Crucified

*

I’m not ok. I promise. I’d never really liked My Chemical Romance, they weren’t really my cup of tea; but their song title rang true at this moment, from the second I entered that room, I felt death even though Eva’s body was still alive, that main organ that made her who she was had died.

She didn’t even look like Eva, she had a bandage wrapped around her head and a tube in her mouth, I wanted to scream, it was like my skin was the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once; I shoved my hands deep in my pockets and made myself walk to the bed pulling up a chair, I took her hand,

The resident who was attending to her stood behind me, fiddling with the machines, I nearly asked, “what was the point?” then I remembered, my baby, it seems ludicrous that I would forget that when I just made a decision to save their life, no less then half an hour ago but you have to understand that my attachment to my baby hasn’t reached its’ full potential you could say, my other hand I placed on her stomach; the baby kicked.

My hand flew off her stomach as though it had just been electrocuted, I had never felt anything like before, it was surreal.

“Eva, I wish I could’ve shared that moment with you,” I said quietly, I felt like an idiot I knew she couldn’t hear me but it was oddly comforting to talk to her again, I wasn’t going to get to anything else ever again so I may as well savor the moment well I could. “I’m scared about raising this baby alone, I mean I know I won’t be alone, alone but you know what I mean; I never envisioned doing this without you; you would’ve been the best mum; I know it, I’ll try to be the best dad; I’m sure Lucky would kick my *** if I don’t at least try…”

“You got that right,”

I didn’t turn, “Hi Lucky.”

“Sorry to intrude on your moment, just letting you know Bill’s gone back to his ward, they’ll discharge him tomorrow,” she said quickly, leaning against the door, “I think he’ll be ok, well as ok as looney’s go,” she smiled, “Do you need anything?”

Now I had to turn around, “Wait you’re being nice to me?”

She rolled her eyes and walked over to me, “I’m not entirely made of stone Tom, so do you need anything?”

I shook my head, “not unless you know how to bring brains back to life…”

Her smiled faded and I saw her eyes fill with tears, she brushed them away quickly, “you don’t know how much I wish I could do that!” she knelt down by Eva’s bed and completely broke down, “Eva, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I wish you could wake up!”

I was dumbfounded, I had no idea what to do, do I hug her? Cry too? Jesus Christ, this is awkward but she’s not wrong, I wish Eva could wake up too,

“Lucky, come here,” I found myself saying, I grabbed her shoulders and turned her around, she looked up at me, she was embarrassed I’d seen her like this, she wiped her eyes,

“Don’t hug me, Tom,” she said putting her hands up, “because if you do, I’m not going to be able to stop crying and I can’t keep crying, I don’t cry. I’m Lucky Schafer, I don’t cry…”

She kept crying though and I hugged her anyway because as she had said herself, she isn’t made entirely of stone.

*

The Goodbye.

Fourteen weeks had passed by so quickly Tom scarcely had time to prepare himself mentally, for what this meant now. The doctors had called saying they were ready to induce Eva, his baby was coming.

Like a zombie he slipped into his Audi, letting his friend, Lucky drive; his twin brother, Bill sati in the back seat behind him, holding onto to this hand. Tom didn’t know what to do, he wanted to be happy his baby would finally be here but it also meant this was the untimely end of Eva, her life support would be turned off following the birth, he wondered how often this had ever happened to anyone, saying hello to someone new and goodbye to someone in the same day? His heart wrenched, he felt sick.

Nobody spoke on the ride there, what could you say really? All of them were remembering their fondest memories of Eva. Tom thought of when he first met her, how she scowled and ignored him for months on end before she finally agreed to go out with him and the first time he told her he loved her and the best of them all? The one when he won her back.

Lucky thought of when her and Eva were naughty teenagers who hated school and got busted for smoking by the principal, how they both told him to, “**** off”, and to go “suck hairy monkey balls,” they had been suspended for that. Her other memory was when they made up after fours years of feuding, she smiled to herself, gripping the steering wheel she turned into the hospital car park.

Bill was thinking guilty thoughts, how he never apologized to Eva for the lies he told and how much he had hurt her, he’d never gotten the chance to make it up to her. He pushed back tears, he would not cry today; he had to be strong for his brother.

Helena, Georg, Gustav, Rikki, Sara and Dee were waiting for them by the elevators to go up to the ICU, they all nodded solemnly at each other as they stepped into the elevator; Tom with his hands deep in his pockets, Bill his hand in Lucky’s, Helena, her arms folded tightly across her chest; Dee her hands limp at her sides, Georg was leaning against the wall, Rikki and Sara held each other, and Gustav had his hands on his head, the silence was eerie,

They continued this way as they were met by the doctors, only Tom was to go in first to see the delivery of his child and then the others could come and say their goodbyes following; Tom sat by Eva’s bed, listening to her final breaths, the surgeon said to him,

“Hello, Tom I am Dr Hans Michel, I will be performing the caesarean on your partner today, I know this must be a bittersweet moment for you; I am so very sorry,”

Tom nodded at him, willing him to get on with it, he watched him cut into Eva’s stomach, he clutched her hand and felt the worst pain run through him, he thought it was going to kill him, he almost cried out, this wasn’t going to happen and then he heard a cry…

“Tom, you have a healthy daughter,” the surgeon told him, “congratulations, would you like to hold her?”

