Anaesthetic Heart

“No, that can’t be him.” I whispered my voice shaking as I thought of my kind of boyfriend, the noble, patient, and charming Zhen waiting for me downstairs willing to court me and woo me as I was wrapped in the arms of another person. No, not another person; Faron. “Help me, Faron.” My voice was barely audible.

Faron’s calloused hands found my chin daftly, “Anything.” His voice was the low hum of an electric wire, burning its way through my body.

“Tell me what to do,” I pleaded, letting my dark eyes find his own, my heart drumming in my chest.

“I can’t. You have to decide, Danielle.” His voice was sad, as he looked down at me, tracing the lines of my face with his eyes. He brushed his fingers over my bangs.

“I don’t know,” I felt my heart sink to my stomach, “This feels right, we feel right. But I made a promise to Zhen, I chose him first.”

“But are you still choosing him now? Does he hold you like this?” Faron asked, pulling me tighter to his chest, “Does he kiss you like this?” He asked, smashing his lips down onto mine in a hot flash of passion, making my heart sink more, “Make you feel like this?” His voice was lower as he asked this time, his fingers tracing up my side, little jolts of pleasant electricity running through me.

“N-No,” I stammered, “He doesn’t. But he makes me smile, and he’s nice to me. God, Faron, he is so nice to me.”

His face fell. “Am I not nice?” He laid heavy emphasis on the word nice, his voice sounded stretched and thin, one foul move and he’d fall right through it like a fragile layer of ice.

“No, Faron. You are, but, I just…” I searched his face, begging that he’d get what I was trying to say, understand what I needed to say. “You’re only nice when you want to be.” Nope, that’s not it. “Crap, Faron. I didn’t mean it like that.” I felt his arms loosen, as he started to let go of me, and the pull in my chest was so strong I nearly cried out for him not to let go.

“No, Danielle, you meant it exactly like that.” His voice was cold, as he pulled away from me and took a step back.

“No!” I cried, stepping towards him, my hand outstretched, “Let me explain, listen to me!”

“Oh, I hear you loud and clear.” His face settled back into the mask from earlier, the cold hard mask that hid what he was truly feeling as the warm and tingly electricity that had enveloped us was pulled from the air.

“No, you don’t!” My voice was frantic now. Stupid, Danielle, stupid, stupid, stupid. Can’t ever do anything right. Dumb girl, dumb, dumb, dumb. Pathetic whiner, complaining like a child because you messed up. My thoughts tore me out, as I stared at his blank expression, his eyes hard and frigid. I took a deep shaking breath, “Let me explain. Please!”

“I think you’ve explained enough for tonight!” His voice was louder than I expected, as he shot past me and to his room, slamming the door as he went. Tears sprung to my eyes, as the doorbell rang again. I took a breath, feeling the oxygen fill my lungs and still not be enough. I took another, and another. Then I pulled myself together.

The hem of my dress had risen up when Faron had cradled me, and I could feel a small smudge of my lipstick on the lower left of my bottom lip. Walking to the edge of the stairs, I called loudly down for someone to answer the door, and without another word I slunk to the bathroom. I tightly closed the door behind me, and turned to the sink, staring at myself in the mirror, ashamed.

I was right about my lipstick, the bright red colour formed a small stain on my lower lip, an obvious sign that someone else’s lips had caressed mine. I used my finger, wiping away the smudge as I felt myself getting cold, more desolate. Great job, Danielle; now you have to tell Zhen the truth and you’ve lost Faron as well, bloody brilliant of you. I felt like every nerve in my body was exposed, and not in the calming and invigorating way that Faron had evoked, but in a tense and fragile way. It was like the exposed flesh of a third degree burn, one touch and I’d be sent screaming into the night. I was hopeless, and I had caused it. I leaned on the counter, my hands holding me up as I stared at myself hard in the mirror. Shame bit into me, as a tear rolled down my face. A single tear, that snaked across my lips and fell off my chin, landing on the counter top beneath me. The salty taste made me sick, and I pressed my weight harder into my palms.

