Lost Love

Today, I learned something; things don’t just happen on their own, you need to work to make it happen, before you lose your chance and another never comes.

1 week ago

*I wanna be a billionaire, so freakin bad, buy all of the things I never had. I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine, smiling next to Oprah and the Queen* “damn it! Who the hell is calling at,” looks at the clock, “TWO in the freakin morning! God!”

“Hello?” I answered without checking the I.D.

“Jos?” My best friend Kris replied, she sounds like she’s been crying.

“What’s wrong? “

“He’s dead! They couldn’t do anything. He died on impact. What am I going to do? He’s dead. Oh God. I need to call my parents. How can I tell them that he’s dead!?” Kris screamed. What is she talking about? Who’s dead? Oh God, please tell me it’s not him.

“Calm down Kris! Who’s dead? What happened!?” I asked before she continued on her rant.

“Taylor he-” but I couldn’t hear anymore. How can he be dead? I just talked to him a few hours ago. He was laughing. He was with me and we were having fun. He can’t be dead. I never told him how I felt. He never knew how much I loved him! Oh My God! No! He can’t be dead! Maybe I heard wrong. Maybe it was a different Taylor. I’m sure her brother isn’t the only Taylor she knows. I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard her calling me.

“Jos! Josie! Josephine Talley answer me right now!”

“Taylor” was all I managed to say in a very quiet whisper.

“Yes Taylor. My brother! He was on his way to your house; he said he had to tell you that he’s in love with you before it was too late! He was at a stop light when a semi driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit his car. He died on impact. My brother…” She trailed off.

He loved me? He was going to tell me? This is my fault. If I would have told him earlier while he was here, he wouldn’t have been driving to see me. He would’ve already known I was madly in love with him and I would’ve known as well. He died and he didn’t know how much I loved him. I killed him. If I just had the courage he’d be alive and at home sleeping right now. OhMyGod. I. Killed. Him.

I dropped the phone then and began crying. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I was curled into a ball crying into my legs. How could I have been so dumb? How could I have not told him before? We would’ve been happy right now. We would’ve been together. He wouldn’t be dead. I did this. I did this. That’s all that ran through my mind as I cried. Cried because the guy I have been in love with for the past 16 years is now dead. And I can’t change that. And it’s my fault. I laid there and cried until I remembered about Kris. She must be going crazy. She’s alone right now. Her parents are out of town. Oh god I need to get over there. I picked up my phone again and called her. She picked up after the first ring. “Kris where are you right now? Are you home?” I asked before she had a chance to speak. “Yes. *sob* I just. *sob* got home. *sob* right. *sob* now.” She replied through her crying. “Alright I’m on my way right now. Don’t go anywhere okay?” I told her, trying to stay strong for my best friend.

Present day

Shortly after I got off the phone with Kris the second time I arrived at her home. We sat and cried for what seemed like days, but must of only been hours until her parents came back home. They told us it had been a long morning and we should go to sleep. They called my parents and the school and we haven’t been back yet, not until after the funeral, which is today.

I haven’t seen anyone, except Kris, from school since it’s happened, and with Taylor being so popular, everyone will show up for the wake and funeral. Will I be able to handle this? Seeing them bury the guy I love. Place him underground and make what I know happened a brutal reality. I will never be able to touch him anymore. To feel his warmth and comfort when I’m scared, when he’s protecting me. I will never be able to hear his laugh or his voice again, or see his smile that lit up his face and made any dull place feel as if you had bright lights placed facing you. And his beautiful ocean blue eyes that had gray speckles and would change color depending on the clothes he’s wearing. Lastly, I won’t ever see his love anymore. The way he cared for everyone. He was such a warm and loving person who brought joy into everyone’s life. And now that he’s gone, I don’t know what to live for, because I killed him, it’s all my fault he’s gone.

