gift exchange. Normally, Erik and I would get together on Christmas Eve to exchange our gifts alone because it seemed so much more personal to me.

However, this year it seemed Erik had forgotten about our tradition as I showed up at his parent's house in Orleans, Ontario, just down the street from my own, to find almost all of his high school friends there as well devouring pizza and playing video games. A few of his cousins and his younger brothers were there as well, and a couple gifts were exchanged, but that was it. Erik had forgotten and our routine was mangled and overlooked as the box was thrust into my hands while he listened to one of his friends tell an obnoxiously loud joke through a mouthful of pizza.

Erik didn't even notice when I didn't hand him a gift back, or even seem to care for that matter. I set the untouched box on the table next to the couch where we were both seated, leaving it there to be forgotten about completely.

It seemed that this was a common theme in Erik and I's relationship over the past few months. Ever since he had left to return to Kingston to play for the Frontenacs in September, Erik had seemed to put our relationship on the back burner. Leaving an angry girl alone to think was never a good idea, but with Erik gone and phone calls from him a rare occurrence I had optimal time to pick apart every flaw in not only him, but our relationship as well.

He'd have the odd day off here and there, and he'd drive back to see his family mostly. Occasionally, he'd come down the street to see me, because I was always here. It was what he expected of me.

Erik didn't actually need me as a girlfriend, he just needed someone to be there. One person to wait on him hand and foot whenever he thought it was needed. Never did I receive anything in return, except this annually poorly wrapped Christmas present. Anniversaries were spent cooking him his favourite home made meals, which were usually interrupted by his friends showing up halfway through dinner. I had always told myself that it was just typical of him because he's a guy, but now he was a few weeks shy of his 18th birthday, and he needed to grow up.

I inspected my freshly painted finger nails, as Erik eventually left me alone on the couch to move closer to the television. Spending my Christmas Eve watching my boyfriend and his friends play NHL 09 was definitely not what I had been expecting when I had arrived at the Gudbranson household a few hours earlier.

Nevertheless, I couldn't leave because I had to be here for Erik as per usual.

I had always been there. I had been the one to hold his hand as he got his first tattoo. Discreetly, of course, since some of his Frontenac teammates had tagged along and he didn't want them to know just how much it was hurting him. I had been the best friend and the shoulder to lean on through his youngest brother's battle with leukemia. I had been there when he had contracted mono earlier in the year and missed nearly 30 games. I had been such a good girlfriend, I hadn't even asked where he had contracted mononucleosis from.

Crossing my arms bitterly over my chest, I watched the clock slowly tick away until the room began to eventually clear out of people. As the last few friends trickled out of the Gudbrandon living room, Erik rejoined me on the couch, offering me a quick kiss as he rested his arm on the back of the couch behind me.

"You never opened your present!" He noticed, spotting the box with the obnoxious blue bow still sitting on the table next to us.

"Sorry, didn't know we were now opening presents with the entire town here to watch." I didn't realize just how upset I was until the words came flying out of my mouth. Erik stared at me for a second, before the corners of his mouth turned down into the slightest of frowns.

He brushed off my words as he reached for the box, and placed it back into my lap. "Well open it now!"

I could see the confusion begin to form on his face as he registered that I had not yet given him a gift, nor was I holding one for him. "I'd rather not, Erik." I replied weakly, gently moving the box back onto the floor.

"What's going on, Ray?" He let his arm lazily fall to his side from where it had been resting on the couch, as I turned to face him fully. "Are we not exchanging gifts or something this year?"

I had planned on buying Erik a gift, and I even had looked at prices online of the new Gongshow Hockey sweater he had been hinting towards wanting. But the more time I spent away from him, the more I realized that I desperately needed more out of this relationship. And I knew Erik just didn't have the time to give me the kind of relationship I needed, and I just couldn't do this anymore. Every time I would try to buy a gift, it would always just appear as a pity gift, a present in exchange of me walking out on our wonderful four years spent together.