I felt something, something small and angry rip inside me, deep into my chest and into my body. I felt my knees rock, as a sob fell from my lips. And then, I was bawling, deep heavy gulps of air that pushed tears out with every tormented inhale that shook me. I slid to my bottom, pulling my knees to my chest, my short dress rising as I cried heavily into the bathroom air. I was near hysterical, as both guilt and lust robbed me of my caution, letting me feel deep into what was delving far into my heart and biting with razor sharp fangs the little bit of resolve I had packed up inside me. That little bit of peace and conviction that I was a good person was gone.

I was crying loudly, rocking back and forth, my hair falling into my face and sticking wet to my cheeks as I thought of the way Faron had looked at me. He was disgusted, his eyes telling me, telling me that I did not understand him; that I did not care. Well you don’t, you heartless bitch. My thoughts screamed at me.

“No! That’s not true!” I cried, feeling my voice drop empty before me.

Yes, it is. You used him, like a piece of meat. You selfish little bitch, you made out with him! And then called him cruel!

“I-I never… no… that wasn’t...” My voice fell as my eyes blurred out with tears again, feeling sobs rise from my throat.

Yes! It was! And think of poor Zhen! Sweet, sweet, boy. Waiting on you down there? As you do what? Nothing. You cry like a brutalized animal, yearning for something that is not yours to have. Faron is not yours, and after tonight, Zhen will not be yours either. You will be no one’s. No one will love you. No one will care. No one has ever cared. Or ever will! Face it bitch, you’re all alone.

“No!” I screamed, the sudden outburst making my throat ache, “No! No! Please, no!” I kept screaming, over and over again, rocking so fast and hard I nearly fell over. My chest was burning, my eyes covered in a filter of acidic tears and make-up, and my breath shallow as the words sprung from my mouth.

“Danielle? Danielle!” I dimly heard a voice yelling at me, calling through the locked door. “Danielle, open up or I am breaking this fucking door down!” That was Faron, his voice mad. But something else hung to his words.

“No!” I shrieked, flinging my hands up and pressing down on my eyes to try and stop the crazy flow of tears, “No! No!”

“Danielle!” His voice was loud, deafening, as I slammed my hands harder down onto my eyes, feeling the guilt rise like bile in my throat.

“No! No! F-Faron! N-No!” I screamed, tasting copper in my mouth as stars danced across the black behind my eyes, the pain of my palms only maddening me more, as I rocked harder. Under Faron’s shouts, I could hear pounding on the door; a pound that was trying to get me to open it, trying to get me out. Or get in. I shrieked again, “No!”

I could hear something else now. Another voice, this one calmer, more melodic, patient, hypnotic. That was Zhen, his voice joining Faron’s. “Stop it. You’re only making it worse. Something is wrong, and banging on the door like a primate is not going to fix it.” His voice was sharp, sharper than I had ever heard it before, “Danielle? Honey, I know you’re scared. Just open the door. Nothing bad will happen.” His voice was much softer now, soothing.

“You’re a fucking idiot!” Faron yelled at him, his voice full of anger. “She’s hysterical, stupid. Talking to her like a two year old won’t help!”

“Would you shut-up!” Zhen’s voice was loud, tearing through the door and hitting me hard, “You are so belligerently ignorant! It is no wonder people detest you!”

Look at that! Look at what you’ve caused! Patient and kind Zhen is yelling at Faron, not just coddling him, but deliberately yelling. And it’s your entire fault. You’re the stupid bitch who turned them against each other! You caused this! You wrecked them! How do you think Zhen will feel when he finds out the truth, that your lips were kissed by Faron, and you liked it! Fuck, you dirty little slut, you loved it! You wanted more! You wanted an eternity more! Imagine the look on precious Zhen’s face, when you tell him that your little whore self was wrapped all over Faron. He’ll be heart broken, his face will crumple and he will –

I screamed, a raucous scream that stripped me of everything I had been holding onto, deep inside something snapped. Crushing my eyes shut tighter, I slammed my hands down on my ears, “NO! Shut-up-p! Sh-shut the fuck up! For f-fuck sake! Shut-up! Sh-shut-up! Shut-up! No! No! NO!” My voice broke as tears streamed down my face, burning my cheeks as my throat roared with a fiery burn. I heard an ear-splitting slam. “N-no... N-no…” I whimpered.

