Don't Deny Me

I woke up sickly early. Early enough where the sun hadn't risen yet. There was something about the dream I had woken from that made it hard to go back to sleep. It wasn't very often I had a dream, to be honest it wasn't very often that I slept, and while I couldn't exactly remember what I had dreamt of, something told me it was important.

Blankets that smelled richly of my cologne and beer had wrapped themselves around my waist, leaving only my bare upper body exposed. I just laid there a moment. At first trying to remember the dream I had. I could recall nothing of what had happened in my subconscious. I didn't think it was smart to linger on dreams so early in the morning. So instead of thinking, I admired. Admired the way my body was in amazing physical condition, the way I took each breath evenly and calmly.

A ghost of a memory of Michelle made its way into my mind. The way her manicured nails would lightly scratch my chest in the morning after a night of rigorous sex. My head and something horrid like my heart hurt at the memory.

Angrily, I practically ripped off the blankets to feel around the carpeted floor, my toes brushed a boot but it was too late, I stepped on the jagged sole with my full weight. "Son of a bitch!" I hissed between my teeth, hopping from the shoe down the aisle to where the driver was, well, driving. The sun was still sleeping, like I should be. The driver thankfully was awake and alert. It made me chuckle when I thought of the time Johnny drove and fell asleep at the wheel. Stupid fuck.

I joined the driver and uttered a sleepy greeting. He nodded back. "What time is it?" I stifled a yawn. The driver laughed and sipped his coffee, "About 4:30." I groaned to which he smiled and looked me over.

"Tough night?"

I thought about it. Drank more than a fish like usual, talked to some buddies, flirted with some girls, maybe hooked up a little I couldn't remember to be honest. What I couldn't forget was how proud I was of Jimmy when he punched that asshole, Lucca I think his name was. The guy had been running his mouth and luckily Jim put him in his place before I could.

"No, more like the usual night for me." I stood from my slouched position against some kind of wood paneling, to leave.

"Anyway, I'm gonna try to get some more sleep or something." I walked like a drunk back down the aisle. As I was stumbling down the way, I noticed Jimmy was sleeping on the couch, legs curled up and his hair all over his face. How I didn't notice him before was beyond me.

"If you're out here… then who is in your bed, Jim?" I mumbled, walking over to the bunk with tightly pulled curtains. I made sure to move the fabric as softly as I could, last thing I needed was to be caught spying. At first I couldn't tell who it was, there was hair everywhere. I gently pushed choice pieces away to see it was Lexi herself. She almost looked cute with her face so relaxed and wrapped up in the blankets like she was. Well more like she was cute not she almost was. I sighed and closed the curtains.

"Too fucking early for emotions."

--
The sun had risen and was proudly shining in our bus when Lexi decided to join us. Hair was tousled and messy, I immediately thought of how she would look when we had sex. I frowned when I realized it was more of a Christmas morning look, not sleazy at all. She caught me looking at her but cast her eyes away from me to smile at Jimmy.

"Why am I not with my brother?" she rubbed at her eyes and stifled a yawn. I actually wondered this too. Both Lexi and I turned to look at Jimmy. He smiled, eyes crinkling, and shrugged off the question. "We can talk about it later. We're on the highway and there are loads of people, we can flash cars!" Jimmy enveloped both of us in his long arms.

I felt myself stiffen as I came face to face with Lexi.

"Jimmy, c'mon, we used to do that when we were kids. I don't think that's smart to do." I coughed and pulled away.

It was quiet as Lexi leaned into my friend with comfort and ease. Jimmy himself seemed shocked at me. "Ok, if you're out, I'm sure Zack, Johnny and Matt would love to join us." Jimmy stuck his tongue out and rubbed Lexi's arm in a comforting way that best friends could provide. My eyebrows furrowed. How could he be so close with her already? She was just some girl.

Before I knew it, my best friends and this girl were laughing and having the time of their lives flashing their asses and watching Zack and Johnny flashing their tits. I wondered why I was just sitting here pouting. "Goddammit." I hissed, getting off the couch and my high horse, to join my friends and Lexi.

-----

The venue was foreign to me as I made my way to the dressing room to warm up and get ready. I thought I was alone but I could hear the faint sound of singing. Unless Matt had suddenly lost his balls, this couldn't be him. The voice was distinctly female and very pure. It was a soft kind of humming at first but quickly turned into confident belting.

The acoustics were amazing, I knew she was in the bathroom. My tattooed fingers were about to knock on the door, but the singer had suddenly changed songs. It was an Amy Lee song that I only knew from some distant memory. The singer in the bathroom was not able to meet Amy's beautiful highs but adjusted to her own vocal range showing talent and control.

I found myself leaning closer to the door, straining to recognize the voice.

The melody was getting louder, signaling the soon opening of the door. I cursed under my breath and tried to back up but the door was already opening.

Lexi nearly screamed when she encountered me. I'm sure she didn't expect me but her being in a towel didn't help her situation one bit.

"What the hell!?" She scrambled to make sure the white towel was wrapped tightly around herself. The way her hair clung to her wet body was of course erotic and I couldn't help but feel myself getting aroused. I cursed my body. This girl was different, I actually wanted to get to know her. However I was terrible at getting to know females that didn't involve me putting my dick in them.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I heard singing and I- I" I was flustered. Fuck. I backed up, feeling the walls for a doorway so I can get the fuck out of this situation.

"Just leave!" Lexi's cheeks were red in embarrassment, I didn't blame her, I actually think I was blushing too. I haven't blushed since my dad caught me reading his Playboy when I was 13.

"Yep." I nodded and got the hell out of the dressing room. I somehow found my way to the stage. Matt was there talking to the Berry's, no doubt about what we would do after the show.

I came to their little circle and saw the total shock on Matt's face.

"Dude, are you pink?" he fought a smile as he looked me up and down.

I flipped him off and rubbed at my face. "I'd rather not talk about it." I sighed. I needed to get myself back. For a moment, I was vulnerable. Something I couldn't afford to be. "I'm gonna warm up and talk to the roadies about trying to make my sound clearer." I managed to say as coldly as I could. I knew I was better off when Synyster was in control.

Matt's eyes which were amused upon my arrival had gone hard. He didn't like when I went numb like I did but I wasn't exactly looking for his approval. He nodded and folded his arms over his chest.

"Look, " he caught my arm as I turned, "I know you think being an emotional iceberg is best for your interests but I promised Lexi's brother that she would be in good care with us. Don't make me look like an asshole." his voice was hard with command.

Synyster in me smirked, "So he dumped his precious sister on saintly M. Shadows? How nice."

Matt stepped close and stared directly into me. "Yes. That shit Lucca pulled with Jimmy and Lex, has potential to ruin our entire tour. You know I can't have a cancelled tour, the fans can't have it and the label sure as hell can't have it. So the girl is staying with us until that asshole Lucca calms down. If you fuck around with Lexi and ruin this, I will not hesitate to kick your ass." He hissed, no longer threatening but promising.

I smiled, knowing it'd piss him off. "Whatever you say, mighty leader."

Turning my back on him and heading for my guitar, I caught Jimmy staring at me. He came up to me as I raised the guitar strap over my head.

"You know this morning, I had Brian back. I saw that stunt you pulled with Matt. I wish Brian wouldn't be so quick to hide…..Gates." Jimmy spoke with wisdom. I didn't want to listen. I blankly played random chords until he left.

For once, my best friend didn't understand.