"I didn't want to do this Christmas Eve, Erik." I began to explain. He just nodded his head, and it occurred to me he still believe I was talking about presents. "But I guess you just didn't have time for me when you came home for the break. And even tonight, I feel like spending time with your girlfriend was last priority."

"Rachel, you know I didn't mean to do that on purpose! It's just I haven't seen these guys in forever. You can't hate me for wanting to hang out with my friends once in awhile." He let out a small laugh, running his left hand through his messy dark hair.

"I think that's exactly it, Erik. You don't mean to, but you keep putting me last. That's not what I'm looking for in a boyfriend."

He reached out to grab ahold of my hand, but I pulled away, lowering my gaze to my lap. "I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, Ray, I really am. I'll try harder for you."

I had been practising this speech in my head so many times, but as I tried to actually form the words my throat dried up. "No, Erik, I think it's over." My voice came out scratchy as I finally managed to choke the words out. I kept my eyes glued to my lap, I didn't have the strength to even look at Erik right now.

"Rachel, you're just upset right now." His own voice came out hoarse, and I knew him well enough to know he was probably biting down hard on his bottom lip in an effort to stop his eyes from watering any further. "Let's not say things we don't mean."

I stood from the couch as I shook my head. "I'm really sorry, Erik. You know I love you, I just can't do this anymore." I tried to wipe away the tears that were now rapidly falling. "You should have known I wasn't always going to be here."

_______________

After finally graduating high school, I wanted nothing more than to leave my small Ottawa suburb and get as far away from this city and everything it reminded me of as possible. I landed myself a spot at McGill University in Montreal, and moved out as soon as possible.

Since leaving Erik on Christmas Eve, I had yet to see the tall brunette, and his brother informed me he rarely returned home anymore. He had decided to stay with his billets in Kingston for the remainder of the school year instead of transferring back to the high school we had once attended together. Once school had ended, he was in Los Angeles for the NHL entry draft, and then spent the remainder of his summer in Florida with his brand new NHL team.

Returning back to school after the break, everyone was shocked to learn that Erik and I's flawless relationship had in fact ended. When two people have been together since they were 13, people eventually get so used to them being together that the idea of them ever breaking up is completely unheard of.

The remainder of my final year of high school was absolutely horrible. Just a few weeks after I had broken his heart, Erik's birthday rolled around and it took everything in me not to call him and go crying to him about how I was just being stupid and I had made a huge mistake. At that point in time, I was trying desperately to convince myself that what I had done was for the better, and that it would all get better in time.

Except, it never got better with time. What I had done was stupid, and I had made a huge mistake.

High school had been the greatest years of my life, but without Erik by my side, it felt completely different and I didn't know what to do with myself. Senior skip days were spent by alone, usually tearfully curled up in my bed. There was no one there on bad days to tell me how beautiful I was. I had overlooked the small things Erik did for me, when they should have meant the world to me.

There had been no one there to take me to prom, and no reason for me to even go to prom. I had tried dress shopping, but every time I would pull a dress from the rack, the rich fabrics would just remind me that I was doing this all alone. I was alone because I had decided to be selfish and shatter the heart of the one person who cared for me.

I had decided against returning home for Thanksgiving this year, enjoying the Erik-free atmosphere that Montreal provided me with. My parents both understood, as they were just as heartbroken that I had shut Erik out of my life so suddenly. I was told that returning home for Christmas was mandatory, and that since Erik had been named to Team Canada for the World Junior Championship he wouldn't be home either.

The few days I had been home so far were uneventful, as I kept to myself in my room. Even the smallest of things brought back too many memories of Erik, and I preferred to keep to myself in my room where I had hidden every little thing that I could somehow link to any member of the Gudbranson family.

It was Christmas Eve when my phone went off as I watched old Christmas movies on my laptop. Halfway through A Christmas Story, I decided to check my phone only to discover it was a text from Alex, Erik's younger brother. We had spoken a few times since Erik and I had ended, but all he would tell me was how miserable Erik was without me and it would break my heart even more.

I had to reread the text message from him a few times as I tried to understand what he was saying. He had to be lying to me.