Hands grabbed my upper arms, “Danielle!” Someone yelled, “Danielle!” I was shaking. No, someone was shaking me.

I opened my eyes slowly, whimpering as tears fell and the vicious monster in my head taunted me. Pathetic slut, little whore. I raised my face and saw Zhen’s worried eyes staring into mine, his hands tight on me. I tried to pull away, my face crumpling in horror.

“Stop it, Danielle!” Zhen’s voice was quieter now, but an edge clung to his words, just as they had to Faron’s earlier. I recognized it now, it was desperation. Zhen pulled me to him, crushing me in an embrace, as I began crying into his chest. “Hush now, it’s alright. You’re okay, everything is okay.”

The bile rose in my throat again, “N-no. You’re wrong-g.” My voice was patchy, muffled in his chest as he gently rocked me like a terrified infant, “N-nothing is oh-okay.” I hiccupped, feeling sick.

“Danielle, whatever it is, it will be alright.” Zhen cupped my cheek, raising my face to meet my eyes with his own the beautiful gold capturing me as he stared at me full of conviction. “Okay?” I nodded.

He smiled, and it nearly made me begin crying all over again. Tears welled in my eyes as I hiccupped again; his face fell. “No, do not cry anymore. You are okay, remember?” I was so remorseful, but he was so comforting and sure that I nodded slowly. He held my hand gently, and placed his other arm around my back, “On three? One, two, three.” He softly pulled me to a standing, and cradled me to his chest like a fragile piece of glass ready to fall and shatter on the ground. I held my hands in shaking fists against his strong chest, letting him hold me as I hiccupped again and sniffed back tears.

“How would you feel about instead of going to a fancy restaurant, we get you cleaned up and we just grab take out and go somewhere else to talk?” His voice was gentle, attempting to make me happy, to make me feel better. And that was when I looked at him, and noticed what he was wearing. Zhen had black dress pants on, and a black tuxedo jacket, beneath that he had a white shirt and a simple black tie. He looked stunning, and no doubt was dressed up for a lovely evening. People would have been looking twice at him for sure.

“Oh-okay. B-but I need h-help,” I hiccupped, feeling shame as he patted my head, then I felt his fingers graze the very top of my thigh, and I started before I realized he was only pulling down the hem of my dress, protecting my modesty in the chivalrous manner that he so well adopted. “Can you g-get Lizbeth, f-for me?” My voice was getting clearer as I prioritized things in my head.

“I will,” A tight voice solemnly said from the doorway. I looked over, and saw Faron standing there. His hands were clenched into fists by his side, his head cast down and his dark red hair blocking my view of his face. He had put on a pair of jeans, but his chest was bare. I noticed something else, a patch of red on his shoulder. Blood. I looked at his shoulder, then at the door seeing an imprint of red identical to the one on his shoulder. He hurt himself, breaking down the door… to get to you. My hand found my mouth, as a small gasp slipped through my lips. Faron raised his face a little, his eyes still shrouded by his bank of scarlet hair. “I’m sorry, Danny. I’m so sorry.” Without another word he turned and left.

“Are you okay to stand on your own now, Danielle?” Zhen asked me, as I stared after Faron, the empty space he had been occupying capturing my eye. “Danielle?”

I turned my face back to Zhen, hiccupping once more. “I-I don’t know.”

“Then we will go together!” He maintained the reassuring arm that was around my back, and led me slowly from the bathroom to my room. He sat me on the bed, and smiled politely before leaving, shutting the door softly behind him.

What have I done?

The door flung open, as Lizbeth ran in and tackled me in a tight vice-like hug. Her arms were warm, and I relaxed into them, feeling tears flood my eyes again. “Don’t you ever do that again!” Her voice was shaking, as she whispered into my hair, “I was so scared, but Faron told me not to do anything. He wouldn’t let me near you. I was so afraid for you… you sounded so broken.”

