Written in the Stars of Heaven

Deciding to leave the guys to get to know each other, I hurried along to catch up with Nikolai. He, for some reason, always separated himself from the others, walking ahead. I didn’t plan to tell him that I might be backing out on him, at least not now. I figured it could wait until I actually had a plan to get myself out of this disaster. But that also didn’t mean I couldn’t still talk to him. He was nice to be around when he decided to act pleasant.

“Do you think they made it?” I asked as he slowed a little for me.

“I hope so. The woman came by a few minutes ago and I sent her the other direction. Hopefully it will be enough.”

“What? That Reaper chick was here? Why didn’t I even see her?” How could a person be so close to me and go completely unnoticed? Was I that unobservant?

“You were engrossed in that conversation. May I ask what it was about?” I don’t know what it was about that, but it made me stumble. It could have been the kind way he phrased it, or the faint accent… Something about that question made me feel incredibly guilty for considering the possibility of betraying him.

“Just Avan explaining the ins and outs of the realm to Reyleigh. I learned some new stuff too. It’s complicated…”

“You can say that again,” he said, a small grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. So gorgeous.

“Why did you let them go? Avan said you promised to free him too.”

Ah, that did it. Any traces of a smile were gone, replaced by a frown. “You want the truth?” he finally murmured, unconsciously speeding up.

“No, I want you to lie to me. Of course, I want the truth!”

“Alright. I don’t relish this job. I hate it. I was meant to fight Reapers, not help them and their evil cause.”

“Then why do you do it?” I asked gently. This was obviously a sore subject for him.

“My mother. The King promised to get her out of prison if I brough him enough Herllow to satiate his need fro blood. Apparently, he’s never quite satisfied, so I’ve been at this for much longer than I intended.” I noticed the way he called his father ‘the King’, instead of any intimate titles.

“It all leads back to her, then.”

“Pretty much.” His voice was barely above a whisper. I could almost feel his pain, seeping from every pore.

“Tell me about her.”

“She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met. Everything about her, her eyes, her smile, her body language, all drew you in, like a magnet. She was the kindest woman ever, always willing to go without for the sake of someone else,” the ghost of a smile was back on those full lips as he spoke of her, his eyes bright with love.
“I remember this one time that I lost my favorite blanket as a kid. I couldn’t go anywhere without the thing, ever since the day she finished making it for me. We went to church that day, just like every week, but this time, I discovered that I left the blanket somewhere in the building. And it was a huge space, especially for a seven year old.”

I couldn’t help but find it adorable that such a strong man carried a blankie around until he was seven. It made him seem more… real. Not so perfect. It actually made me like him even more.

“When I ran up to her,” he continued, lost in the memory, “she pulled me into a strong hug. I love her hugs… Always have. Anyway, we went to go find the blanket. We searched for hours, right up until the priest told us he was shutting down and we had to go. My brother and sisters got angry and waited in the car the entire time, but she didn’t give up on me. When we finally got home, the priest literally having to shove her out the door, I was crushed. So she promised to make me a new one. Of course, any old blanket wouldn’t suffice for me, so she swore I wouldn‘t even remember the last one after she‘d made the new one.”

Nikolai’s face had softened so much while speaking, tears pooling in his eyes. He was that child again for that moment.

“She worked and worked, tearing up her beautiful golden dress, her most prized possession. It was always my favorite, and every time she wore it, I told her how it reminded me of the sun. When she finally finished, I was horrified that she’d ruined her dress for me. But do you know what she said? She told me that I was her sunshine, what she prized most and that defiling any material item was worth seeing my ‘sunny smile’.”

It was difficult to look into his face while trying to stay upright, but I managed. It was more difficult though, to live that memory with him. Knowing all he had lost. Knowing what became of such a wonderful mother.

“She sounds… There aren’t words to describe how she sounds,” I murmured, that deep hole in my chest aching for my own mommy. “You’re lucky to have grown up with her.”

“I know. She made me who I am. Who I was before, I mean,” he revised, shame playing on all his features.

I had a sudden, very powerful urge to comfort him, but I honestly thought that it would make matters worse. Why would he want me to comfort him?

“Who you are,” I couldn’t stop myself from saying. “Nikolai, you’re still a great man.”

He only looked down at me, disbelieving. “How can you say that when you know exactly what I’m doing to you?”

So he had thought of that, easing my resentment some. It still hurt, though, that he was going to go along with it. But I could understand, after that clear display of his love, why he was doing it. I’d risk all the lives of the realm for my mom too. Selfish, but I would.

“I can say that because of the way you talk about her. No horrible person would be capable of such love and compassion. Could do everything you have to free her.”

“I think you’re being too kind,” he stated with a wry grin that didn’t touch his eyes.