His text informed me that Erik had been granted permission to return home for the night since Team Canada didn't play until the 26th. He was home, only a few houses away, and according to Alex, was dying to see me.

It was a quick debate in my mind as to what I should do. A little part of me screamed at me to stay home because I needed to get over Erik for good, but I disregarded it as I threw on my winter jacket and boots before racing down the stairs. I informed my mother on the way out the door that I was going to see Erik. She made no motion to stop me and I took that as a sign that I was doing the right thing.

I cut across our neighbours front lawns and skipped up the steps onto the front porch. As I knocked rapidly at the front door of the Gudbranson home, it dawned on me that I hadn't actually thought of what I was going to say. Erik's mother, Donna, was the one to answer the door. A huge smile broke out on her face as she ushered me inside.

"Oh, Erik will be so glad to see you. Wait right here and I'll go and get him!" She hesitated for a moment, and it looked as though she was debating as to whether to pull me into a hug or not, but she soon disappeared into the other room. I shoved my hands into my pockets as I glanced around the foyer I was standing in, noticing that nothing had changed since I had last been here a year ago.

Erik appeared in the doorway that Donna had disappeared into just moments earlier, stopping in his tracks when he saw me. "Rachel?"

"Hi." Was all I managed to come up with. Just having him in the same room as me was enough to make me want to burst into tears, and it was taking every ounce of strength left in me to try and hold myself together. "Alex told me you were home for the night."

He scratched at the back of his head, something I knew he only did when he was nervous. "Uhh.. yeah. Coach gave me permission to come back and see the family."

I just nodded, unsure of what to say next. I had contemplated just blurting out that I still loved him, but I wasn't sure how well that one would go over. Alex had said he wanted to see me, but that could have just meant he was ready to put the past behind us and try and be friends.

He was chewing in his bottom lip again, and I could tell by the look on his face he really wanted to say something.

I let out a deep breath as I let my gaze fall to my feet. I just needed to swallow my pride, and admit that I was wrong for what I did and hope he'd forgive me. "I'm sorry for that night."

"It's been a long time, Ray."

He was still calling me by his personal nickname for me, which had to be a good sign. I nodded my head in agreement as I finally looked back up to face him. He had moved significantly closer to me, and his 6'4 frame was now towering over me.

"I know, and I'm sorry." I quickly wiped away a tear that was threatening to fall before continuing. "I just needed time to be my stubborn self. I needed my time to realize that I was wrong. I guess I needed to realize just how much you meant to me by spending time without you. It should have never been this long, though. I'm so sorry for everything I did."

"You broke my heart, Rachel." It was a fact I already knew, but hearing the words coming straight from his mouth hurt. "You just left me, and I've spent the last year trying to get over you."

"If it counts for anything, I thought about you every day." I could feel my tears begin to leak down my face and made no motion to try and wipe them away. There were too many too fast that it would have been a pointless attempt. "And I love you, Erik. Whether you forgive, or take me back, or say you never want to see me again, I'm always going to love you."

My voice came out hoarse as I tried to choke back a sob. I didn't want to, but I was completely falling apart in front of Erik. I lowered my face into my hands as I let another sob slip passed my lips. I felt a pair of familiar arms wrap around me to try and console me.

"Please stop crying, Ray." Erik's voice came out as a strained whisper as he kissed the top of my head. I let my arms wrap around his neck as his hands rubbed my back soothingly. "You know it kills me to see you upset."

"I'm so sorry!" I cried out into his chest. "I'm sorry I was such an idiot."

"Don't be." He kissed my hair once more, pulling me even tighter into his broad chest. "That's over and it's in the past now. I love you, and you're mine. And I'm not going to let anything change that."

I looked up at Erik, my 5'7 stature meant he was still significantly taller than me. He used his left hand to wipe away a few of the tears that were stained across my cheeks as he smiled down at me.

"And Merry Christmas, Ray." He whispered, before lowering his lips to meet mine in a kiss that I had been waiting over a year for.