The Expectation to Never Expect

They say that its a matter of circumstantial events that mold and shape you into the person you become later on in life. That your life is a lengthy impact of the things that occurred and take place around you. Each human being is born with innocence flowing through their veins, it's only a matter of circumstance that depicts whether they are good or bad, angelic or demonic.

It was a series of unrelated, unexpected events that triggered everything, that changed moments I would never forget. Hours that formed the path of my life and led me to become the very person i had managed to be.

A series of circumstantial events one summer changed my life forever.

There wasn't one single defining moment that changed everything. In fact I couldn't even tell you where it began or truly started, all I know is that it did and the world changed as a consequence.

Some would say it changed when my social status did. My final year of school had been nothing but chaos and I loved every single second. I adored the way my whole year level became fast friends, how suddenly I had been accepted into this secret world of high school parties and scandals.

Others would say it changed as boys came and went. James Delaney was welcomed in but he pulled himself away, Taylor Morrissey had forced his way in and I'd forced him back out. I lost faith in boys and boyfriends, I ditched the whole idea of love.

And it was Matthew Gibbons who showed me how carefree it could be.

In something, I regard as not my finest hour, I met Matthew at a beginning of summer party, he was charismatic with the kind grin that made girls swoon. I don't exactly know what happened, one minute he was kissing me gently in a dark corner, the next he was hovering over me across a pale yellow bed spread.

I suppose we needed each other, needed to feel lust and desire, have somebody else want us even just for one night. When I woke up, he was still there, hand upon my thigh and face buried in pillows. I didn't leave until he was awake.

Safely I can admit I wasn't the proudest person of my drunken lust, of the stranger who was swelling inside me and seemed only satisfied by a semi-one-night-stand. Matthew was the first and last boy I ever became a whore over.

By eighteen I had given up on falling in love, I didn't need love to know I was happy, I didn't need a boy to tell me people cared. Matthew Gibbons was responsible for teaching me how to give up on love.