Adolescent

I awoke to the smell of coffee, but a sudden pain surged it’s way through my head. I gripped my head, tangling my fingers in my brown hair. I groaned quietly, throwing the pillow over my head and breathing in deep. I kept my eyes shut until the sudden urge to vomit reached my thoughts.

I swung the covers off of me and swung my legs over the side of the bed. My surroundings told me I was at Devin’s house, so I swung open his bedroom door and ran down the hall. As I finally reached the bathroom door, I stepped in, barely being able to make it into the toilet.

My stomach tightened and loosened with each binge and my eyes welled up in tears. How much did I drink last night that I woke up sick? When I came to a permanent finish, I flushed the toilet and rested my head against the cool ceramic toilet seat. The cold felt amazing against my skin.

Gentle knocks echoed into the bathroom, but I didn’t look up. If I moved at this point then I would definitely get sick all over again. A small plate that consisted of three slices of bread was placed next to my fragile body, along with a large cup of ice cold water.

“How you feeling?”Devin’s voice whispered calmly in my ears.

I only shook my head, hoping he would get the hint that I felt like complete and total shit. He didn’t chuckle like he normally would, he just knelt down and rubbed my back softly.

“I need to talk to you once you feel better. And it’s important, okay?”I looked up at him and grew confused.

What could I possibly have done to make the situation so serious?

“Sure. Let me brush my teeth and I’ll meet you in your room, alright?”I grabbed the sides of the toilet, but Devin helped me up more than I did.

He left the bathroom and I quickly brushed through my teeth, making sure I got every inch of puke out of my mouth. The bread and water was quickly finished and within ten minutes I was walking agonizingly slow into Devin’s room. He was laying down on his bed, hands behind his head.

I walked over and lied next to him, feeling his arms wrap themselves around my small waist. I rested my head against his broad chest and sighed involuntarily. I was tired and felt like my head was going to explode. I looked up at him and asked, “How much did I drink last night, Dev?”

He laughed quietly and looked down at me.

“You honestly want to know?”He asked.

“That much?”I cringed.

“Yeah, that much. That’s what I need to talk to you about, Hillari.”He said quietly.”You did something really bad last night and I know it’s going to upset you.”

My heart began to pound fiercly in my chest. There were a million different things that I could have done, but what he said next I never would have expected.

“You flipped on Jimmy last night, babe.”He said.

I gasped softly, covering my mouth with my hands. I sat up in bed and looked down accusingly at Devin. I would never in my right mind get angry with Jimmy. I had no reason, from what I know of, to get so upset with him.

“I stopped you before it got any worse.”He sat up aswell, but wasn’t looking too happy.

“What did I say, Devin?”I didn’t want to know.

“Basically, you accused him of dropping you out of his life like it was nothing. Said you hope he rots in hell.”Devin frowned.”I know you didn’t mean it, but I don’t think he knows that.”

“Oh, god.”I covered my face, feeling my tears come in sobs.

I cried for a few minutes, hating myself for doing what I did. I couldn’t believe I let Jimmy have it over the phone. I didn’t mean what I said. I didn’t want to make the excuse of being drunk, but it was all I had to defend myself. I had to call him and explain what happened, but what do I say?

Will he want to talk to me again? Would this completely change what we had going? We were doing so well and I went and completely messed it up. Jimmy most likely hates me now and never wants to meet me or speak with me. Devin rubbed my back, but when I started to cry harder, he pulled me into a hug.

“Don’t cry, Hillari.”He whispered softly.”Don’t cry. You can call and explain everything. He can’t hate you over it. You didn’t exactly sound like the most sober person on the phone anyway.”

“It doesn’t matter.”I wailed.”It doesn’t matter, Devin. I hurt him and I didn’t mean to.”

My shoulders shook with each sob, but Devin only let me cry it out. I couldn’t believe I had gotten so far and crushed my only connection so quick. I had to figure out what I was going to say and hopefully Jimmy wouldn’t think of me as a monster anymore.

“Wait until you’re ready, then give him a call.”Devin whispered quietly.”Think about what you want to say. He can’t hate you, Hillari.”

I wiped my swelling eyes and wiped the tears from my face. I needed to go home, shower, curl up in bed and sleep the day away. I couldn’t stand to see another living being at the moment, let alone myself. I brushed back my hair and asked, “Can you take me home?”

“Of course I can.”He reached into his pocket and handed me my cell phone.”I took it from you last night when you got out of hand.”

“I’m sorry, Devin.”I whimpered.

He pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead gently.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be alright.”His kisses lead down to my lips, forcing butterflies to form in my stomach.