“Me?” I scoffed. “Me too kind? Well, that’s a first!”

“Look at what you’re doing for a woman you haven’t even met. For a man who’s keeping you prisoner. You’re sacrificing your freedom, possibly your very life. Why?”

I averted my eyes, focusing of my dirty hands. “My mom.”

“What happened? You said before that you killed her, but I don‘t believe that.”

“You’re wrong then. It was my fault she’s dead. If I hadn’t insisted on that stupid recital, we’d have stayed hope and opened presents. No car, no crash, and I’d still have my mom.” I choked up about half way through, forcing the rest out in a huff.

“I can’t imagine. Even a world in which my mother didn’t exist… I couldn’t handle it,” he spoke softly.

He didn’t say sorry. He was probably the first I’d ever told about my mom who hadn’t said that stupid word. It was one for those who didn’t understand the pain of losing part of yourself. But he hadn’t said it. He understood what no one, aside from Kendyll, ever had. I didn’t want his sympathy or condolences. And he didn’t offer it. His words actually mattered. They were real.

Right then, I realized why I was so drawn to him. Why after so short a time, I was able to feel so close. His loss shaped him, just as mine had. We were two broken pieces, searching for a perfect match to ease some of the pain. Nikolai’s edges coincided with mine in a way so profound, it was a miracle I was able to discern it. Especially because I didn’t fully understand it yet. We didn’t necessarily have to be together, and love wasn’t a guarantee, but we shared a special bond. More than romance. But also less. One no one else alive could have. It ran deeper than fate even. I could say we were destined to find one another, but that’s too… artificial. It’s more than that. Simpler and far more complex than my mind could wrap around at the moment. But I would, eventually. And he would see it too. A connection this absolute, this abysmal couldn’t be ignored for long.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Another three days of pure walking ensued. Yes, three miserable, painful, soaking wet days. My face throbbed from all the beatings it had taken. I missed my toothbrush more than even I could fathom. I was sick of Leona’s baggy clothes and the shoes were constantly drenched. My feet hurt almost enough to send me to an early grave, the skin raw and muscles exhausted. My entire body, for that matter, screamed in agony, wailing for a preprieve. My back and knees in particular ached like nothing I’d ever experienced. And to top all of those joyous aspects of our journey, it was freezing and continually getting colder. Plus, Leona attacked me whenever she could, Blaze doing the same, only his words with a sexual emphasis rather than full-on insults. Nikolai hadn’t bothered with me much, despite our nights spent together, and Avan yook Reyleigh under his wing, instant BFF’s. Yes, this left me freezing, wet, tired, in pain, and alone. At least my visions hadn’t made matters worse since that night we had to fight off the other Hunters.

“And when she walks,
All the wind blows and the angels sing!
She doesn’t notice me~~” Blaze shouted out in the most off key note I’d ever heard, skipping the whole chorus. It was plain pitiful.

“It’s like a bad movie,
She’s lookin’ through me.
If you were me then you’d be
Screamin’ someone shoot me
As I failed miserably,
Tryin’ to get the girl all the bad guys want!”

“Oh Blaze. Please, spare us all the ruptured eardrums and shut that over-used trap of yours,” I groaned.

He ignored me, going on with his screwed up version of a song that no girl would ever want sung about them.

“She broke my heart,
I wanna be sedated.
All I wanted was to see her naked!
All I got’s a moped! Mo-ped! Mo-ped!”

“Dude, you mixed that part with a completely different verse of the song! If your going to sing like an idiot, at least sing like an idiot right!” I shook me head. I was so sick of his antics. A girl could only take so much unwanted advances before she snapped. Let’s just say the Reaper had better watch it before he finds his body cold and lacking large amounts of blood.

“I know that’s not how it really goes,” he defended himself. “But I forgot the rest. The moped thing was the only thing I remembered after that part.”

“Nikolai, how are you even keeping a blank face! You hear this nonsense!” I asked, annoyed.

“After so much, the mind just shuts down to all things ‘Blaze’. Nothing he says or does that’s not life threatening doesn’t register with me any more,” was his reply.

“God, please, pretty please make my brain stop processing this!” I prayed to the Heavens. I’d have shouted it, but every time we got too loud, Nikolai would scold us, saying we were leading Hunters right to us. He was probably right, but I’d never acknowledge that.

“How much longer to the car?” Avan moaned. I wasn’t the only one about to die.

“Another mile or so,” Nikolai announced, voice indifferent. He was the only one not showing any signs of this physical turmoil. I was sure he felt it, but never showed it. Always strong.

“A mile!” I screeched, only vaguely aware of the round of ‘shh’s’ I got for my outburst. “That’s close! A mile, oh thank God, a mile!” If asked, I may or may not comfirm that I did a little happy dance. It’s too embarrassing. But it may or may not have earned my an adorable, crooked smile from my Russian. That alone made it worthwhile.