He looked up and came face to face with his daughter, bright red hair, big green eyes, the spitting image of her mother; it was at that moment, that he fell in love; he took the baby from the surgeon and she settled into his arms, almost instantly the crying ceased.

“Hello, little one,” he whispered, “I’m your daddy, you are just beautiful; I can’t believe you are here…” he kissed her forehead; and looked at Eva, he got up and kissed her on the forehead,

“Danke schon, mein liebe,” he told her, he placed his little daughter next to her, it was so bittersweet, it hurt that his Eva would never hold this little miracle, he kissed them both and willed the others to come in, Helena walked in first and burst into tears, when she saw the baby,

“Oh she is so beautiful!” she gasped, “Eva darling you did so well and you don’t even know it…” she began her final goodbye to her friend, it was time for her to leave them now. “Eva, you were such a great friend to me and such a strong person, I will miss you so much, liebe, I can’t believe you have to leave us…I will promise to take care of Tom and your baby girl, after all they don’t call me, “mummy Helen” for nothing, love you; I hope you’ll go some place nice.” She kissed Eva on the forehead and went to stand by Georg, Gustav approached the bed next,

“Eva, you were such a light in our lives, even though you had your problems; you were special to all of us, you didn’t deserve this..” he squeezed her hand, “Goodbye, angel I hope you’ll be at peace now…”

He stood back, Dee walked up a sobbing mess, “babe, this isn’t fair! You are so lovely…I’ll miss you so much!” she cried holding onto her hand, Helena came up to take her away and cuddle her, Georg went next, Tom didn’t know how much more he could take before it was his turn, he was clutching his buddle of joy so tightly he feared he would break her.

“You were a wonderful friend, Eva March,” Georg said, kissing her hand, “go in peace now,”

Rikki and Sara said goodbye together and cried in each other’s arms, Gustav put an arm around them too; now it was Lucky’s turn.

She stepped forward she wasn’t crying, she was determined to say what she needed too, “Eva, I’ve known you for sixteen years, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve fought and not spoken to each other for years, we’ve loved, we’ve lost; you have and always will be my best friend, you have no idea what it meant to have you back in my life this last few months, I missed you so much and this is so miserably unfair,” she paused, tears threatening, “I can’t believe you’re leaving us, I’ll miss you forever, I’ll look after Tom for you and help with your baby, even though they scare me a little,” she laughed through her tears, which had now started cascading down her cheeks, “Goodbye, my dearest friend, ich liebe dich…”

She turned to Bill, it was his turn she grabbed his arm and stood by him, as hew fought with what he would say, he looked at Lucky, she nodded at him for encouragement, he sighed and stated his last words to her,

“Dear Eva, I am a pig, I’m so sorry for everything you went through and for everything I put you through. I’m sorry I never got to make it up to you, I’m sorry you’re lying in this **** hospital bed. I’m sorry you’ll never know how much I regret falling out with you, you were a great friend to me and I was a bastard; I wish I could’ve been a better person; a person you would have liked. Everything I touched turned to gold once and I ruined it all, I took you away from the one person who could’ve saved you, I killed the soul of my beloved brother with my selfish ways, I crucified you Eva and I will never, ever forgive myself for that. Goodbye…”

he kissed her cheek and looked at Tom, who looked at his brother in awe; Bill had finally found the courage to admit his mistakes, he grabbed his hand,

“Bill, ich liebe dich,” he said quietly,

“Ich liebe dich ausch, Tom,” he replied, kissing the top of his brother’s head, he stepped back, but Tom grabbed his arm,

“I want you next to me when I say goodbye,” he uttered quietly, Bill nodded, “Helena can you hold the baby?”

Helena took the baby, graciously from his arms and sat down with her, Tom swallowed a huge lump in his throat, it was time, he hadn’t prepared himself for this moment but somehow he knew what to say,

“Eva, you were the love of my life, I never forgave myself for putting you in rehab; I thought I was helping you but it only made you hate me more. I was overjoyed to win you back again but it wasn’t without obstacles, I love you so much, I don’t know if I ever showed you how much, you were my world and my rock, I don’t know how I’m meant to go on without you.

I wanted so badly for the demons to go away, that we could get over our past and just be, but we were a tragedy my love; we weren’t destined for happily ever after. I promise to love and care for our daughter and give her the best of everything, I just wish I could do it with you; she will know of you and know that you would’ve been the best mother, she could ever have hoped for..”

he paused for breath and stood up over her,

“Ich liebe dich, mein liebe forever, rest in peace, goodbye.” He kissed her lips for the last time, tears overwhelming him, Helena handed back the baby and Bill held his brother tight as he cried,

“are you ready now?” the doctor asked Tom, he nodded through his tears, the doctor reached for the switch on the machine and turned it off, it beeped once and then held before stopping all together,

“Time of death, 18:45...”

He quietly, left the room, Tom felt his heart break as he sobbed holding his baby, his only piece left of his beautiful Eva, but he knew he would never forget her and that her memory will forever live on in their daughter’s eyes.