We pulled away after a few seconds and got ready for my ride home. It was short and quiet; I couldn’t come to think of what I had to say. From what Devin had told me I wanted Jimmy to rot in hell. And what’s worse, I blamed him for my giving up. I couldn’t do that until I had the full story.

I made it home safely and kissed Devin softly before I emerged from his car. I waved him off before I stepped inside and shut the door behind me. My parents had gone to work so I had the house to myself. I stepped into my room and prepared pajamas for the day. I showered quickly and quietly curled up in bed.

What do I say to the man that wanted so bad to reach me? I needed to expect every sort of insult and accusing comment I could before I called him back. I didn’t even know if I had the courage to call him today. The soft ringtone of my phone started to go off, but when I saw the caller id, I didn’t recognize the number.

I’d let it go to voicemail, but something inside told me I needed to pick up. Reluctantly, I flipped open my phone and pressed it to my ear. I answered with a soft, “Hello?”

“Hillari?”There was a deep, growly voice on the other end.

“Who is this?”I didn’t recognize the voice at all.

“This is Matt.”He sighed quietly into the phone.”I’m your fath- Jimmy’s best friend.”

My heart sunk low into my chest. Did he call to ream me out for what I did? I could only prepare for the worst.

“I’m calling you for Jimmy.”He began.”So please, don’t hang up.”

I was speechless. I must have worried him, because within a couple of long, painful seconds he was calling for me once more.

“Are you still there?”He asked.

“Yes.”I tried to hold back my tears, but I was having such difficulty.

“You didn’t mean it.”It was a statement rather than a question.

“No, I didn’t.”I whispered; I couldn’t break now, not with his friend on the phone.”My friend told me what happened. I’m so sorry.”

“Hillari, it’s okay. I told Jimmy you were most likely under the influence. I guess I had that part right, huh?”He chuckled softly, but not enough to make the conversation awkward.

“It is. Tell Jimmy I am so sorry.”I finally broke and began to cry.

I tried not to tell Matt hear me, but from the tone of his voice, he could hear me fine.

“I will. I just wanted you to know he isn’t angry.”He stated.”He doesn’t hate you or think any different. In fact he was expecting something like this when he first called you.”

“Really?”I choked.

“Really.”I could almost see a smile appear on his lips.”So don’t worry about it, alright hon?”

“What was your name again?”I whispered.

“Matt.”He said.

“Thankyou, Matt.”I breathed.”And one more thing,”

I had to ask - did Jimmy put him up to calling me?

“Does Jimmy know you called me?”I asked.

He stayed silent for a few moments, so I took that as a sincere no. I swallowed hard and waited for him to reply.

“He doesn’t. He didn’t want me to.”Matt said quietly.”I don’t expect you to keep this conversation from him, but it would help if you did.”

“I will.”I answered quickly.”Should I call him?”

“Just wait. Let him calm down a little bit.”It hurt to hear that I truly did hurt Jimmy.”He was a little upset.”

“I think that’s an understatement, Matt.”I said softly.

“Yeah, you’re right.”He laughed.”But he’ll be okay. Will you be alright?”

I smiled warmly and stated, “Yeah, I think I will be. Now that I know he doesn’t hate me.”

“No,”He chuckled.”he wouldn’t hate you. Actually he wants to meet you some kind of terrible, but he doesn’t want to push it, ya know?”

“Yeah, I understand. I’m just nervous.”I admitted.

“Oh don’t worry, he is to. But I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing, okay sweetheart?”He said.

“Alright.”I sighed.”Thankyou, Matt, for letting me know. You sound like a really good friend of his.”

“I would hope so. I do everything for the shit head.”He stopped quickly, but I think he relaxed when I started to laugh.

“Well, I look forward to meeting him, and you.”I said.”I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright, Hillari. Goodbye.”Before he hung up, I stopped him.

“Matt,”I sat up in bed.”who’s number is this?”

“Mine.”He said.”You can save it, if you want. Let’s you know you can call me if you can’t reach Jimmy.”

“Alright, thank you.”With our last goodbyes, we hung up and left the conversation to a calming end.

It hurt deeply to know that I pushed Jimmy too far, but it was comforting to know that his best friend tried to comfort me. Knowing what I know now, I will call Jimmy as soon as I can and apologize. Maybe after he forgives me, we can work some things out and maybe one day soon, we can meet in person.

I smiled at the thought of meeting him for real. It would be some sort of closure, knowing I could meet my real father. I wonder what he would look like? I lied back in bed and closed my eyes, trying to picture him in my head. It was hard, after hearing his voice and trying to picture him.

He was in a band, for sure, he must have tattoos. Especially since he’s the drummer of a metal band. Did he go all the way and wear make-up? He could possibly be a normal guy - you might never know. I slowly fell into sleep, dreaming of the day I walk into his open arms, if they stay that way.