Don't Deny Me

Working today, even in the heat, was the only thing I knew would keep my mind occupied. After that dream… oh man that dream. Thinking about it now gave me a shiver and gooseflesh that was unnatural in such unforgiving heat.

If I kept dwelling on my sensory memories like I was, I wasn't going to be getting much work done. It was bad enough that each time I thought about that phantom recollection, my stomach took a wicked nose dive. The feeling, however, was addictive.

"Umm, excuse me?" the voice was a bit whiny as it tried hard to mask the annoyance that dripped like tar from the users voice.

Snapping out of my daydream, I smiled and apologized. It was a young teen, slight acne that spotted her face gave her away. It wasn't until I saw her smile sheepishly did I see she was also sporting braces.

"What was it that you were looking to buy?" I made sure to project my voice over the loud atmosphere.

The girl swallowed and pointed to the classic Marilyn shirt that we had on display.

"Would you happen to have that in a small?" she squeaked.

Knowing we did, I pulled out the package of a shirt from the box it came in and presented it to her. The way her face lit up like I just gave her a piece of Christmas, gave me a simpler kind of goosebumps.

"Wow!" she giggled while she fished in her pocket for the money to pay for her gift to herself.

As I began laughing a little with her, she remembered that she wasn't alone, she blushed and apologized for her excitement to which I shook my head violently.

"Are you kidding? That's the best reaction I've seen all day." I encouraged her as I took the money she offered me and gave her a few dollars for her change.

Before she had the chance to thank me, I leaned in so I could give her a small kindness.

"How would you feel if I told Zacky how happy he just made you?"

The teen girl turned red as her face fell and her tanned hand clapped over her mouth. Tears of what I hoped was happiness filled her eyes as she whimpered something unintelligible.

"Is that positive?" I heard the uncertainty in my voice as I had never encountered a fan girl to this magnitude before.

I barely had the time to nod before she let out a small but shrill scream, "Yes! Oh My God, you would be the best ever, like, I can't even begin to thank you if you did that! My name is Lily, please tell him that Lily is his biggest fan and I love him!" she said all this on one breath.

When she was done she hopped up and down, earning the confused looks of other fans.

A smile on my face, I promised to say what she asked.

As she skipped away, I felt a strong sense of purpose. This tour was in its first stages and I often felt like I didn't belong. Between my brother kicking me out and that strange relationship that was forming with Brian. This girl made me realize that what I was doing was a kindness that wasn't going unnoticed.

This small boost was just what I needed to get me out of a funk.

The rest of the day, I sold merchandise like nobody's business with a smile on my face.

**************

Sunlight was vanishing quickly as Avenged Sevenfold began to set up for their performance.

An end of summer breeze played in my hair as I watched Bree, December and Valentina play-argue about who's turn it was to add up the money.

I had that feeling again, that this was almost destiny.

"We should make Lexie do it!" Valentina called over to me with a devious smile.

Rolling my eyes and smiling, I waved her off. "You know that I'm terrible at math. Have me do it if you for sure don't care."

They laughed at me and continued to lightly bicker.

I focused on my duty of packing things away. Out of the corner of my eye, Valentina slowly came up to see what I was doing.

"So… haven't talked to you in awhile." she sounded almost coy.

Naturally, I felt like I had to keep a small shield up when I was around Val. I think it was the competitive shimmer in her eyes that did it but with her I felt like it was never simple friendship.

"Yeah, I guess not." I kept myself busy with my tasks, not letting her get into my head the way she wished she was.

Val narrowed her eyes in challenge, even as naive as I was, I could see that.

"I hear you've been getting along with Syn." the possessive hold she felt she had over him was impossible to ignore, no matter how much I wanted to.

Before she could go on and rant, I interrupted her, "His name is Brian, not Syn."

Valentina was visibly taken back but that only added fuel to her sudden and uncalled for hate fire.

"Look, back off him and we won't have a problem." she sneered then went back to our friends and laughed at whatever joke December had told to Bree.

The amount of contempt she had for me was mind boggling. How can someone so pretty be so ugly on the inside?

Sighing, I finished up and headed straight for the back of the stage.

Whatever.

I wasn't going to play tattle tail but I was going to do something about her ridiculous request.

************

As roadies hustled to set up the stage on time, I tried hard to stay out of their paths. Smiling, I thought of worker bees buzzing around to cater to their queen.

"What are you doing back here?" Dan "The Body" tapped my shoulder impatiently.

"I'm looking for the guys?" I looked around and over him as he wasn't a particularly tall man.

"No you're not, c'mon get out." he gripped my arm with strong force and tried to push me out.

Shocked, I fought him off, "What? I have a pass! I'm not a random fan!" I tried to explain but he wasn't having it. He proceeded to kick me out to the lot.

When his hold on me was gone, I retrieved my pass and shoved him hard.

"It's right here asshole! I'm part of merch!" I had never been so vocal about my anger before and while I was totally justified, it also just plain felt good to yell.

