Don't Deny Me

That night I couldn't really sleep.

I don't know how long I was staring at the top of my bunk but it felt like hours. And for once, it wasn't because I was depressed. I dare might even say I was happy. Giddy even. Most people would be enthused about this kind of emotion but I was scared of it, at least deep down I was.

Who was I turning into where I was giddy? Who even said that word out loud? Whatever the type of person, I was definitely not in that category.

Besides it was just a kiss, how many of those had I been through where this one would effect me?

There was no excuse for how it was making me feel though.

Sighing, I realized I needed a cigarette...bad. I didn't like how I had been sighing so much lately. It wasn't good, it meant I was feeling, it meant I was starting to care about things again. I must be annoying everyone with this apathetic front I wanted to keep portraying.

Hell, I was more than starting to annoy myself.

It felt necessary to me since...

I turned to my side facing my open curtain. It was hard to even think about her. Michelle had hurt me so badly, enough to change me completely. I didn't use to want to turn off my humanity, my emotions. The thing was, I wasn't even angry with her, I knew she was being totally honest about herself. She was a girl who wanted to play the game.

There was nothing really wrong with that, but I was naïve then, I thought I would be the one to change her. I wanted her to see that there was such a thing as a man who could make her as happy as a whole room full of guys.

Looking back on it now, I had been so stupid. Of course I wasn't going to change her, she was happy doing what she did and I just should have known better.

That final memory of our falling out fought to be remembered. It took all my will power not to go there. Tonight was happy, euphoric even.

Smiling, I shook my head slightly, I guess I would admit that it felt so amazing to kiss tonight.

Because this time it wasn't for sleaze. This time Jimmy was right. I was catching feelings.

************************

In the morning, I was groggy as hell but still excited to start the day. I was convinced it was going to be great. We had a show tonight and I was sure that it would be one of the better ones.

When the guys caught sight of me they all nudged each other and smiled knowingly.

"What's with the blush, Gates?" Matt teased, fishing through his bag for an outfit to lounge in before we were at the venue.

I cleared my throat and waved him off, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The guys laughed loudly, enough where I was paranoid that Lexie would wake up and hear our conversation.

"She's knocked out don't worry." Jimmy reassured me as he came down the hall to pat me on the back and wink.

"Hey what's for breakfast, I'm starving!" I changed the subject to something I knew the guys couldn't resist.

I was able to admit that I was into Lexie to myself, and barely even then. Admitting that to my band mates, that was going to take some time.

After doing my morning rituals and changing out of the clothes I slept in, I joined the conversation that was going on in the front of the bus.

By that time, Lexie was up and sitting next to Jimmy, snuggling up to him really.

"You took my spot." I smiled at her but teasingly sat with a pout next to Zacky.

He was a good sport and put a comforting arm around me. Everyone laughed to some degree and I knew they were all surprised I would even make a joke like that.

"Anyway, as I was saying, " Matt cleared the chuckle from his throat and tried to remember whatever he had been saying before I came in.

"I got a call from Lexie's brother and he and his band announced that they were considering not continuing this tour with us."

We were all shocked. They were going to bail? We were doing them a favor, taking them under our wing and giving them exposure and they wanted to ditch us not even half way through?

"That's horseshit! Who are we going to get to replace them?" I was pissed to say the least.

Lexie though, she looked like someone told her there was no Santa Claus. She clung onto Jimmy tighter and watched as Matt prepared to answer me, apparently there was more news.

"He said that their manager had negotiated them out of the tour to take advantage of their exposure. Somehow, Larry is going to see if some of our friends that we've toured with before will help us out and join us." Matt pursed his lips. I knew he was furious at this change in plans.

"What shits!" Johnny voiced as Zach agreed and so did the rest of us for that matter.

"Wait guys it should be ok, if we get someone with a bigger name than their band then we can have bigger crowds. Which would be good all around." Zach brought up money and that was something that couldn't be ignored.

"Bree is on the bus with my brother. He can't go with them!" Lexie kind of shouted all at once. We all turned to look at her to which she turned a bright pink.

"Could you guys please let him stay on this bus? You guys took me in after all."

We all glanced at each other. That was different, Lexie was being kicked off the other bus. However Matt was the mouth piece for all of us.

Taking a moment to study our faces, Matt ultimately came up with a decision. It wasn't a nail biter to us but we could all see that Lexie was unsure of how to read Matt's expression.

"That was different.... but we would love to bring him along. There isn't anymore bunks so he'll have to stay on the couch ok?"

Lexie lunged herself into Matt with such force I was surprised they didn't fall to the floor.

Jimmy laughed heartily and began to clap to which we all cheered.

This was most definitely one of the most eventful tours off stage, and I was glad that I was getting out of my funk to really appreciate what was going on.

*****************************

There was about one hour until we were scheduled to be on stage. The kids out on the floor were screaming and the music was loud.

"You lucky bastard.." I smiled to myself as I realized this was my job. Of course I already knew that but sometimes it just hit me. This was the coolest gig anyone could have and I got to share it with my best friends.

Fate was incredibly kind to me.

A strong hand clasped onto my shoulder, turning I saw Jimmy's huge smile.

"Hey man! Kids sound great tonight, eh?" He yelled to be heard over the vocals of Lexie's brother.

"They do, dude. What's with the beard? You look like you could pass for Jesus!" I played with the fuzz of his face that he had never really sported before.

My best friend laughed and kind of brushed off the fact that I was cracking a joke on him.

"Just something different." Jimmy shrugged but his eyes suddenly went to the stage.

Danny's band, Mortally Wounded, had just finished their set and the first members began to head backstage towards us.

Lucca caught sight of us as he handed his bass to his roadie and tried hard to force himself to look tough.

"Hey boys, sorry about the short notice news of us leaving." he dared to stride over to us.

"It's ok, some guys can't handle tour life, they're too soft." I quipped, crossing my arms over my chest and standing straight.

Lucca's eyes narrowed, "Or maybe we thought we're better than you and decided to start our own tour."

I figured as much, "Once you guys are gone, we'll be able to bring in musicians on our level."

I wanted to say more but Jimmy nudged me to back off. Backing down wasn't something I did but I saw in his eyes that I didn't need to say anymore.

I knew what he was trying to tell me, there was no point making ourselves and our band look like asses because we were pissed off at these asses.

Lucca smirked and began to leave but turned around for a final word, "Good luck with Lexie. You realize how stupid you'll look right? Her being so much younger and all? Hope you'll be happy." he was sarcastic but I saw the way his eyes flashed, I knew he had a thing for her. It was clear as day.

I smiled and waved at him, knowing I had already kind of won. This girl that had become such a part of our lives had picked me, it was a terrible decision on her part, but she did choose me.

And if she was willing to trust me with something like her heart, then I would be willing to look stupid for having feelings for her.