“You’re excited,” Reyleigh grinned, my attitude infectious.

“Hell yes I’m excited! I’ve been walking in this stupid forest for like, five days now, thank you. I don’t think I’ll ever stand up again! Oh, a mile!”

“You’d think someone just told her she’d won the lottery,” Avan commented in a light tone to his friend.

It was true. I was that glad to finally be able to sit as we traveled. Not that I was thrilled about where this sit/traveling would lead us. But at that point, I’d have gone through the gates of Hell to be done with this wretched walking. Whoever invented that action was dead to me. And spare me the details of how stupid that was.

Stretching my arms up to the sky, I reveled in the rain for the first time since the non-stop storm pelted down on me. Now that there was a foreseeable end to this horrid hike, everything seemed a little better. I hurt less, I was less cold, and the rain was actually beautiful.

Throwing my backpack to the muddy ground, I began running at Nikolai’s turned back, full speed. The second I reached him, I leapt up as high as I could, shouting how much I loved piggyback rides. He knew I was coming of course, both because of my ‘war cries’ and his heightened senses, so it shocked me that he didn’t move away, but rather dropped his own load and caught me. His strong arms hooked under my bent knees and he spun around like one would with an overjoyed child, forcing me to tighten my grip around his shoulders and press myself closer to his hard, warm back. Even through the jacket, his body had n effect on me.

I’d never seen a playful side of him, so I’d naturally assumed that it didn’t exist, but clearly I was wrong. Everyone, even Leona, was touched by my spirits, so Nikolai’s pushed them over the edge. Everyone began dancing around like morons, taking pleasure in the joy of the moment, laughing like crazed hyenas. Truly, this was the first time since arriving in Animus Terra that I’d had fun. It was a memory I’d never forget, no matter what happened to us all.

“Nikolai,” I managed between giggles, “Nikolai, I’m dizzy!”

“I’m just fine!” he laughed. Laughed! Like, a real one! And boy, was it amazing. I loved his laugh.

Slowing down, we began to wobble, and realized that maybe he wasn’t fine. This served to crack me up even more, my stomach muscles sore from the effort. Apparently, it did the same to him, because eout of no where, we just tipped over.

We didn’t hit hard, because Nikolai, even in his laughing fit, thought to keep us safe. But laying on the ground in gooey mud was so hilarious in our state, tears began to spill from my eyes, intermingling with the rain water. Looking over, I was taken aback yet again by the fact that Nikolai was just as far gone as I was, laughing earnestly.

The skin in the corner of his blue eyes crinkled a small amount in such a cute manner… His handsome mouth open, perfect white teeth showing. His hair was plastered to a smooth forehead, reaching down to dark eyebrows. He even had small dimples on his chin. This expression really suited him. I couldn’t look away, my own laughter dying down.

It didn’t take him long to notice my change, and slowly he sobered up too, gazing back at me intently. Though the laughter was gone, I could still see the remnants of a bright smile within those turquoise eyes.

Laying here in the mud, face to face with someone I connected to so deeply, I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. To press my lips agains his, burying my fingers his that wet, silky hair. To feel his work callused yet smooth hands cup my face to him, refusing to let me leave. As if I’d want to. And that stare, so full of emotion I couldn’t quite decypher, didn’t discourage my imaginings. In fact, it spurned them on. It was almost as if similar thoughts were running through his mind. But I wasn’t able to tell for sure. He still had them camouflaged to an extent, never really giving in to those feelings. Never letting me see…

“Are we going to get going? We still have that mile?” Leona asked, hard edge back in her tone that cut through the connection she’d interrupted quite successfully. Damn her.

“Right. We still aren’t completely safe,” Nikolai murmured, standing up and reaching down to help me do the same.

Begrudgingly, I allowed to be pulled to my suffering feet, physically feeling the space he put between us. It was almost strange to see that everyone else was oblivious to what had just passed between Nikolai and me. They were carrying on with their celebration, clueless. Leona was the only one even remotely aware, and even she didn’t fully understand the gravity of that moment. It meant so much to me, it seemed like it should have shaken mountains, or stopped the rain.

No, what happened instead was a crippling pain that shot through my skull, numbing me to everything else. “Damn it. Nikolai! I’m-” I was unable to finish that sentence as I groaned, pressing a hand to my throbbing temples. It hurt so bad I was about to be sick…

Within seconds, it got to be too much and I felt my legs giving out. Expecting to feel the wet ground meet me, I was pleased to feel Nikolai’s strong arms catch and lift me to cradle my body to his chest. If I wasn’t so otherwise consumed, I would have lost my breath because of our closeness. Instead, my vision faded to blackness and I became numb to every sensation.