Dan turned back around, I assumed to kick my ass out for good but upon glancing at the pass he rubbed his neck ruefully.

"Sorry about that. You just look really young and all." he grumbled, ultimately heading back into the building.

Sighing, I adjusted my clothing more, tugging my jeans up and smoothing out my shirt. I swear, I never knew that being young was such a crime. I mean Jesus, really?!

"Hey, do me a favor and tell Zacky that a girl named Lily loves him and she's his biggest fan, ok? I promised her I'd tell him. " I grumbled toward the touchy bodyguard, casting my eyes away from the bustling workers and towards the dark pavement.

I half expected to see Brian on my way back to the buses and to be honest, I was disappointed I didn't see him.

I had come back here to use him, to prove to myself that… it's sad I'm not even sure what I felt I had to prove. Maybe, Valentina had succeeded in her plan. Maybe, I was threatened by her.

As I shuffled back, I wondered. I often wondered about a lot of things, trivial things, and right now I thought of another phenomenon. What changed in my brother? Why was he being so strange?

And Valentina? It was clear as day that she had a crush on Brian but she'd really be so high school as to bully me to back off?

Yikes.

I'd hate to be the one who had to deal with that nightmare everyday.

Finally reaching the steps of the large automobile, the sounds of silence pounded against my eardrums. I was painfully reminded that other people here had made friends.

A lonely guitar case leaned against the couch where Brian and I had talked late the other night.

I took the beautiful instrument out of its case gingerly, scared to make noise and be more of a nuisance then I already felt like.

When it was just she and I, I glanced at the guitar in my hands to feel like I was missing something.

A pick.

Lucky for me, someone left one hooked into the stings on the upper part of the neck.

Taking the small piece of plastic in my hand and positioning it correctly between my fingers was practically second nature. My brother, in better times, had taught me how to play the guitar when I was young and would hardly ever leave him alone.

I strummed her strings lightly; I was a new lover that wanted to make the right moves and only please.

Getting use to the size of her neck, I played a scale. My fingers slowly remembered their place of work.

I started to hum something and then eventually that hum became more solid. So much so that now, I was softly cooing. When I began to pick out the melody I wanted, my cooing became strong.

All the frustrations I felt about my brother and my own insecurities began to melt into nothing.

While my joys, like becoming apart of a group of musicians and that strange relationship with Brian, allowed me the freedom to sing.

I sang like I did in the shower at home. Sublime's Badfish was the first thing I thought of and I played and sang like that song was an old friend. I vowed to myself then and there that I wouldn't forget this feeling. I wouldn't forget that I was strong and capable of love, friendship and good fortune.

"Lord knows I'm weak, Won't somebody get me off of this reef…" My voice was light, the funny thing was, I almost forgot what it was like to sing like this.

The solo came up and right as I began to jam out and get into it, a sharp whistle rang out and scared the shit out of me.

"Hey!" Bree clapped loud and hard, mimicking a rabid fan.

Instead of blushing or doing something equally lame, I stood tall, though laughing, and took a bow for my adoring fan.

"Thank you, thank you, I'm currently on tour." I spoke as if I was talking to thousands of screaming people.

Bree reached for a high five to which I happily completed. "Fuck, I feel surprisingly good."

My best friend laughed with wide eyes, "You finally got laid?!"

The sounds of cackling that I made were hideously loud. Yeah right.

"No! I just feel really happy right now. Let's do something!" I grabbed his soft hands , wholeheartedly ready to cause some trouble at the very least.

Bree studied my face teasingly before he spoke, "I do know of something fun going on tonight.."

Anytime Bree does anything it's bound to be a blast, the appeal of his mention of a party, while vague was something I, and my new confidence, could not miss.

*******************

"Aye, hold still!" Bree tugged at me hard, attempting to pull my zipper up but his forceful tugs were throwing me around.

"I'm trying!" I hissed back while sucking myself in so I could fit into an absurdly marked size dress, as I held onto my boobs for dear life.

"Did you get it?" I asked on some of the air I had been holding in.

There was still some struggling until finally I felt the dress hold on its own.

"Shit, thats such a pain." I whined as Bree rolled his eyes and admired his work.

Looking into the bathroom mirror, I did the same. Bree had shoved my body into a black dress that he had hidden in his bag for me. What a good friend, right?

The dress hugged every part of me, anchoring my breasts to my chest, the fabric was kind to my curves as it raced down toward my upper thighs. Bree had painted party makeup onto my face which included a smoky, sexy and very mature eye with bright red lip stain to compliment and complete my look.

He knew better than anyone that while I had a strange obsession with looking great at all times, I did want to keep it as natural as possible.

"Ok, so it's going to be a bunch of the bands from the festival, some roadies," Bree added, " and of course us."

My eyes narrowed, "And Valentina?"

Bree raised a penciled in eyebrow, "Her too, are you guys fighting and you didn't tell me?"

I glanced at myself in the mirror, wanting to be dramatic more than anything.

"Oh, trust me, this bitch hasn't even begun to see a fight."