One Year Later

I’ve decided to go to a new school; it’s a boarding school across the country in New York. I need a fresh start and a new surrounding because everything here just reminds me of Taylor. I still can’t believe it’s been a year since that horrible night. I can’t stand everyone knowing what happened and pitying me; the girl who lost her love. With this new start, I’ll be a new person. No one will know I killed him; that it was my fault, I’ll just be another nobody, and that’s better than anything here. Now, for the hard part, I have to tell Kris. We have never been far from each other for more than a week since we were babies. We’re both now 17 and it’s our senior year of high school. This is the year we planned since we were little girls. Our perfect year. But nothing in my life can be perfect anymore, nothing can be complete. Losing Taylor changed me, it left me heartbroken and I don’t think I can ever heal. I don’t think I can ever be me again. Well, I might as well get this over with, it’s now or never and I’m leaving in a week, so now would be the best time. I grabbed my keys and went downstairs; my parents were in the living room watching TV. So I quickly told them where I was going, and went over to Kris’.

When I got there, I started hyperventilating, what if she hates me? I’m going to ruin our senior year plans. I already killed her brother and now I’m leaving and we won’t have our dream senior year together. Oh God. I just keep ruining people’s lives. That’s all I am, someone who goes around destroying people’s happiness. I was about to just drive away, but someone knocked on my window which made me jump. “Oh God Kris you scared the crap out of me!” I told her as I rolled down the window. “Are you just going to sit in front of my house all night like a creepy stalker or are you going to come in?” she asked me laughing at her own joke. I quickly got out of the car and we went inside, up to her room. “I actually came over here to tell you something. Please don’t be mad at me. I need somewhere, a new surrounding for a while, and this seemed like the perfect idea. I know we have plans for this year but after everything that’s happened I don’t know if I could do all our fun stuff we planned and I-” but I wasn’t able to finish my ranting because Kris kissed me…JUST KIDDING!

Kris cut in. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m leaving for a year; I’m going away to a boarding school in New York. I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner, I’m leaving in a week and-”

She cut me off again “A week!? As in 7 days!? 168 hours!? We need to spend the next couple of days together. Hmm..what about a goodbye party? Maybe we can double it as a ‘hello senior year!’ party.” Kris went on for a while thinking of little things to do for a week.

“Wait, you’re not mad? Because I ruined our perfect senior year?”

“Jos, you haven’t ruined anything. This will be great for you. The look I see in your eyes everyday saddens me. The look of guilt. I know I can’t telling you this, but I’m going to continue until you get it in your head, you did nothing wrong, it was not your fault my brother died, it was the other driver. Taylor wouldn’t want to see you live like this. He’d want you to continue with life and be your happy glowing self again. He’d want you to stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over. I know people deal with things in their own way, and losing your brother is way different than losing the guy you love, but please, for Taylor, be happy.”

I hadn’t realized I was crying until a dear drop fell on my hand. Did I change that much? From carefree and happy Josie to sad and gloomy Josie? Have I been bringing everyone down with me, with all of my guilt and depressiveness? I thought I had put on a good enough façade that everyone thought I was happy. I thought the only time I showed my sadness was at night, when I’d cry myself to sleep. I guess I can cross actress off from my list of careers since I wasn’t putting up that great of a cover. Kris came over to where I was sitting on the bed and wrapped her arms around me.

“It’s going to be okay Jos, we’ll get through this together, but for right now, we have a slumber party to do! You are not going to sit around crying this last week I have with you. So come on, get up, I still have your extra clothes you used to leave here, so lets go get you some pajamas and call your parents, we’re having a sleepover!”

I smiled at that. Kris can always turn such a sad moment into silly one. I haven’t slept over at her house for a year now. I was too scared to walk by Taylor’s room. Every time I’m here, I go out of my way to go to the bathroom downstairs because the one upstairs is by his room. I don’t know when, but one day I’ll have the courage to go in there again, to see his smiling face in pictures, to smell his familiar scent. For now, until I’m brave enough, I’ll continue with the downstairs bathroom. I changed into my sleeping clothes and Kris and I had a night of chick flicks and junk food. It was a long over-do girl’s night.

The week went by fast and now I’m getting ready to board a plane that will take me to my new beginning. I don’t know how I’m going to make it without seeing my parents and Kris’ face everyday, but I know this will be good for me, so I’m going. I said my goodbyes, and by the time I checked in and went thought airport security, it was time to board the plane. I got on and settled in; now all I have to do is 6 hours for my new school.