“I-I’m sorry,” I choked out, tears sliding out like culprits into the night. “I really, re-really messed up.”

“Shh, it’s gonna be okay. I’m here. You’re not alone in this.” Lizbeth hugged me tighter.

“B-but, in the bathroom…” I felt myself start to shake, my eyes closing tight.

“What? What about the bathroom, what happened Danielle?” Lizbeth’s voice was sad, her torso pulling away from mine as she held me at arm’s length. I could feel her eyes on me, trailing me beneath her concerned gaze.

I took a deep breathe, “M-my head, the thoughts…” I tried to swallow back the lump in my throat, as Lizbeth wiped the stray drops from my cheeks. She prodded me gently, “You will be no one’s. No one will love you. No one will care. No one has ever cared. Or ever will - Face it bitch, you’re all alone.” I shuddered, dropping my head and whimpering again, my thoughts starting to go rampant in my head.

“Don’t you ever think that!” Lizbeth’s voice was urgent, as she crushed me back to her chest, rubbing my shoulder, “You are not alone. You will never be alone. People love you too much.” I sighed, letting Lizbeth’s words wash over me like the gentle fall of spring rain, as I raised my own hands and crushed her to my chest in return. I nodded into her shoulder, showing her I believed her, showing her I trusted her. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, something flash by the open doorway. But when I looked up, nothing was there but a single drop of blood on the floor.

“Okay,” Lizbeth said, pulling back and wiping her eyes quickly, “Let’s get you fixed up, ‘Kay?” She smiled.

I let her pull apart my room, grabbing clothes and wipes and whatever else she saw fit. She placed a pile of comfortable looking clothes beside me, and with a baby wipe cleaned off all my smudged make-up until my face was bare and unmarked from the signs of crying. She brushed my hair, and pulled it into a high pony-tail, then stood to get me dressed. I was still shaking, like a leaf caught in the wind as she helped pull me together. I felt calmer, as she helped me take off the dress and tights, and helped me pull on a pair of leggings and a tank top.

“I couldn’t find any of your clean sweaters, is one of my okay?” Lizbeth asked, helping me slid my feet into a pair of knit uggs.

“Of course, it is. I really appreciate this.” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder to get her to face me. Lizbeth smiled, nudging me off with a shrug. “I really fucked up on this one, Lizbeth.” I cast my eyes down.

“Look, it’s not my business. But whatever is eating away at you in here,” She said, her voice serene as she touched my temple with her fingertips, “Is messing with what you feel in here.” She placed her palm on the center of my chest, over my heart.

I nodded slowly, trying to understand her, “My mind is messing with my heart, so I should just trust my heart?” I asked.

“Trust what feels right. You have killer intuition, believe in yourself. It will guide you.” Lizbeth smiled, her face the calmest I had seen all night.

I yanked her towards me tightly, wrapping my arms around her neck and squeezing tightly, “Thank you, Lizbeth, for everything.” I nuzzled my head into her neck, and felt her hand rest on my head.

“You know I love you, no need to thank me.” Her voice was nurturing, as she talked to me gently. Lizbeth had become so much to me, a sister, a best friend, a confidant. I really needed her.

I smiled, pulling back. “So where is everyone? I’m surprised Dad hasn’t freaked out yet.”

“He’s not home, he had a special Counsel meeting to go to tonight, and both your parents had to attend. Your grandmother and stepfather were requested, as well.” She kept her face down.

“Why aren’t you there? As a representative for your family and the Elementals, I mean.” I was shocked, Lizbeth was the head of her family in the leave of her parents.

“Counsel Meetings are no place for children,” She said, meeting my eyes as I saw anger flash across her own. My jaw hit the floor.

“You have more than proved to me you are no child. That’s nonsense.” I gripped her shoulder, “You deserve to be there.”

“Thank you, Danny.” Her eyes softened, “Now, you have a few boys waiting on you.”